When a Relative Says " No Way" to Dating the Old Dude

Not everyone in the family will be supportive of a young woman dating an older fellow.  When this happens, it makes it difficult to focus on the relationship.  Male relatives can be overprotective and even threatening when it comes to their loved one going out with the "old dude" they may even wish death upon him for coming into their young relative's life.

Any man who sincerely wants to be in a relationship with someone will fight to be with his partner, but he won't be a fool to stay when all hell is breaking lose because of his mere existence.  One would be wise to determine what type of fight will he be fighting and how long in order to stay with his young date.  He will also need to observe his young partner's mannerisms whe dealing with family. She may still be too young mentally to handle being in a relationship with a mature man and too fearful to stand up to family.

Threats of violence from the woman's family members and friends just isn't worth it although some men enjoy a challenge.  However, one would be better off waiting until the young woman is independent and away from troubled relatives.  If she is in love and genuinely cares for her older man, she must understand that he is not going to keep putting his life at risk to be with her--no matter how beautiful she might be.  Chances are a relative or friend may have warned him to go away or else.

"The old dude" is typically hated by one or a few relatives simply because he may have done some things to the young woman that she shared with relatives who were supposed to keep quiet about, but didn't.  They don't like "the old dude" for good reason even if all parties don't know what about. 

Sometimes the older man did nothing during the dating process to hurt the young lady, but just the sight of an aging man going out with the young, attractive person just might be too much to bear for some.  Thoughts might be, "What does he want with my daughter/niece/sister/cousin?  Who does he think he is showing up at my doorstep...I know his type!?"  That type might be like the one questioning the relationship, a liar, cheat, pimp, player type.  It takes one, to know one.

The couple will want to consider the family's objections; however, don't permit loved ones to dominate one's choice in a partner.  Maybe there are some things that they see in one or both individuals that are a sincere cause for concern. 

Nicholl McGuire also maintains and contributes to the blog:  Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. and Relationship Advice.

7 Signs an Age-Gap Relationship is Over

You might have noticed a partner isn't acting like he or she is interested in staying in a relationship with you.  However, you don't want to assume the worse unless you see the following signs.

1.  He/she often complains about the other, to not only family and friends, but strangers too.

Jokes, insults and other statements that make one angry come up all-too-often.  One's partner feels like he or she is not liked much less loved.  When feelings of upset are mentioned, the offending one acts uncaring and doesn't acknowledge his or her partner's concerns.

2.  He/she has feelings of regret having met the other.

"I knew she was too young...I should have listened to my family--he's too old."  The thoughts plague one's mind to the point where there are feelings of discontent and regret left behind.

3.  There is a disconnect when conversing about important matters.

From topics about one's plans to issues about a job, when the couple talks to one another there is no attempt at making one another feel comfortable and secure in the relationship.  Statements like: "I don't get you...You don't understand...why do I bother talking to you..." increasingly come up during discussions.

4.  Plans of a future together are discontinued or no longer discussed.

When someone mentions marriage, children, buying a house, moving in together, etc., the couple isn't the least bit interested.  They have avoided all communication about being together long-term, if anything, they are planning to break up in the near future. 

5.  Frequent disputes including threats or violent attacks.

Unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment have taken root.  No matter how hard they try, nothing helps.  They think about paying one another back for the last incident that left one or both with hurt feelings.

6.  Thoughts of cheating increase or has already been done repeatedly.

Everyone else looks better than one's mate.  So thoughts of a new relationship with someone else are heavy on the mind if he or she hasn't already begun the process.

7.  Lies and cover-ups about one's feelings gradually stop occurring.

The liar or cheat starts getting sloppy with their cover-ups and false story-telling.  They are showing no signs of wanting to stay in a relationship.

Once it is confirmed in your mind, body and spirit that your girlfriend or guyfriend isn't interested in you anymore, move on with your life.  Save yourself the drama of make-up to break up.  When a man or woman is no longer interested in being with one's current partner, things only get worse, they don't get any better no matter how many promises are made.

Nicholl McGuire 

Your In Love, He's In Love, So What Seems to be the Problem?

You might have been one of the blessed ones who found someone who honestly cares about you. Age has no bearing on your relationship. He is comfortable in his skin and so are you. Yet, something bothers you about the relationship, but you can't seem to put your finger on it. Know that your odd feelings are natural and will not go away until you are completely fulfilled in the relationship.

Material wealth, conversation, and sex sometimes isn't enough to feel at peace in a realtionship with anyone, much less an older man or younger woman. The human spirit is always in need of something more, especially if you have no spiritual foundation.

Sometimes couples in love (or in lust) must allow for some distance from one another to sort out their emotions. We must be sure that the relationship we so desire is in fact meant to be. It doesn't matter how financially secure your older partner may be or how much nicer he is than your past lovers, you have to know that you know that you want to be with your partner forever! This same concept applies to the mature man dating a younger woman. She looks good, feels good, and acts mature for her age, but she has to complete you! Like you, she has feelings and with each passing year, she is steadily growing into an older woman who has goals, the last thing she needs is a broken heart so young.

We all must be mindful of people's feelings as well as our own in any relationship. When we are not, someone most likely will get hurt. Too many "settled" people are also selfish people. They expect others to revolve around their worlds and not the other way around. Too many young people are too carefree, to the point, that they don't see beyond the material. When no one wants to share their lifestyle or has a myopic view on how to relate to one another, there will be an unsettled feeling somewhere deep within one's heart. And because of that feeling, one will not marry, will not trust, will not give up his or her space, and will question the future. Until you know that you know, take one day at a time before committing.

