Wednesday

Age Didn't Matter Until...


I didn't notice the age difference until "they" pointed it out.

Age gap dating highs and lows.  Sometimes you discover there are more lows than highs.


by Nicholl McGuire

Should You Date an Older Man or Woman?

Someone who is 10, 15, 20 or even 30 years older than you has expressed romantic interest.  However, lately you have had some mixed feelings about dating them, how do you deal with your doubts and be at peace with your decision to date, stay in the relationship or end it?

Meet Nadine, she was 21 when she met Dalton 31.  He seemed to have his life very much together as compared to some of the guys she met her own age.  However, Nadine and Dalton came from different worlds.  When Dalton was a child, men were very domineering over women and when Nadine was a child every woman she ever knew was independent.  Their worlds began to collide.  Dalton expected Nadine to listen to him and follow his instructions about cooking and keeping the house clean, take his suggestions on how to dress in front of men and most of all how to communicate with him without using slang and curse words.  Dalton mentioned to her one day he thought she was rather young and they didn’t have many common interests, but there was nothing more said about his statement.  He avoided bringing the age difference issue up to her again, because he definitely didn’t want to break up with her at least not right then.  On the other hand, Nadine wasn’t sure she could continue to look at Dalton’s receding hairline much longer while he gave her his suggestions about how she should act.  She also grew weary of sitting at home watching Dalton’s selection of classic movies on weekends.  Both of them continued to see one another despite their differences; however, they were considering on breaking up with one another secretly.

Although Nadine’s complaints seem trivial, she is use to doing things with people mainly her own age and she socializes with very youthful and attractive people (who haven’t lost their hair at least not yet.)  On the other hand, Dalton works around many people his own age and doesn’t see anything wrong with “teaching” Nadine.  Despite their conflict over age differences, they get along at times, but they are silently grappling with the issue.

Before you decide to date, propose, marry or break up with someone much older or younger than you, be sure to write down all of your concerns.  Don’t just think about how you feel about him or her presently, but how you may feel about them in the future.  What is important to you about another person’s personality and physical attributes may not be so important to everyone else.  The decision you reach should be one you are comfortable with not one someone else tries to convince you to make.  Some people may tell you how great it is to date someone older for wisdom, wealth, growth and other reasons that seem logical.  However, you may have a problem with the way he or she looks, talks to you or treats you out in public.  Others may tell you how wonderful it is to date a younger person, because they don’t have as much baggage, they are exciting and youthful, yet you may find their conversations are annoying or discover they are completely the opposite of what you expected.  Avoid going into a relationship or continuing one with heavy doubts.  If there is a small voice telling you he or she is not the one, listen to it.  No matter how reasonable or logical someone’s advice may sound, go with what gives you peace of mind.

Being with someone who is older or younger is very similar to dating someone inter-racially.   People will stare and comment.  Your own family may be critical and tell you what they think of your mate.  You will have to be prepared to stand strong in the face of opposition if you really want your relationship to work.  Some ex-spouses will attempt to make life difficult for you (and use the children if you have any.)  They may be jealous, angry or even still in love with you depending on how you broke up with them.  Know how to handle them, so that your new mate will not feel insecure or want to leave you.

Questions you may have not thought about are as follows.  Consider asking yourself the following and acting on your response.  It is best to know what you want and how you feel about the relationship before you fall too deeply in love. 

Before You First Met

How would you describe your life before meeting this older or younger person?  This question is important to answer.  For instance, some people who are in their 40s could have recently came out of a relationship with someone who was about the same age and found he or she to be rather boring, tired, miserable, or depressed.  As we know the older you get the more likely hormonal changes occur, unexpected aches and pains and other body challenges.   Sometimes hormones will motivate desires to have every facet of one’s life be changed such as ending a long term marriage, selecting a younger more exciting mate, quitting his or her job and traveling, buying a sports car that one cannot afford, exercising obsessively, dressing younger or taking a deep interest in having a baby or caring for babies. Some people later regret their decisions because they realize a visit to the doctor’s office and a prescription could have kept them from making life- altering changes.  Maybe the problem wasn’t with their previous mate; instead, he or she may have had mental issues.

Another thought you may want to consider, if you are younger, is how was your relationship with your mother and father growing up?  Do you find there is a pattern in selecting mates older than you?  There are young women who are very much in need of a father figure and will confuse that need with their desire to date an older man.  If she had no male influence growing up or her own dad didn’t seem interested in relating to her, she may look for qualities in an older man to compensate for what she lacked in childhood.  An older man who may be aware of this behavior may want to consider what role he will want to play in her life:  good friend, lover, god father, acquaintance or all of the above. 

