Saturday

Disgruntled Ex, Unhappy Dating Younger, Older

They don't like it, they despise it, exes angry that their former partners have moved on with someone younger.  They thought that the marriage or relationship was going to last, "meant to be" and then things changed.  Now exes are disgruntled, jealous, and even plotting revenge!  How does someone in an age gap relationship handle an ex along with the family members and mutual friends who support him or her?

You will need to make it clear you are no longer interested in a relationship with an ex.  Some people just don't give up easy, so they will beg, plead, or even make a nuisance of themselves with "Remember when..." stories and "You know you still love me" types of phrases.  Yet, the truth is you want to get as far away from an ex as possible, right?  If not, don't play mind games with your current partner or else you lose.  For example, young, attractive women know they can replace older partners with ease. If an older man is still in love with an ex or is still caught up with an ex's sweet words and other niceties, then he needs to take the time to figure out his situation alone and disconnect from a current partner until he knows what he wants to do.  Stringing anyone along who you are unsure of while masking true feelings will cause much stress for the both of you.

Distance yourself emotionally and physically from exes.  This takes time but it can be done.  Don't discuss your personal life, decisions, or future with an ex.  He or she is really not your friend no matter how much you both might say you are.  What usually happens is a line or boundary you or an ex established is crossed sooner or later and when this happens whether a former partner was cross with you or flirtatious, you will experience guilty feelings, anger, and most likely will take your suppressed emotions out on your current partner.  Your unsuspecting and confused partner will not understand what is going on with you and your behavior just might lead to a major falling out or worse break up.

The phone conversations, invites to a meal, special events, and more cause unnecessary drama for new couples when exes are still around.  When you have children with an ex, you can still remain respectful but distant by not sharing details about your new life no matter how nosey or so called "caring" your ex is about you.  Oftentimes people use children as an excuse to keep an ex close or keep some kind of control over them.  Don't fall for the manipulation, rise above it and consult with an attorney or law enforcement if your ex is acting abusively or threatening to you or your new partner.

A new partner is only able to tolerate so much from a former partner or many.  You shouldn't expect him or her to be understanding when you still have unresolved issues with an ex or exes.  Always take care of your problems before you enter a new relationship and manage them while you are in one.  New relationships are challenging enough and the last thing anyone wants is a disgruntled, miserable, seductive, or vengeful ex around.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy.  Get your copy today!

Wednesday

Feeling Guilty About Dating Someone Younger, Older?

You were okay with the idea of dating someone older or younger until someone said something unflattering, you noticed stares from others, or your partner acted in a way that made you think, "What am I doing?"  You press forward dating the special someone anyway hoping that feelings of doubt, guilt, or worry will just go, but they don't.  You distract yourself from thinking negatively.  You look for the good in your connection.  You try real hard to make things work, but to no avail.  Ready to call it quits?

Feeling guilty about dating someone half your age or more or less is something that occurs when your dating out of the range that you are used to.  It's new, different and not everyone approves.  People have their share of hang-ups about getting older along with what they should and shouldn't do at certain ages so it isn't any surprise that someone or a group is giving you some flack about your choice in a partner.  But it's okay, you will survive the criticism.  If you really want to go all the way with the pretty young lady or mature gentleman, you will do it whether others like it or not.  Yet, if your personal concerns are getting the best of you lately, then you might as well talk about them with your companion and a therapist or counselor.  The last thing you want to do is one day commit to someone that you are really unsure about.

For older men they have their share of challenges about dating younger for obvious reasons that range from maturity level to health woes.  Then of course younger women are concerned about dating older men when they still very much value what others think, desire a family, and may not feel all that attracted to them as their partners age.  So there are those personal thoughts to consider, but above them all one must think, "Is this what I really want or am I just settling, trying a new experience until someone better comes along?"

Weigh in on your feelings and harness what is starting to make you feel so bad.  Could you be doing or saying something that makes you or your date feel awful about being together?  Are there unresolved issues of the past that are affecting your current relationship?  Does this person make you feel like you are dating a relative?  Ugh.  Whatever the issue might be, only you know what you can tolerate. 

Feeling a steady increase of guilt is a warning sign you just might need to slow down and avoid dating young or old.  You also might want to reconsider who you are confiding in about your relationship.  There are plenty of people who have their personal issues about age gap relationships while others are jealous and can only wish to attract a successful date or gorgeous young woman.  If you find that there is simply too much negativity coming from family, friends and others, you will need to spend some time away from them, sort out your feelings, and then make a decision whether the person you are with is really worth all the upset.  Once you know what you sincerely want, you introduce your partner to loved ones while making it clear how special he or she is to you.  When you take the relationship seriously, others will at the very least recognize that you deeply care for your companion and will back off if they want to keep a positive connection with you.

Don't allow guilt to get in the way of a potentially great relationship!

Nicholl McGuire

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