Nicholl McGuire

Dating Older, Dating Younger: What Do You Sincerely Want in a Relationship?

Whether she is looking for the wealthy professional long-term or he is seeking an attractive, young woman to be intimate with for the short term, the two must communicate their intentions or otherwise someone or both will have a rocky road to climb that just might leave the pair very weary and bitter with one another in the end.

People get involved in relationships for any number of reasons whether the church, parents, or government agrees or not.  Some couples connect for reasons that are obvious and have been publicly shared without shame while others not so much.  What is in darkness does come out into the light eventually, so one must be honest about his or her intent when dating a young woman or older man.

Take a moment to think about why a mature man seeks after a young lady in search of a Sugar Daddy or why a young, educated woman appears to act very interested in a rich, unattractive gentleman?  In these examples, these people have specific needs and believe their encounters with one another will meet them.  No matter the relationship, background, creed, religion, ethnicity, someone has learned of some benefit when one dates the other that he or she may or may not know about.  The rumor, stereotype, or "word on the street" might be true about one's love interest, but maybe not. 

It takes time to get to know people, but unfortunately far too many people are connecting on the Internet believing that they have found a special someone that will complete them only to be disappointed in the end.  Quality relationships aren't built through good communication alone!  You can express how you feel until you are blue in the face through email, text, and in-person discussion, but if a person isn't much interested in you, other than what you can do for him or her, you just won't be able to make them stay in a serious relationship that they may have never wanted in the first place.

To date one older can be a great experience with the right attitude and a mindset that can look beyond the aging process.  It is inevitable, people will get older.  When one chooses to date younger, he or she must recognize that there is still much a youthful partner doesn't know about life; therefore, much patience is required.  Personality differences will get in the way if one doesn't recognize that relationships are built on working together and not apart.  Sometimes one will have to set aside his or her preferences/interests/way of life for another.  One who is more concerned about "playing" is not interested in compromise.

Be sure you know what type of relationship you want with your younger or older mate.  There are open relationships, secretive ones, wild ones, committed ones, and more.  Be honest about who you are such as:  what you want, the past, present, and future if you want a relationship built on a solid foundation, but if you aren't seeking anything serious--save your best for the one who you really want in the future.  Establish boundaries when dating and avoid the temptation to do the kind of things that would bring shame on you and your family.  Most of all, be certain that dating young or older is what you sincerely want.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and When Mothers Cry.

Advice for Young Mothers Interested in Dating Older Men

Some daters believe that because they are easygoing about most things, they are compatible with many different types of people no matter the age or background.  They falsely assume that because they maybe in a similar situation as their date, such as:  being a parent, divorced, or have other responsibilities, that those they connect with can relate and most likely will handle their circumstances in the same way that they do.  However, despite all the similar interests and life comparisons, people are people and they will do things that will leave others scratching their heads, such is the case when a single older man chooses to date someone half his age or younger who is a parent of small children.  Maybe he dates her because he was in a similar situation 20 years ago or he remembers the pain of a breakup and how it impacted his family, so now he wants to be helpful.  Whatever the reason that draws him to the young mother, he may be very interested in having a relationship with her.

You have to wonder though, why someone would bother taking on some, if not all, of someone else's burden despite his or her age.  Of course, there is such a thing as love, but there is also such a thing as desperation.  Some people can't stand to be lonely!  They will sacrifice their carefree lifestyle and peace just to be close to someone.  But their are others who have a more hidden reason for dating someone that may seem trivial to many.  There may be a certain interest or look they desire so much in someone else that they will tolerate just about anything to be with him or her.  This strong desire is also known as obsession. 

Maybe the younger woman has gorgeous long, blond hair that this older man absolutely loves or beautiful hazelnut eyes that seem to draw him in everytime he looks at her.  Whatever that "thing" is that she possesses, the older man doesn't mind putting up with all the baggage that comes with her just so that he can enjoy the benefit of being with his ideal mate.  Two small children, an ex, an overbearing mother, money issues, and a home filled with past memories may be a part of this young woman's world, but the desperate older man doesn't seem to care just so long as she is fulfilling some aspect of his fantasy.  "I don't care about all that other stuff!  I love her!  She has beautiful eyes, nice long hair, and coca skin!  I always wanted to be with her type!" 

Some of us have gone to great lengths over the years to date our ideal look.  We have given those exs a pass on just about anything that they did just so that we can satisfy lustful desires.  We envisioned our soul mate to look and act a certain way.  So when we got what we thought we wanted, we didn't worry over whether our exs were compatible with our core beliefs, just so long as they fulfilled our weak desires.  However, once their issues with things like:  family, money, friends, etc. started disturbing our fantasy world, then we either fell out of love or fell away from the relationship.

Let's face it, most older men who are doing well in life and have already raised their own children,  really don't want to become dads to babies all over again.  It was a stressful period in their lives.  Now they want to be free to do what they want.  Me comes first in those golden years!  It should be obvious to the young mother, that the older man and the ex didn't make it when their children were young, what's the likelihood that he will make it in a new relationship where mom is younger and her children aren't his?  What to do, what to do?

Some men may take advantage of the situation and keep the young woman around for occasional sex and a partner to go here and there with, but if the young woman is often without a babysitter, most likely she will be unable to go to many places.  Instead, most of the couple's time together will be spent at her home or his.  There must be an understanding between them early on as to what each want of the relationship.  Without this knowledge, head games may be played resulting in unnecessary relationship drama.