Some older men have desires to have someone care for them particularly if they never had a daughter. There may be a reason why for some of you, you are consistently seeking younger women.  Think about your past relationships, did you find yourself tempted to teach, correct and instruct your younger mate?  Do you find you can control a younger woman or “get away” with certain things you couldn’t with a woman your own age?

When You First Met

This younger or older mate definitely had something about them that drew you to them, what was it?   If you find there is nothing more than physical qualities, sex and/or money, then you can be sure the relationship will be challenged.  There has to be more than these attributes to make you want to be with him or her.  What is it you like or dislike about he or she?  What is it that your mate likes or dislikes about you?  Will you be able to deal with these differences long term?

Physical Characteristics

As we all know beauty comes and goes, will you still find him or her attractive in the short and long term?  What happens when he or she is ill, pregnant or disabled and not looking his or her best?  Have you centered the relationship on appearance and showing him or her off to the public for attention?  A man or woman with a fifty-year-old body doesn’t look like a man or woman with a twenty or thirty-something year old body?  Will you be able to handle a body aging?  If you are older, are you confident enough in the way you look that you won’t give your younger mate a hard time when you see them around people many years younger than you?  If you are younger, what are your feelings about gray hair, balding, protruding bellies and varicose veins? 

Personality

There will be those moments when you may say something that will reveal your true age.  It may be a story about how you grew up, what kind of music you like, how old your parents are or something reminding your mate how old or young you are.  How do you feel when you have conversations with your mate and how does he or she make you feel?  Do you find him or her uninteresting?  Do you feel more comfortable around people who are your own age?  How do you think your feelings will affect your relationship in the future?  As discussed earlier, hormonal changes will also come to challenge the relationship.  For men, will you be able to handle a future pregnant woman’s mood swings, menopause, or PMS?   As for women will you be able to deal with male mental and physical issues?

Finances

When either a younger or older mate has wealth, he or she may be very generous or protective of it.  They may not know what your motives are for being with them.  How will you respond to their concerns?  Do you have your own personal wealth you can be proud of?   Will your mate object if you work, don’t work, own your own business or go back to school?  Do you expect your mate to assist you?  Have you discussed how much you make, what kind of bills you pay and how much they are and if you can afford to help one another?  Can you both afford to travel, eat out at restaurants and enjoy other forms of entertainment?  All of these questions are important because our interests are a big part of our lives, if you want to do things together, you don’t want money to be an issue later in the relationship. 

Relatives

Your family will also reveal how old you are as well.  Her sister maybe twenty years old and yours may be forty years old.  Your mate may not have too much in common with her potential sister-in-laws and vice versa.  Don’t anticipate the family will love your mate, because they may not.  Instead, they will question, “What does this younger woman want with my son?  Why is this old man going out with my daughter?”  They will discuss motives among each other and eventually talk with you as to what they suspect is your mate’s reasons for being with you.  Don’t fall into the temptation to believe what you hear unless there is proof from your mate that tells you otherwise.

Children

If you had children or are thinking about not having any, then your younger mate needs to know this.  Don’t cover up how you really feel by saying, “Oh maybe one day.”  The truth will later reveal itself and when it does it won’t help your relationship.  If you are serious about not wanting children, state the truth.  If you have children from a previous relationship, tell your mate.  There are consequences whether you tell or don’t tell.  Avoid hurting your mate anymore than you have to by being honest and allow them the opportunity to make a choice whether to continue a relationship with you.  If you would like to have children one day, be sure your mate knows, but don’t try to convince him or her she will be a good father or mother, let them think about your plans and reach a decision on their own.  

Death

This should concern anyone in any kind of relationship.  The day will come where we will all die.  Think of the person you are with and include them on your insurance policy.  You don’t need to tell them what you have done.  However, if they choose to be with you for the rest of their lives and you are many years older, you know the days will come when they will most likely have to care for you.  Don’t leave your mate or children with any financial burdens.  Plan how your wealth will be handled once you are gone.


Although the information in this article is very detailed for a relationship that may not have started yet or is just beginning, it has provided you with a glimpse of what you will have to consider in the future.  Re-read it.  Make your decision to date someone older or younger wisely, not out of lust, selfish gain, curiosity or some other trivial reason.

