The Unavailable Man

“What goes around comes around,” so the old saying goes. During my twenties, single and childless days in the 90s, I was approached by many family men. They thought they had it going on with their young wardrobe and lingo. They wanted to show me, who at the time was a hip woman back in the day, what they knew about my generation. I wasn’t necessarily turned on by the gray hair, the age mark here and there, and what I would call the “old man” odor, but I was turned on by their success. I wanted to learn a thing or two from these men, but I definitely didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up anyone’s happy home. These married men were slick back then and so I hear, the game hasn’t changed much. Taking off their rings, silencing their pagers and offering to take me to places far away from the city these were just a few things I experienced with older married men, I was still young so I had yet to learn the game.

When I did catch on, I used the knowledge I had learned and put one married man to the test. This slickster used his sister to call me, because he was busy with his wife. I didn’t know he was married until that phone call. I told her about herself and him and warned her to tell him never to call me again. Had I pursued a relationship with this attractive guy who had a great salary to go along with him, I would have been considered a home-wrecker. One battle was won, but there were more tests that I would face as I got older. I admit I had my share of wins, but I also had some situations that were too close for comfort and as I said earlier, “What goes around comes around.” Later, I would be cheated on by someone I once loved.

Flirting is harmful. Talking to a married man on the phone periodically about things non-related to business is not okay. Sitting down in a restaurant after work hours discussing everything but business is playing with fire. I honestly believe that some single women need to associate their struggles with relationships now with what they did in their heyday. Think: Did you go out with married men? Did you have an intimate relationship with these men? Back then you may have thought that your youth will stay with you, now some of you reading this are older and don’t feel or look as attractive, but are still attracting older men. Some have become a little absent-minded about the past and never talked to God about it or asked for his forgiveness. I know some people don’t believe in curses, but I think some of us have put curses on our own lives by what we say and do.

We may tell someone how we are such a great person and we could never do wrong, but behind closed doors we are calling ourselves an idiot and saying why we will never have a good relationship or never have children. Reverse the curse, my sister! You could be blessed if you were willing to say and do the deeds that would make you feel good about yourself, rather than do things that hurt you and others. Is it really that important to you to keep an unavailable man in your life? Do you really think that what he promises you will be achieved? Will you be content with what you have to do to keep his gifts coming? Nothing in life comes for free there is always a give and take relationship somewhere. What are you willing to risk to get what you want?

I know of women as I type who have sold their souls to the devil. They will do just about anything to get ahead. They love the fact that they don’t have children because it’s just one less obstacle they have to jump over to achieve fame and fortune. While they are fighting for a place, position, and/or power, they are teaching young girls to do exactly the same things they are doing to get ahead. Their actions say, “Sleep with the boss. Shake your behind and the money will come. Tell this man everything he wants to hear. Keep your mouth shut with this one and you will have favor with him even if he is wrong. Go with this man and he will take care of you. Smile this way, dress that way, talk this way…Change your hair color, straighten your curly hair…” You name it, whatever the magazine, television, agent, doctor, even their mother says to make them look and feel sexy and desired by the public, they will do it all the while getting hurt in the end. At some point someone is going to see Jezebel’s (an evil woman in the Christian Bible) flaws and expose them to the world and there she is at home sitting on the floor crying, depressed, wondering why her life has become such a mess. When you keep feeding the world garbage they are going to want more and more and more until you are spent! Eventually they will be taking the garbage out and dumping it into a grave until they can find "the next best…" You fill in the blank.

I have witnessed unavailable men seek after available women like pimps looking for hoes, because it’s an ego boost for them. They can spot a desperate woman a mile away and they work out their plan before she even looks their way. He knows that if he says all the right things and she behaves herself, he can have his way with her. But when she doesn’t, depending on how rich and powerful he is, he may drop her, take what he gave her back (or in some cases he may get a gift or two like a disease) or worse attempt to kill her. A woman who acts like trash gets treated like trash. If the woman is a mother, she may be spared the games, because she has innocent children that don't need to be caught up in drama, but a child-free slut doesn’t stand a chance. She can’t excuse her disgraceful actions with, “I did it for my kids.” What kids? “I did it because of love.” What relationship? “I did it because I wanted to get ahead.” Really, then the public will label you as a hoe or a selfish b*tch, take your pick. Meanwhile thinking, "What else will this slut do for the mighty dollar?" There she is the single, relationship and child-free woman being escorted to someone’s basement, office, car, garage, woods, ready to be sacrificed like an animal. If she does what she is told, she gets what she is asking for, but most likely her master, I mean old man, is going to tell his friends about her. If she doesn’t do what they ask of her then she will be hurt emotionally and/or physically. But if she is a good little hoe, she just might get some more bills paid.

Nicholl McGuire, author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.