Warning for the Young Women - The Quiet and Gentle Older Men Who Change

He is kind, patient, and finds the time to do and say nice things for others.  The genuinely nice older gentleman is one of the best bachelors.  He enjoys his life immensely and the only thing that is missing is a steady companion.  When you meet him, you have struck gold!  He is loving and wants what is best for you.  You both are fortunate to connect with one another and you sincerely hope that your relationship is happy ever after.

Yet, people change and the man you first encountered days, weeks, or years ago is no exception.  Life throws a curve ball (financial challenges, difficult exes, bitter children, poor business decisions, etc.) and that quiet and gentle older man slowly turns into a distant older man with a lot on his mind and being in a relationship with his young companion is no longer a consideration.  His bodily issues get the best of him, his conversation isn't what it use to be, and he is seemingly disinterested in her and all that is connected with the young lady.

Young women who have dated, married or befriended older men who initially have a quiet and gentle spirit learn sooner or later that they just can't do much with easily distracted and self-absorbed men.  You either learn to tolerate them or move on.  As much as you would like to have that great guy again, he isn't coming back (at least not on a regular basis). His head, finances, and possibly energy is elsewhere.  Sure, you might see that sparkle in his eyes every now and again and may enjoy his company in spurts, but in time he is back to that person you would have never even looked at much less dated.

Older men who change so suddenly or gradually due to life challenges can be difficult for older women too since many mature ladies are also going through their changes (i.e. menopause).  The pair don't tend to get along either.  This is why for a number of couples they separate or divorce.  Things don't get much better between the older men with andropause and the young women with PMS related symptoms and more when the newness wears off too.  A grumpy older man is what he is and a young woman going through much is who she is.   Neither can positively influence the other for long before one or both grows weary of the other.

So these older, quiet gentle men who appear so warm and friendly, they exist, but beware of the changes ahead if you are younger.  However, keep in mind there are those who are mere actors and all that glitters isn't always gold with them.  They promise much but in the end, as we all know, many people break promises.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.

How Do I Find Myself? What Will You Have to Risk, Change to Be Happy with You?

How Do I Find Myself? What Will You Have to Risk, Change to Be Happy with You? (Young Women)

Seeking an Older, Wiser, Richer Guy -- Good Luck with That!

You might get a guy who is wiser than the last boyfriend, but not richer.  You might get richer, but not wise.  You might get okay, but not sexy.  Or, you might get nothing, but another headache.  So what to do?  Accept the poor man for who he is!

You see we live in this world where we think that we can have it all.  Sure, you might feel like you won everything you ever wanted in a date, but sooner or later something in your life is going to give you a headache--whether it is that hot guy, his mother, his children, his job or all of the above.  Then what?  You trade the old man in for a new model, huh?  If that is your intention, then you learned from the best, old players out there, and I'm not judging.  That's what many of the middle-age guys having a mid-life crisis did with their wives, girlfriends, lovers, and others.  But you don't have to be that selfish dame or gold-digger.  Rather, you can drive that old guy to his grave a happy man simply by being the best you possibly can inside and out! 

You aren't perfect, Sweetheart and neither is he.  You aren't always going to look so beautiful and that's okay.  As long as you have that love-sick chap wrapped around your finger, then who cares, right?  His sister might stir up some hate (hell look at her), his mother will caution (her marriage ain't so great), and his friends (male and female) will show a bit of envy and in the end, you will win whether he leaves you or you leave him...you still got a lot of years ahead of you (that is if your maker doesn't call you home sooner).  So enjoy your time with that man you might call your "Sugar daddy," he just might be your meant to be or that wise teacher that will direct you to where you need be.  But if not, life goes on, now doesn't it?  You can make it whether with him or not.

Nicholl McGuire
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Young Woman Watch for the Seemingly Rich, Older Man with Many Hang-ups

The major issue above all for the aging male is his personal failures. Those things that he doesn't want to come right out and say but from the looks of things we can see he is making up for something by the way he spends, shares, invests, and talks about his money, family, employment, and other issues. I noticed this after years of watching mature kinfolk act in unreasonable and illogical ways when it came to dealing with personal challenges. They would allude to goals that were never reached like increasing finances and owning homes, accomplishments that were never rewarded by employers, regrets regarding ruining family connections, the regrets of not taking opportunities when given a chance and more. Their need to make them feel good about what they should have, could have done propelled some of the once brightest and honest minds into murky waters.