Nicholl McGuire shares insightful wisdom around the web, check out "Messages for the Soul" on YourListen.com

Friday

10 Reasons Why Dating a Mature Gentleman Might Be Good for You

A woman doesn't always want someone who is her own age or younger, there are men out there who are mature, have great personalities and are emotionally, physically and spiritually stable.  If your experiences with dates have been subpar, you can't seem to connect with men your own age, then why not consider dating someone 10, 15 or 20 plus years older?  So when does a woman know when dating a mature gentleman is indeed right for her?

1)  When she has had more than enough failed attempts at dating men in her age group.

2)  When she has found that she is the one spending more money and time on men who simply are all looks and no go.

3)  When she has been told repeatedly that she acts older, wise, or mature for her age, but the partners she picks are immature or too young for her.

4)  When she has seen far too many connections around her lead to break ups, separation or divorce.  She might learn a few things from experienced widows who stuck it out with their wives for over 20 plus years.

5)  When she knows that she isn't the least bit attractive to young men.

6)  When she can clearly see in the mirror that she looks older for her age and the men in her age group aren't showing any interest.

7)  When she has been accused of being over confident, knows too much, or expects too much from young men.

8)  When all she seems to attract is older men.

9)  When she desires things that only a mature, wealthy gentleman can afford to give her.

10)  When she is tired of feeling insecure with young men.

You probably can think of a few more reasons as to why a young woman would be better off with a mature man rather than someone close to her age.  However, keep in mind that no matter the age, all men have their share of issues you just have to make up in your mind what you can tolerate. 

Happy dating!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Thursday

10 Tips on How Do You Know When an Older Man is Uncomfortable Dating, Committing to You

When some older men choose to date younger women, they are apprehensive at first.  These are the men who haven't dated anyone decades younger, because for years they have been preoccupied with their own age group or older.  Their discomfort with dating someone younger is due to many things including not being confident in who they are, nervous about what others might think, fighting feelings of incompatibility or inadequacy, and a host of other emotions.

A young woman might pick up on some signs that an older man may not be sold out on dating her and may call the relationship off before he does.  Here are some reasons that would make any woman (young or old) not want to continue dating a man insecure about the age gap. 

1.  He doesn't mention bringing you around family or friends.

Repeated conversations might have come up about family and friends yet he doesn't take you anywhere around these people.  He might make promises to meet them one day, but somehow he finds a way to get out of making arrangements.

2.  He avoids planning outings where you are both seen together by those he knows.

He knows how his favorite relatives and friends are going to react so to save himself and you the embarrassment he just doesn't find meeting them important at this time.  Some men know they are not yet over exes and may be exposed on their lies, so rather than risk their young dates disconnecting from them, they will keep the keys to the truth hidden in this case people who know them well, family.

3.  He prefers taking you to places that appear out of the way, distant.

Does your partner have something to hide?  Bring up places you like to go repeatedly.  Don't be shut down by his suggestions.  If he doesn't make room for your input now, what makes you think he will later?  You have a right to a good time with anyone you choose not to a hidden romance with possibly a controlling and manipulative person.  So find out what is his reasons for putting off all your suggestions to visit together certain areas.

4.  He often talks about how young you are.

Run.  His view isn't going to change when you are 30 plus and active and he is 50 plus slowing down and not so active.  He knows he shouldn't have opened that door up to a younger woman and most likely people around him are telling him he needs to find women his own age.

5.  During disputes he comments, "You are stupid, act like child...why do I bother dating girls?"

Once again, he wanted to date you and now he complains about you.  No one has time to diagnose a head case.  Of course, you are going to act young, because your are YOUNG.  And the opposite of young is old.  He ought to act his age and stop with the name-calling.  Say bye, Felicia!

6.  He appears nervous and uncomfortable when you speak to others in his presence.

Is he worried that you might sound immature to his circle?  Is he concerned you might talk too much?  Is he ashamed of how much more intelligent you might be compared to him?  Now how long is his negative demeanor supposed to last?  Don't hold up your life for the man who doesn't feel comfortable in your presence--move on.

7.  He acts confused, even rude, when you explain to him what your age group likes.

Of course he can't relate to a person 10 plus years younger if he doesn't bother reading or watching anything you and your group finds interesting.  He is clueless!  His age really begins to show when he starts talking about things from back in the day that you can't wrap your head around.  Unless you and he are willing to find common ground, there will be none in personal interests, business, parenting, etc.  Take a moment and research what it was like for him growing up, being a young man, and what he did during the age you are right now, you will learn a lot about why he carries the views he has about women, sex, communication, lifestyle, and more.

8.  He often says things like, "You need to grow up!  Are you wearing that?" it's as if he is pressuring you to act and dress older.

