Dating Older African American Men

My dating older African American men experiences started when I was 19 years old and stopped soon after I got married the first time, broke up started back up, and then ended after meeting my online date and marrying him (all at least eight plus years older--the oldest being almost 20 year age difference).

The first mature man that took interest in dating me was a 41 year old who was hiding his thinning hair as best he could.  I accidentally brushed up against it once and he straightened it out as fast he could while looking downcast.  I apologized and felt bad for him.  Anyway, I was happy to go out with the nice guy still in college like me at the time.  I was especially proud to be seen with him after seeing the black Stingray I would be riding in on our first date!  Not a rental--he owned it because he was one of the few guys I met who did some wise things with his money during his youth.

My parents jaws dropped when they heard the sports car arrive in the front of their home.  They forgot all about how old he was and he didn't look his age which was alright with them--I guess.  I didn't bother to get their opinion, I was too busy thinking about all the fun I was going to have with this one.

The tall African American gentleman slowly got out the shiny car that looked like it just came off the showroom floor.  Once he saw me coming down the stairs outside my parents home, he headed over to the passenger side to open the door, he smiled warmly after looking me over.  I was dressed to kill and just as sharp as the automobile!

He wasn't the first man that would take me to quality restaurants, make promises of traveling around the country and elsewhere, and talk of making me a wife and mother one day.  The same year more older men, more promises, gifts, and dates.  Later came promise and engagement rings from the divorced, the married getting a divorce, the friends with benefits, the abusive man, and the momma's boy.  The following year and more years to come more of the same.

I noticed a pattern while dating older, black men I dated born around the 1960s (Civil Rights Movement)--they were chauvinistic and a few angry.  Yep, I said it.  These men enjoyed the company of beautiful women, complimented them much, and even bought them some things, but wasn't much interest in personal opinion, counsel, or requests unless they benefited in some way.  On top of the loveless connections (at least on my end) I wasn't the only woman with several, I was one of a group--the fresh meat, the rebound chic, the smart one, or PYT (pretty young thang) that was also being persuaded to wait for whatever--a relationship, money, car, home--whatever!  But of course the sweet lines of, "I will drop everyone for you...You are so gorgeous, sexy...I love you.  I will leave my wife..."  Huh, what wife?

Anyone who has dated a black man knows how charming they can be with their smooth words.  They can melt the underwear off of you--I kid you not!  While giving you small tokens, some are expecting you to pay for major purchases or invest in their dreams.  I noticed when tactics didn't work with me and other black women, some of these same men went off to be with white women--didn't bother me, enjoy.

I did not like the subtle as well as blatant control tactics many of these men used to feed their egos.  I could see that there was also some commitment issues with many of them that's why I didn't continue to date them.  Given that there is less than 15% of African Americans in the United States (last I checked the population stats) that means there isn't a whole lot of available men.  You have many incarcerated, gay, bi-sexual, ill, and too young to date of that percentage.  Those suitable for dating are great catches but have their share of issues including:  unemployed, addictions, mental disorders, exes, children from previous relationships (and mothers who don't necessarily want to let them go), dating inter-racially (not black women) and have mistresses or girlfriends.  A smaller percentage are faithful and mainly at home when not working but also have their woes.  The dating scene is indeed tough when it comes to connecting with quality older black men and even more challenging when trying to marry.

Things are even more difficult when there are those African American men, who are single and childless, but don't take care of themselves.  They seek younger women, but they don't get very far because some just aren't attractive.  However, with a fat wallet, suddenly they are "fine" and "sexy" according to some single, gold-digging women of all races.

Nicholl McGuire