There is an insatiable desire in some seemingly kind men to want bigger and better. Mr. Charmer sometimes looks to obtain whatever is suitable for him without regard to loved ones' feelings. He is open to making drastic career changes, divorce, abandon children, and more "to make some things happen." A man, spoiled with riches, yet doesn't feel he has enough money, material assets, and other things might feel more tempted to take major financial risks, steal from his employer(s) or hoard his money than a man that is use to living paycheck to paycheck. 

The greedy man feels he must present himself to the world as being more successful than fellowmen, a great catch for the ladies, an influential business mogul, etc. He will creatively change his external world to reflect his vision as best he can even if he participates in dishonest practices to finance his illusions and even at the cost of possibly his freedom and family. It is at that middle point in the mature male's life (40 plus) that this charmer has achieved more than a promotion, degree, and a sports car, but he has become a master deceiver. Men like this have decades experience fooling people. They continue to manipulate the unsuspecting about things related to their personal and professional lives and they are quite believable.

Some of these white-collar charmers begged, borrowed and stole to make themselves appear like they are knowledgeable, good, mature, dependable, honest, and other faux character traits to depict them. These men enjoy being admired more than they do working. Self-absorbed men feed off of anyone who shows them any attention as mentioned in earlier chapters. So they will partner with those who love riches like they do, and who are wiling to go above and beyond the call of duty for them. Sometimes those closest to these manipulators know what is happening when they are being mistreated and other times they are unaware, because slick people like this can sting you in such a way that you don't know you are being stung until it is too late.

Excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire

Dating Violence While in College: Author talking about abusive relationship with older man

When a Relative Says " No Way" to Dating the Old Dude

Not everyone in the family will be supportive of a young woman dating an older fellow.  When this happens, it makes it difficult to focus on the relationship.  Male relatives can be overprotective and even threatening when it comes to their loved one going out with the "old dude" they may even wish death upon him for coming into their young relative's life.

Any man who sincerely wants to be in a relationship with someone will fight to be with his partner, but he won't be a fool to stay when all hell is breaking lose because of his mere existence.  One would be wise to determine what type of fight will he be fighting and how long in order to stay with his young date.  He will also need to observe his young partner's mannerisms whe dealing with family. She may still be too young mentally to handle being in a relationship with a mature man and too fearful to stand up to family.

Threats of violence from the woman's family members and friends just isn't worth it although some men enjoy a challenge.  However, one would be better off waiting until the young woman is independent and away from troubled relatives.  If she is in love and genuinely cares for her older man, she must understand that he is not going to keep putting his life at risk to be with her--no matter how beautiful she might be.  Chances are a relative or friend may have warned him to go away or else.

"The old dude" is typically hated by one or a few relatives simply because he may have done some things to the young woman that she shared with relatives who were supposed to keep quiet about, but didn't.  They don't like "the old dude" for good reason even if all parties don't know what about. 

Sometimes the older man did nothing during the dating process to hurt the young lady, but just the sight of an aging man going out with the young, attractive person just might be too much to bear for some.  Thoughts might be, "What does he want with my daughter/niece/sister/cousin?  Who does he think he is showing up at my doorstep...I know his type!?"  That type might be like the one questioning the relationship, a liar, cheat, pimp, player type.  It takes one, to know one.

The couple will want to consider the family's objections; however, don't permit loved ones to dominate one's choice in a partner.  Maybe there are some things that they see in one or both individuals that are a sincere cause for concern. 

Nicholl McGuire also maintains and contributes to the blog:  Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. and Relationship Advice.

Deception: When the pretty woman, nice man turns ugly

Don't ever feel so comfortable with an older man that you, younger woman, feel as if you can let yourself go.  And older man, don't feel that a younger woman will stick around just because you promise to take care of her while pretending you are taking care of yourself.  In both situations, you will be found out sooner or later! 

Most experts will tell you that men are visual creatures who like to look at attractive women.  Well, I will have to say that women like to look at nice looking men too, but beauty isn't high on our list.  We can date unattractive men as long as they have other things that attract us to them like a nice body, voice, intelligent, kind, caring, etc.  With that said, a younger woman who thinks that she can go from a 10 to a 5 while dating an older man who she feels comfortable with is going to find herself in trouble one day like an ugly, nice man thinking that it's okay to start acting mean now that he has the pretty woman.