A man who feels like he may have to compete with the children or ex may not stick around.  He may be more apt to find a suitable partner for his needs.  Being a single parent is hard, being a young single parent is even harder!  There are still so many challenges in life that a young mother must face like learning more about herself and what she wants out of life, health changes, career changes, parenting issues, and maybe an increase desire to get married and have more children.  Some caring older men don't want to be an additional burden to someone who already has enough burdens in her young life.  Others would try to help.  But the majority of older men, would stay away.  They have been there done that and really don't want to have to do that all over again!

Every person is different; therefore there are some exceptions to the rule.  There will be those older men who will date younger women with children just to do something different or as explained earlier, there is something about her that fulfills a fantasy.  However, don't expect a long-term commitment unless the man truly desires a wife.  Unfortunately, most older men have already been married before and are not interested in doing it again especially with someone very young.

Nicholl McGuire 

The Unavailable Man

“What goes around comes around,” so the old saying goes. During my twenties, single and childless days in the 90s, I was approached by many family men. They thought they had it going on with their young wardrobe and lingo. They wanted to show me, who at the time was a hip woman back in the day, what they knew about my generation. I wasn’t necessarily turned on by the gray hair, the age mark here and there, and what I would call the “old man” odor, but I was turned on by their success. I wanted to learn a thing or two from these men, but I definitely didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up anyone’s happy home. These married men were slick back then and so I hear, the game hasn’t changed much. Taking off their rings, silencing their pagers and offering to take me to places far away from the city these were just a few things I experienced with older married men, I was still young so I had yet to learn the game.

When I did catch on, I used the knowledge I had learned and put one married man to the test. This slickster used his sister to call me, because he was busy with his wife. I didn’t know he was married until that phone call. I told her about herself and him and warned her to tell him never to call me again. Had I pursued a relationship with this attractive guy who had a great salary to go along with him, I would have been considered a home-wrecker. One battle was won, but there were more tests that I would face as I got older. I admit I had my share of wins, but I also had some situations that were too close for comfort and as I said earlier, “What goes around comes around.” Later, I would be cheated on by someone I once loved.

Flirting is harmful. Talking to a married man on the phone periodically about things non-related to business is not okay. Sitting down in a restaurant after work hours discussing everything but business is playing with fire. I honestly believe that some single women need to associate their struggles with relationships now with what they did in their heyday. Think: Did you go out with married men? Did you have an intimate relationship with these men? Back then you may have thought that your youth will stay with you, now some of you reading this are older and don’t feel or look as attractive, but are still attracting older men. Some have become a little absent-minded about the past and never talked to God about it or asked for his forgiveness. I know some people don’t believe in curses, but I think some of us have put curses on our own lives by what we say and do.

We may tell someone how we are such a great person and we could never do wrong, but behind closed doors we are calling ourselves an idiot and saying why we will never have a good relationship or never have children. Reverse the curse, my sister! You could be blessed if you were willing to say and do the deeds that would make you feel good about yourself, rather than do things that hurt you and others. Is it really that important to you to keep an unavailable man in your life? Do you really think that what he promises you will be achieved? Will you be content with what you have to do to keep his gifts coming? Nothing in life comes for free there is always a give and take relationship somewhere. What are you willing to risk to get what you want?

I know of women as I type who have sold their souls to the devil. They will do just about anything to get ahead. They love the fact that they don’t have children because it’s just one less obstacle they have to jump over to achieve fame and fortune. While they are fighting for a place, position, and/or power, they are teaching young girls to do exactly the same things they are doing to get ahead. Their actions say, “Sleep with the boss. Shake your behind and the money will come. Tell this man everything he wants to hear. Keep your mouth shut with this one and you will have favor with him even if he is wrong. Go with this man and he will take care of you. Smile this way, dress that way, talk this way…Change your hair color, straighten your curly hair…” You name it, whatever the magazine, television, agent, doctor, even their mother says to make them look and feel sexy and desired by the public, they will do it all the while getting hurt in the end. At some point someone is going to see Jezebel’s (an evil woman in the Christian Bible) flaws and expose them to the world and there she is at home sitting on the floor crying, depressed, wondering why her life has become such a mess. When you keep feeding the world garbage they are going to want more and more and more until you are spent! Eventually they will be taking the garbage out and dumping it into a grave until they can find "the next best…" You fill in the blank.

I have witnessed unavailable men seek after available women like pimps looking for hoes, because it’s an ego boost for them. They can spot a desperate woman a mile away and they work out their plan before she even looks their way. He knows that if he says all the right things and she behaves herself, he can have his way with her. But when she doesn’t, depending on how rich and powerful he is, he may drop her, take what he gave her back (or in some cases he may get a gift or two like a disease) or worse attempt to kill her. A woman who acts like trash gets treated like trash. If the woman is a mother, she may be spared the games, because she has innocent children that don't need to be caught up in drama, but a child-free slut doesn’t stand a chance. She can’t excuse her disgraceful actions with, “I did it for my kids.” What kids? “I did it because of love.” What relationship? “I did it because I wanted to get ahead.” Really, then the public will label you as a hoe or a selfish b*tch, take your pick. Meanwhile thinking, "What else will this slut do for the mighty dollar?" There she is the single, relationship and child-free woman being escorted to someone’s basement, office, car, garage, woods, ready to be sacrificed like an animal. If she does what she is told, she gets what she is asking for, but most likely her master, I mean old man, is going to tell his friends about her. If she doesn’t do what they ask of her then she will be hurt emotionally and/or physically. But if she is a good little hoe, she just might get some more bills paid.