Once again he is showing just how much he is not on board with the age gap relationship.  Rather than accepting it, he turns it into a father daughter connection. Ugh!  Can we say, controlling!?

9.  He starts to talk negatively about marriage and family and how much of a burden you and other people, places and things in his life are, we have a problem, Houston.

There is a lot said when nothing is said.  Maybe he hasn't verbalized anything but his gradual disinterest says it all.  Yet, if he has shared some mean-spirited comments about everything from who you are to parenting practices, it is safe to say he wants out.  Some men should have never even entertained the thought of marriage and children for themselves--they are ill-equipped emotionally and physically.  Not every man or woman is meant to be married and have children especially when they have a history of not wanting to be either/or. 

Look back on the months and years being with the older man and you will see just how much he has changed.  If he is a better person as a result of the marriage and family planning, bravo!  But if he is nit-picking, complaining, and placing blame on you as well as other women including his own mother, time to redirect your attention to greener pasture.  Men like this only get older and grumpier about their life choices.

10.  He has made it plain that he doesn't like or love you for any number of reasons he has came up with and none has anything to do with the fact that he is older.

Of course, he has to find everything that is wrong with you and not him.  He has to run from the fact that he had no business dating/marrying you in the first place.  Most likely he was forewarned by loved ones early on that most age gap relationships don't last.  They questioned him, "What do you want with that young woman?"  And we all know what many older, single men or newly divorced ones want other than friendship, sex and to relive those days when they had a crush--aww, not!  You weren't put on this planet to be anyone's temporal fantasy.  So you awaken to the truth and most likely you slammed the older man with something like, "There is more to me...You are just using me since you want to say all I want is your money...well that isn't all I want...I want more out of life!  And it would have been nice to be with someone who genuinely loved me and treated me with respect.  I am not responsible for your insecurities when it comes to dating or being with young women.  Get over yourself and be the kind of man you claim to be!"

When he met you young woman, he knew you didn't have as much money as he, may not have owned or drove a fancy car, lived with roommates or alone, had debt possibly up to your eyeballs, yet you looked very attractive--far more better looking than other women he dated and youthful too.  So he didn't want to pass up the opportunity when you gave it to him.  Now he has second thoughts, third thoughts, and whatever other doubts about being with you.  It is what it is, right?  Now the ball is in your court, what to do?  I think you know the answer to that question.

Here's to a successful future!

Nicholl McGuire

  

Wednesday

Bad Men You Should Avoid Like a Plague

Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame.  In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop. 

Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make.  For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them.  

The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask.  Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriends and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power.  Others may have stayed so long with their troubled men because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s fathers over issues they felt could have been resolved.  Still many women feel they can change men even though we know otherwise.  

As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse.  These strategies simply will never work for some men.  There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change.  She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”

The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.”  She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend.  Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay.  If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically abusive.  They most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.

The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies.  He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them.  Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all.  Actions you may want to consider are the following:  Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof.  Stop taking his lying lightly.  Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer.  If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good.  Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings.  You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.

The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex.  He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets.  He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete.  He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new.  Look out for this repetitious pattern.  

The Player may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Notice the changes in his demeanor and conversation compared to how he behaved before you suspected something.  

Another pattern he may create is choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and tending to "it" faithfully. What you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from his "class" on some nights.  Watch his reaction.  There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some "time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.”  All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together.  

Think about this, when you suggest new places to visit, does he find an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar rather than trying a new spot?  This behavior could be occurring to keep you from running into the other woman or women.  He finds a way, any way, to travel to places without you.  He regularly uses an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.”  

Be careful family and friends will cover for him.  He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women.  He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it may be password protected.  You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation.  In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet.  This is baggage you don’t need.

The Thief – He has been around when things go missing.  At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them.  Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items.  It is time to come up with a plan, set him up.  The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy.  Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.

The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally.  From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly.  Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about.  This man is dangerous.  He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty.  You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?

The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right.  He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him.  In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse.  Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him.  You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically.  You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change.  Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing.  There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men.  There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He.

The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet.  During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located.  When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!)  He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10.  Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him.  Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not.  

The Mooch displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you.  If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows.  You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you.  For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you.  Put a limit on how often he drives your car.  Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you.  Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.)  If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.

The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs?  Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward?  Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior?  If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways.  If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.

This small sample of men you are better off without in your life is nothing compared to all the other ones who are out there that you just might recognize immediately and kick to the curb.  Do take a moment to check out my book and I wish you well, Ladies!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and manages Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, the blog named after the book.
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