How you begin a dating relationship is going to set the foundation for the future.  People lose interest quickly when the packaged goods is not what they expected they would be once they have invested in them.  If the younger woman advertises, "Fun and sexy with no strings attached."  What do you think that older man who stumbles across her profile is going to want from the day he meets her and beyond?  So a future of marriage, not likely, if she so desires that kind of relationship with him one day.  If the younger woman displays an ad that says, "Christian single seeking an older man who loves God..." She is going to expect that older man to have a faith and attend church with her.  Now if he starts going to the club or bar, the relationship is over. 

We must be careful what messages we convey to others especially if we are seeking our ideal mate.  We also have to be willing to keep up with our image as best we can.  The people who have the hardest time maintaining who they are and what they represent are those who are not sincerely what they claim to be.  If the older man claims that he is active and outgoing in the beginning of th dating relationship, yet when he starts dating the younger woman, she discovers he is the total opposite of what he says, the younger woman is going to feel deceived and call him out on his false advertising.  Why lie or cover who you really are?  Why point the finger back at someone when busted in a lie?

The best advice anyone can take from this blog entry is to be on your best behavior while dating, but also stay true to who you are!  One shouldn't have to find out the hard way that someone sold them a bag of goods just to get immediate needs met.  The pretty woman should stay pretty for as long as she can.  The ugly man should stay nice for as long as he can.  Don't change the script, so to speak, without telling your date in advance so that he or she won't be shocked.  Far too many women wear fake items to enhance their beauty and far too many older men take medicines that make their bodies behave in ways that are unreal.  Once all the glitz and glamour and male enhancements wear off, you are left with your true self!  Now who is deceiving who?

Nicholl McGuire

What Does Age Have to Do With It?

So many looks, comments, eye rolls, and more just because someone decides to date younger, a different ethnicity, religion, or income bracket (sigh).  When will people learn that there is more to life than their personal experiences?  When will people understand that not everyone desires "to stick with their own kind."  Most people who have all sorts of hang ups with what others are doing intimately unfortunately don't have a satisfying life.  They are either secretly jealous because they can't be with someone that looks even half as fine as the person you are with.  They are bitter because they have to work long hours while their mate doesn't bother to do much in the area of finances.  The reasons are simply endless as to why people, who are typically bored in their own relationships, feel the need to want to negatively contribute to the lives of others.  So how do you keep your head above water so that you are not that one who is alone, jealous, and simply mad that you messed up a good thing because you took advice from a negative individual?

One.  Avoid getting mixed up with narrow-minded people who have a twisted mentality when it comes to love, dating, etc.  It doesn't matter whether this person is your mother or your best friend, don't listen to someone who cares more about voicing his or her out-dated, ignorant opinions than your personal happiness.  The strongest relationships survive because they keep busybodies out!

Two.  Don't take yourself, faith, political view, children, job, or anything else so seriously to the point that you miss out on cultivating a great relationship with your partner.  If your children, your job and everything else mean the world to you, then you need not look to be in a relationship for long.  Intimate relationships thrive on attention and when a partner sees that everyone and everything else is more important, he or she will start thinking about the grass being greener on the other side.  It doesn't matter how young, cute, physically fit, or how much money you have, if you don't have time to emotionally and physically connect with your partner then you don't have time for a relationship.

Three.  Bring more than meets the eye to your relationship.  There are plenty of people in this world that have flashy, nice, sexy, good, exciting things that they care for, drive, build, and do much with, but after awhile things get old.  Look beyond what you see.  Is there a man or woman in front of you that has more going on besides what they wear and what they do?  Part of being in a relationship is discovering the wonderful truths about a person along with how might you be able to help your loved one with the not-so nice stuff. 

In closing, do think about the things that make you want to be with your mate beyond this year--that's right plan for the future.  What kind of person is this that is worth your time and affection?  Are your feelings being reciprocated?  Is there someone else who you think would be a better match?  Why are you in a relationship with this person?  When you can answer questions like this and more, then you know you are on a path toward a committed, serious relationship.  But if you  find yourself turned off with questions like these or avoid them, then you are not ready to settle down.  It would be best to communicate your feelings to your partner only if you believe your mate is hoping for something more with you.  But if you aren't completely sure about your feelings, don't say anything until you are prepared for the consequences--good or bad.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

You Are What You Create: When the Older Man and Younger Woman Collide

How you begin a relationship sets the foundation for many things more to come.  There are mature men who don't mind spending wads of cash on their younger companions from the start of the relationship, but there are those men who hold on to their money as if they fear spending it.  Then you have those men in between who know how to balance their wealth and spread it around such as: save, invest, donate, and so on.  When you are in a relationship with any woman, whether young or old, you have to take a good long look at yourself.  When things start to go wrong, you have to admit that somewhere down the line you presented yourself one way and your date saw you in a totally different way.  Whether you were clear about your intentions, habits, beliefs and other things, evidently you didn't make your point crystal clear--now the drama begins.