Nicholl McGuire, author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Plenty of Reasons Why Older Men Date Younger Women, But Middle-Age Issues Live On

So older men date younger women for a variety of reasons from Boaz marrying Ruth to protect a family name to a relative simply liking a young lady and wanting to take care of her--no big deal, right?  Right.  But what if upon closer inspection some of those male mid-life blues start to show up coupled with issues he has carried from the last relationship with a menopausal woman, now what?  The young woman has her work cut out for her--that's what!  She has to be strong, focused, love herself, determined to make the relationship work (that is if she loves her partner) and have a support system that will advise her when things don't look good in the relationship.

I thought of this topic yet again (already wrote about it in the past on other sites and this one) as to why a man dates younger when I noticed many middle-aged women (both on and offline) behaving immaturely (ie. dressing inappropriately, cursing, fighting unnecessarily with partners)--purposely acting like young women in an attempt to keep their man's attention.  However, deep inside these middle-aged women feel jilted, angry, and jealous about the relationship between those "cradle-robbers," as they put it, and " young thangs."  These women's snarky comments, reveal a lot about their insecurities, unresolved issues, and more.

Men who date younger have spoken online and other places saying, "they don't like to feel old, menopausal women make them feel old."  I guess if one complains often about their aches it can be a turn-off.  I have heard menopausal women share a long list of issues with their co-workers about things like: vaginal dryness, weight gain, mood disorders--you name it!  So if they are talking about these things at work, I can only imagine how much more they are sharing with partners!

I would also assume that if a woman isn't taking care of herself both inside and out, her man is going to stray.  He is not going to keep being understanding if his wife/girlfriend keeps telling him, "I'm sorry I can't have sex tonight...these hot flashes are killing me...don't touch me.  Leave me alone!"   A weak man is going to eventually lust or look for a woman who he hopes will make him feel better than the last.  He is going to watch for the woman who doesn't have as many women issues as those who are more mature.  Remember,the old adage, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?"  This is also true for the mature women as well.   

Some mature men grow weary of telling so-called responsible women (both young and old) to take care of themselves.  Notice I didn't say all.  From smelly (you know what) to managing money, women who don't take heed to advice that their mother may have told them or should have, will not keep any man around for long!   

Being that I am not middle-aged yet and not considered youthful either by societal standards, I can date men both young and old (since my face and body at times is deceiving for some),  I am personally indifferent to the topic of dating older and younger now that I am headed for the big 40, yet I do like to write about it and share my observations.  But really, who are the individuals who get a rise when the topic of older men, dating younger women arises?  Scorned middle-aged mothers and daughters, they care.  "Dad left mom for a younger woman who's like my age, wtf!?"  Her mom yells, "Go back to that baby, you call a girlfriend, Pig, Chester the Molester!"

These women care a whole lot!  The insecure wife is often left alone while her husband plays with the twenty-something year olds who could care less that the man is married.  Mom, on low self-esteem, hurts inside because she once looked a certain way and now thanks to society, she is forced to try to work on a face that is no longer holding make-up well.  She despises her body shape and will often comment about others being "...so small...Look at her...I wish I had her body..."  Meanwhile, her daughter just doesn't see men in the same way.  She wonders what the future holds.  She is angered that the young lady is old enough to be her friend.  She thinks, "Why is my dad so stupid?"  Hormones played an impact on dad's decision-making especially if the young woman is old enough to be his daughter.  Sure, there were other reasons that made him like the girl, but most assuredly a mentally stable man, who has a relatively good life and his relationship has very few issues, is not going to suddenly abandon it for a young woman.  But unstable men do it all the time and cover up the true reasons with a barrage of mainstream excuses.  The ignorant overlook the deception and don't bother to think deeply about the topic.  "So it happens, old guy, young lady, who cares?"  They dismiss all reasoning; instead, some just say,  "S$%t happens."  While they move on, middle-age issues live on.

Nicholl McGuire
.  

Older Men - Is Your Age Starting to Get the Best of Your Younger Partner?

Okay so the thought of the older guy getting older is no big deal for some young women, but for others, it is a big deal.  The grim thoughts of what a future may "look" like is important to those women who grew up in families where appearance is everything, fitness is essential, and being with a good provider for one's beloved daughter/sister/niece is weighty.  Oh yes, the older man must step it up in order to remain relevant in the beautiful young lady's life otherwise he runs the risk of being left behind.

Now there are those young women who view love, compassion, respect, and kindness toward their older partners significant in order to make a relationship work, that is when they receive such positive behaviors in return.  However, older women who have been in marriages 10 plus years with partners who are seniors (and not coping so well with midlife) know better that there are days when being nice, patient, and sweet is not what they would say about them.  "He has his days," says one unnamed older woman.  But in all fairness, women have their days too at any age, but this post isn't about them.  So we will stick to discussing those issues that young women have with their older partners maturing.

One young lady reached out to me about a year ago complaining about the lack of sex in her relationship and she was disappointed that her partner wanted less sex.  There was an age difference of 16 years from what I recall.  Then another woman said the same thing about her older partner and then another and another with one sharing quite boldly, "There was no sex and she was considering on having an affair."  What the?  I started thinking there was an epidemic-- little or no sex!?  Now in each situation, the men didn't express any emotional or physical problems to their partners, but with the sheer amount of advertising for male supplements, it is safe to say a lot is going on with men like women. 

Think about this, if an older guy expects a young, attractive woman with a healthy sex drive to be celibate in a marriage or committed relationship while claiming there is nothing wrong with him, someone is asking for trouble.  The cover up is to blame the woman for everything that is wrong.  "We didn't get along...Your mother was difficult.  She had problems.  She didn't want sex.  I tried to be affectionate, but she didn't respond." says dad/uncle/friend.  When the truth is the old guy wasn't putting out--taking care of his woman and she reached that point of frustration where she just couldn't take the b.s. any longer!  Just be honest.  Throw in cheating on the lady and it doesn't help matters, because the old guy will soon discover he doesn't have it going on with the new gal either!

  

For years, a male relative blamed all the women who came and went out of his life for the relationship's demise, but we knew he was the problem.  There were old, young, light, dark, tall, skinny, fat, from city to country, with children and without--a lot of women.  As children we called them, "Ms. or Miss..."  He dressed up his problem with designer suits.  He detailed his cars to lure women.  He took the women to nice places and traveled with them.  And he still couldn't keep any for long until he got older and played the "poor old guy" card with one gullible, young woman.  She stuck around for less than 10 years and played nurse to him for a small stipend.  Eventually his young partner became very ill herself and passed away.  The moral to that story I had learned was don't ever assume that because you are younger you will outlive your gentleman friend.

Some older men will complain like older women about not being in the mood.  Understandably so. The aging process is hellish for some couples especially when they don't take care of themselves like: forgetfulness, chronic pain, mood swings, irritability, impatience, anger outbursts, etc.  But my question to older men, who know they have issues, why rob a young woman of her youthfulness just to temporarily feel good while telling the guys, "Hey I got a young wife/girlfriend/mistress?"  Act wise and let her go freely rather than act selfishly.  As I said in a past blog entry, sooner or later that young lady will wake up to the truth and when she does, she will resent you for the false promises, lies, and other things you claimed you could do for her, but chose not to. 

Don't wonder why the following occurs in an age gap relationship:  increase in arguing with the young lady, anger because you don't like to do much, eye rolls from her family, the sudden rise of tension between what use to be a happy couple, and the mean-spiritedness she has toward you that seems to appear out of thin air with no rhyme or reason.  Getting older is the last thing a young woman is thinking about, but when she is paired with an older man who is slowly or rapidly changing, it forces her to face something she rather not.  "Where did time go?" she thinks.  "And what was I thinking getting involved with an older man?  I should have listened to my parents...grandparents...friends!"  Now off she goes hoping/wishing/waiting for anyone or anything to make her feel young and beautiful again.  Note:  All young women don't run to the arms of younger men.

When age related symptoms start growing like weeds and the one with the most issues chooses to do nothing about them, expect to get what you pay or don't pay for--problems.  The idea that someone is getting older affects all who are close to them.  Think of how it made you feel to see your parents, siblings, and other relatives age, what might the young lady be going through?  Are you making it any easier for her to adjust?

Nicholl McGuire

It's Just Not Working Out, Now What?

So you tried dating older, younger, close to your own age, and every number in between but this dating stuff is wearing you out, besides you are with someone right now that you aren't completely sold on.  When you feel this way, time to fall back. 

It takes time, money and energy to date as you very well know.  But sometimes other demands in life get the best of us and then those issues start trickling over into our dating experiences.  Other times we simply don't want to be bothered with dating, but we will go ahead with a romance just because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings.  However, sooner rather than later, a date may pick up on our lack of interest and jump ship or stick around and begin to annoy us until we make a move.  It is better to cut one's losses early then to string people along especially those who are younger or older.

A man who is in his midlife years is typically looking for someone who is going to keep him company and stick around for awhile.  He realizes the importance of life and values his years hoping to finally find happiness in his personal life.  The mature man may not be interested in marriage, but desire all the things that being in a committed relationship may bring.  But, this is a selfish motive especially if he chooses to continue to date a younger woman who hopes to get married and have children one day.  She will be hurt, confused, and possibly scarred for the rest of her life, if the older man doesn't do what's right and share how he truly feels and why a long term relationship with him just isn't going to work.

As for the younger woman, she most likely feels like she has a lot of years ahead to find her true love so she may not settle with the older man, but then again there is always that possibility that she will stick around if he treats her well.  She may fight feelings of wanting to let him go, but she may put on act in the meantime until she is sure.  Now if a younger woman chooses to date an older man for reasons other than the typical companionship, sex, new experience, security, etc. then there may be something more going on with her than meets the eye.  It isn't any wonder that someone dating her doesn't know what to think of the relationship.  There is always someone who breaks the mold.

Both younger and older dates, like any other date, have their reasons why they think a romance is a bust, not worth pursuing right now, or okay but without or with the sex depending on the agreement between the couple.  But whatever you think you want or don't want from your date, be clear about it.  For example, "I am no longer interested in a romantic relationship...I think it is best we part ways because I can't give you what you want...I realize we are not a match...I prefer to focus on XYZ and have no desire to date anymore." 

Avoid the temptation to pretend like things are okay when they are not.  People who fake like there is a future with someone will be found out and when that happens don't be surprised if Crazy shows up and shows out especially if you say things like, "I love you...I want to keep having sex...Live with me...Don't leave me...Give me sometime to think about things."  Crazy will yell, "So all this time you have been leading me on?  You never really wanted me, you just wanted to use me!  You don't love me, you love my...I outta call your wife!  Better yet, tell everyone you know what I think of you!"  Uh oh.

So when you are ready to stop dating someone:

1.  Do it gradually.  Less phone calls, dates, and avoid taking this person around your family and friends.

2.  Be sure you are no longer leaving things over this person's home.

3.  Don't tell his or her relatives, friends or co-workers how you truly feel.

4.  Contact someone if you feel like your date will act violently toward you.  Record your conversation, meet in a public area, or have a police escort come with you to the residence.