Some men disguise themselves as being the playful, outgoing and talkative types with younger women, at least in the beginning of the relationship; however, in time, they begin to get comfortable, too comfortable.  The same is true for younger women too.  Rather than seeing his younger partner as different than he and vice versa while trying to adjust, he hopes that she will act more like him--laid back, a home body, and whatever else he truly sees himself to be.

Younger, active women have a hard time with older men who don't have much going on outside their jobs and television screens.  If a mature date presented himself not to be the couch potato type early on, then that is what she expects to see, a man who is doing more outside or around the home besides sitting, eating and sleeping.  When the truth comes out about some older men's intentions, habits, and more, he becomes irritable, disappointed, and somehow blames his partner for the false impression he gave her from the start.  "I don't like going places...I don't like seeing shows...I prefer to stay home...I never said I liked that..." the once handsome, active older man who presented himself as such, behind the scenes, is nothing more than a grumpy old man.  Now the relationship takes an ugly turn, "Well, if I would have known this is how you truly are...I would have..." the younger woman complains.  "I thought you knew I was this way!" he retorts.

Age differences play a part in a May-December relationship.  There are those older men who prefer to go to bed early, while others stay up late into the night while nodding on and off in front of TV or computer screens.  There are younger women who do the same.  But if no one shows his or her true colors from the start, then you don't know what you might get later on down the road.

You are what you create.  If you don't want a gold digger, then don't spend money like your younger date is one.  If you don't want a lazy older man, then don't do everything for him.  You get the point?  So do take a good, long look at what you have done so far that caused unnecessary drama in your relationship and work to change it before someone threatens to break up--that is if that hasn't happened already (sigh).

Nicholl McGuire

Do Some Say You Are Wise? Your Date Might Not Appreciate Wisdom

Nowadays lighthearted, silly statements in videos, movies and songs seem to get the popular vote.  For many, life is just too dull, serious, routine, and so on.  So single daters seek a pick me up whether that be in a person, place or thing.  However, what daters should seek is love and wisdom above moments of laughter. 

Many young people who haven’t experienced much in life such as: long-term relationships, consistent employment, foreign travel, years of parenting, etc. bring a limited view to one deemed wise and one who is mature and has no direction, well he or she is considered nothing more than a fool.   

Now if you put two immature, inexperienced people together, the chances that the couple will get along are quite good at least for a time until serious issues come up.  But if you pair a wise person (whether young or old) with someone who is unwise mentally and spiritually, you will have an unbalanced relationship where one is often investing knowledge, love, experiences, and possibly money, while the other is like a bump on a log.  After awhile, the one receiving all those wise tips is going to get weary of his or her partner, since he or she has very little to bring to the relationship, and eventually resent him or her.  On the other hand, the wise person is going to regret having wasted so much time hoping for compatibility and a return on his or her investment.  

Foolish people don’t like spiritual people and vice versa.  If you are wise, don’t manipulate yourself into thinking that you can change, re-arrange, create, or motivate a silly, immature or uneducated person to act the way you want.  If you believe this, then consider yourself controlling.   

Now there are those who you know who may enjoy your teachings and thoughtful insight, but they don’t spend as much time with you like an intimate partner would.  Wisdom is not popular, doesn’t rank high when it comes to character attributes, and isn’t what young people consider, “Cool.” Besides, there are even older adults who run from wisdom because they don’t want to feel:  old, convicted about sins, or think they should change.

So if you are one who has been told you are “wise,” be mindful that those you might attract may not be as wise as you.  They also will not help you toward creating the kind of relationship you so desire either especially if they don’t respect or appreciate wise people.   

You can test dates simply by sharing biblical quotes, thoughts on love, philosophical concepts related to things you think he or she enjoys, etc.  Then watch your date's reactions.  Do this enough times in different ways on different days (especially bible related verses), and the apple of your eye will begin to look spoiled to you.  Once you realize this person is definitely not someone you could see yourself spending your life with, break free.  Don’t be like so many who try to rescue, rehabilitate, change, or build up fools.  If one cannot or refuses to do anything that will make them better in all that he or she does, yet you are this type, then you don’t want to choose the broken, emotionally hurt, and wounded for a life-long partner.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street and other books.