5.  If the person begins to stalk you, leave a photo with the security personnel at your workplace and tell them you wish not to be contacted by this person.  Alert your family and friends you are no longer seeing this person.  If need be, get a Protection From Abuse form from your local police department and also take one out in the community where your date resides.

6.  Keep track of dates and times your date as showed up unannounced at your job, home, and also contacted you by voicemail, email, snail mail, text, online chat, etc.

Be wise and try to maintain your cool as much as possible when ending a relationship.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains this dating blog as well, click here.

When Young Women Love Older Men

There are older women in circles right now discussing why men in their age group go for younger women. They are usually angry, jealous, and bitter about the fact because they know that once they reach a certain age the pickings for men get a lot slimmer. This is why some older women will
not move on or be content being alone. They will hold on to their unavailable ex, date a player, put up with a drunk, and use drugs with an addict or anything else just because they are so desperate to keep a man even when he doesn't want them anymore. So when a younger woman comes along and the older man divorces his wife for her, cheats on his older girlfriend for her or does something else to be with her, some of these older women act like old fools!

The younger woman isn't to blame in most cases unless she deliberately went after an unavailable, happily married man. However, usually these older men are unhappily married, living separate from their wives, divorced, or dating other women but just haven't found one to date exclusively yet. Whatever his issue, his wife's issue or his ex's issue, the point is the young woman has now fallen in love with him.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

What does she feel when she is in love with her older man? What does her action or inaction in the relationship with him look like? Let's answer these questions.

Since every woman is different it's hard to provide specific details as to how she feels about him, but there are some basic things to look out for if you intend to make the relationship a happy one. Because she is younger, she doesn't usually have as much life experience as you. Depending on her age, she may have just moved out of mommy and daddy's home and is beginning to start a life of her own free of authority figures. So if you come along and try to tell her how to live her life like a parent, then she can very easily fall out of love or lust with you and the idea of ever dating a man older. She will then settle with someone closer to her age. However, if you act more like a friend and encourage her to live independently and enjoy her life, then she will eventually find her way to you because you are not stifling her from being the kind of woman she is destined to be.

Some younger women fall deeply in love with older men because her father didn't show her the kind of love she wanted as a child. He may have been absent, physically abusive, or mentally unaware of her existence because he was too busy working. Just imagine, here you are this wonderful, kind older
gentleman with your arms open wide and she will not hesitate to jump in them and look to you to be a father that she never had. Now this isn't always the case, some younger women had great relationships with their dad and wish to be with men who have similar attributes as their father. If their dad was hardworking, took great care of the family, honest, and church-going, then she may expect the same from you. This kind of thinking is not only with young women who date older men but any woman dating any man of any color, age, race, or creed.

When she truly loves her older man she will want to do everything for him and be the kind of woman he adores. This concept is no different if she was with a man the same age or younger. A woman who is treated with respect, admired, loved, and appreciated will react just like a man who feels the same way. She will go out of her way to make him happy when she is in love. However, if she isn't she will grow distant and will start to think of what she may have missed out on by not being with a man her own age. Her family, if they notice that she is not happy in the relationship, will encourage her to break up with the older man and find someone more age appropriate for her. This is why some older, controlling men try to keep the family out of her life because they want to be the only ones who have power over her. Unfortunately, their plan of control usually backfires.  As the young woman ages, she (who was once blind) begins to see and realizes that the older man is just not for her.

Younger women can be a blessing to older men especially when these men reach an age where they can no longer care for themselves. However, they can be a curse to those who mistreated them in their youth.  The older man and younger woman who have a quality relationship will get to experience the joys of life whether emotionally whole or broken, rich or poor, or sick or well.

An older man tends to have the best of both worlds when dealing with a younger woman (that is why his friends tend to envy him and may even hate on his relationship), he can be free to relive his youth again while knowing that if his partner is sincerely in love with him she will see to it that he is taken care of for the rest of his life.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy.  She also is the owner of Nicholl McGuire Media.

Bad Men You Should Avoid Like a Plague

Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame.  In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop. 

Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make.  For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them.  

The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask.  Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriends and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power.  Others may have stayed so long with their troubled men because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s fathers over issues they felt could have been resolved.  Still many women feel they can change men even though we know otherwise.  

As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse.  These strategies simply will never work for some men.  There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change.  She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”

The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.”  She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend.  Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay.  If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically abusive.  They most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.

The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies.  He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them.  Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all.  Actions you may want to consider are the following:  Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof.  Stop taking his lying lightly.  Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer.  If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good.  Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings.  You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.

The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex.  He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets.  He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete.  He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new.  Look out for this repetitious pattern.  

The Player may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Notice the changes in his demeanor and conversation compared to how he behaved before you suspected something.  

Another pattern he may create is choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and tending to "it" faithfully. What you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from his "class" on some nights.  Watch his reaction.  There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some "time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.”  All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together.  

Think about this, when you suggest new places to visit, does he find an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar rather than trying a new spot?  This behavior could be occurring to keep you from running into the other woman or women.  He finds a way, any way, to travel to places without you.  He regularly uses an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.”  

Be careful family and friends will cover for him.  He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women.  He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it may be password protected.  You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation.  In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet.  This is baggage you don’t need.

The Thief – He has been around when things go missing.  At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them.  Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items.  It is time to come up with a plan, set him up.  The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy.  Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.

The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally.  From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly.  Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about.  This man is dangerous.  He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty.  You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?

The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right.  He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him.  In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse.  Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him.  You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically.  You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change.  Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing.  There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men.  There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He.

The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet.  During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located.  When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!)  He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10.  Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him.  Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not.  

The Mooch displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you.  If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows.  You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you.  For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you.  Put a limit on how often he drives your car.  Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you.  Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.)  If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.

The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs?  Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward?  Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior?  If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways.  If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.

This small sample of men you are better off without in your life is nothing compared to all the other ones who are out there that you just might recognize immediately and kick to the curb.  Do take a moment to check out my book and I wish you well, Ladies!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and manages Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, the blog named after the book.

Look Pretty, Be Quiet - Older Man Dating Young Woman

It's been years since I penned a fictional story but for purposes of this blog entry, I will provide the following because I desire to make some of my readers think about their approach when it comes to dating older men and younger women.  Please read.

The older man looking to date younger women noticed one from afar, this one was very pretty--long dark hair, ruby red lips, shapely with an eye-catching rear, attractive face with a narrow nose, about 5'6".  He guessed she was about a D cup, but wasn't certain because he was fooled before.  Oh yes, this was his One--something out of a magazine!  Yet, what the older gentleman didn't know was that she was also pretty smart too.  She observed him looking at her from the corner of her eye.  Sure, he was nice-looking for his age, but from what this college student could tell, this man had his share of baggage.  His eyes that went from warm-looking to cold and then back again briefly told his story.  His posture didn't look to confident as if he was using a nearby rail to hold himself up.

The lust-filled older man was in search of a young lady who could make him smile and give him a good time in the sack she assumed, but what about her needs, she thought?  From the way the man in his fifties walked to the way he talked,she overheard his brief chat in the parking lot.  "Older people love to talk about the weather," she had chuckled to herself as she walked quickly.

The car he drove and his inexpensive attire were also telling, no he didn't give off a sugar daddy vibe--that's for sure!  No, this man didn't have much to share, she told herself. "Probably lost alot in a divorce or still losing."

The older guy had a small, crinkled McDonald's bag in one hand and a small coffee in the other. Either he didn't eat much, was watching his weight, finances or maybe all three, she pondered and continued to watch.  It was obvious that the mature man wasn't young by the way he moved and probably wasn't that good in bed.  He also wasn't as detailed as he once was, the young woman had pity on him as her thoughts increased about her admirer.  He had missed many gray hairs on his head and face from his quick dye job which was too dark and didn't flatter his aging face.  Then that body build wasn't what it used to be if it ever was.  Yet, she looked on smiling at him after their eyes made contact wondering if he carried any useful information to stimulate her ears his appearance wasn't dazzling.

The young woman agreed to date the man after repeated sightings here and there.  The pair would one day meet and he would spoil her with many goodies.

tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com

Then they met again and more items that she needed.  he made such an impression on her that she forgot about all that stuff she thought about him early on.  As the relationship grew more serious, the man promised her a car, bought a very expensive jewelry set, and planned a trip overseas.  It turned out he was exceptionally wealthy.  A broke college student really didn't have much to offer so she thought.  But the man appreciated her company, affection and her beauty much.  However, after much time and money spent, the couple broke up.  

Now in the above fictional story, I want you to fill in the remaining details as to what happened next that led to the relationship's ending.  Did the man lose interest because he realized he wanted more in the relationship?  Did he finally discover that she wasn't really attracted to him?  Did the young woman feel suffocated or controlled?  Do he stop spoiling her?  Did she discover that he was married? The truth is that in many age gap relationships there is no future just temporal companionship and financing.

My version to this story will correlate with the title above.  In reality, some of these age gap dating relationships consist of rich, older men putting pressure on young women to always be their best selves whenever they are around.  For details to the story's ending, I throw this out there:

The man wanted his lady friend to be quiet about "issues" when they would arise and "just have a good time."  Sometimes her intellectual side would get the best of her and she would ramble on about a myriad of thoughts concerning the past, present and future.  But the mature man, who spent much time on his free days unresponsive had rules she had yet to learn.  No talking about any negative personal feelings, asking questions about his past, and no communicating concerns even those that involve the pair.  

Remember I told you in the beginning of the fictional story that the young lady was smart.  The older man believed himself deserving of her, so he watched her too. His poor act was just that, because he was well aware of gold-diggers.  He noticed that the young lady was a hard worker, conscious of her spending, didn't have much, and was proud of her college.  She often wore the school's emblem, ate at McDonald's every Tuesday right before her class and rushed off to the college's shuttle bus stop, because she didn't have enough money to buy a car.  She would wear impressive clothes every now and again, but no accessories.  During those early days of watching his former lover because that's all he ever really wanted but he was open to something serious, he knew the pretty young lady was observant because she often checked her surroundings and saw him and smart too.  But the prideful, mature gentleman, believed he was mature, powerful, and deserving of whatever he desired.  The man never denied himself any forbidden fruit despite his being married more than a couple times, going through a divorce, and then of course the recent serious relationship that didn't work out either. So unfortunately emotional and physical cheating, pride, power,control, and more also contributed to this age gap relationship ending too.

You see, when dating you have to know what you are getting yourself into before emotions take over and what exactly do you want and don't. What are you willing to give and what are you unwilling to tolerate?  You have to look beyond appearance, gifts and sex to truly see the person for who he or she really is.  Troubled people are vulnerable, weak, and easily led into many tempting situations.  Pretty is fleeting, but wisdom lasts a lifetime.  Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of people exercising common sense or wisdom in dating app world or in the real world.  They prefer to get immediate needs met now and worry about the consequences later.  Dismiss what their minds and hearts tell them just to get a thing or two.

"Look pretty..." the older man demanded one day prior to the breakup.  "Just look pretty!  You don't need to talk, I don't need to talk!  But if you should want to talk and you tell me something I don't want to hear or respond to...You will annoy me.  You don't like to be irritated and neither do I!"

The things people say when they have money and a host of other choices.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy.

10 Devious Things Deceptive Mates will Do to Keep You from Knowing the Truth

You have been burdened lately with this indescribable feeling in the pit of your stomach. You suspect that your mate hasn’t been completely honest with you about a number of things. You have attempted to converse with him or her about what is troubling you and the individual hasn’t said or did anything to bring you any relief.

Many women and men have what relationship counselors might call an "intuition," sixth sense or gut feeling when something isn't quite right with their intimate connections. How do you know that your sensibilities are being compromised by your lover?

There are ten things that your deceptive mate might do over the course of your relationship that will keep you guessing when it comes to a variety of issues such as: money, employment, cheating, family, past relationships, and children from the past.  He or she already knows how you feel about any one of these areas, so to ensure that you will always see him or her in the best light, your lover will work hard not to expose you to his or her dark past, secrets, lies, or anything else that may harm his or her connection with you. So what exactly does this person say or do to try to throw your intuition off track?

1)  Deny everything. It seems that no matter what you say to him or her about an issue, there is the common statement of "I don’t remember, I don’t recall, that wasn’t me, I don’t believe...It didn't happen like that...I never did...or I don’t know." One will usually respond to his or her mate, by not asking anymore questions about the matter.  Meanwhile, he or she hopes you have forgotten about it.

2)  Blame others. When your mate doesn’t want to be held accountable for anything, he or she will say, "Maybe you are the one with the problem…She said it not me… I didn’t do it, he did it…you know how he is…you know she doesn’t like you…" Your mate wants you to shift your focus from him or her and put it on someone else. A great distraction is to blame someone you don’t like, this way you both will start focusing on the ex, child, pet, job, etc. rather than on your partner who is causing you the most grief.

3)  Cover up wrong doing with silence. You want your mate to address a problem or concern and he or she says nothing.  For example, the individual may have done something like scratch the side of the car, break your treasured collectible from childhood, spent too much of your money, did something without asking your permission, or acted in ways when you weren't around that he or she knew you would be angry about. Rather than fess up, this person acts as if nothing ever happened. When pressed about the issues, your partner might become offensive and accuse you of wanting to start an argument, walk away or deny everything.

4)  Make excuses. Ask your boyfriend or girlfriend why he or she was late or didn't answer his or her phone, "Did you have your cell phone turned on...Who was that in the car with you?  Were you really over your mother’s house?"  Your lover might stammer, stutter, get angry, look away from you or walk out. All of these behaviors are meant for him or her to buy some time to come up with an excuse. Some may already be prepared with a good story. If you aren’t convinced, check up on one's reasons.

5)  Lie. When your partner doesn't want to face your wrath, feel as if he or she is backed up in a corner, or just want to be spiteful, this person will not tell you the truth. Instead, he or she will make up a story that this person hopes you might believe.

6)  Find fault with you to digress from what they did or didn’t do. Ask your lover about a task that he or she said would be done or mention to your "Babe" that you noticed he or she hasn't bothered to spend time with you lately.  He or she might have a reason why, but by the end of the conversation, you will find that you are defending yourself for things he or she brings up to circumvent the fact that this person isn't doing his or her part in the relationship.

7)  Apologize. Someone told your lover that an apology goes far, so your "Sweetie" will attempt to make up for wrongdoing with a very nice "I’m sorry..." Meanwhile, you are still wondering if she (he) is being sincere and truthful. Actions speak louder than words, so observe how she (he) treats you afterward.

8)  Beg. When they feel that you are about ready to end the relationship, your lover may talk about the years invested, everything you two have done together, what he/she has done for you, etc. When it comes down to it, the beggar is just saying these things, because you caught him or her off guard when this person wasn’t ready to break up with you. In the future, watch what this person says and does, if no changes and things get worse, he or she may be preparing to break up with you.

9)  Cry. Tears are a good way to make you second-guess anything your partner says and does. He or she may be insincere.  Don’t let your quest to seek truth be suffocated with your lover's tears. Act emotional right along with him or her if need be.  Ask this person everything you have ever wanted to know. Frustrate him or her like a witness being questioned by an attorney, so that the truth will start spilling fourth.  At some point, your partner will give up some details that will make you think whether he or she was ever being honest--connect the dots. This is also a good time to provide your lover with any proof you might have. When the emotional dispute is all said and done, your nagging gut feeling may begin to diminish.

10)  Become controlling.  Your girlfriend or boyfriend didn’t want you to find out about personal secrets, the lies told or anything else that puts him or her in a negative light with you, so if the individual suspects that you may be considering on ending the relationship, then be prepared for him or her to act controlling. The idea of you being with someone else is too much for this person to accept when he or she isn't ready to move on.  Your lover will start wanting to keep up with you more than ever before, he or she will become very interested in what you are thinking, where you are going and who are you going with.  Most of all, your mate will try to control the way you should be feeling about him or her by attempting to make you feel like everything you think, do, feel or say is wrong.
There are tricky men and women online and offline and they will not hesitate to use and abuse those who they think are naïve and gullible.  Stay one step ahead and take your time before adding a lover to your bank account, letting him or her drive your car, cohabitate, get engaged or married to someone.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.