An often busy father, who is
emotionally unavailable and who doesn’t bother to figure out his
own issues in life, recreates another unhappy mini-me. Most likely,
his own father wasn’t there for him, so somehow in his mind he
reasons, “It’s okay;” therefore, he repeats the cycle. No
communication plus no affection equals no relationship--it’s just
that simple! Children need the attention and affection of both
parents. Otherwise, they go through life seeking fulfillment in
things like: sex, a baby, a partner, religion or something else. A
child turned adult who still desires a relationship with a certain
parent tends to make unwise decisions centered on those unfulfilled
needs. In time, he or she is abusing substances to fill the void while
having many regrets.
An older man dating a younger woman is
not expected to be everything to a younger woman and shouldn’t put
himself in that position either. Some older men falsely assume that
if they give their younger partners everything they want that the
relationship will be okay. Unfortunately, things without human
affection and communication do nothing more than impede progress.
Rather than focusing on two human beings building a relationship
together, the couple are talking or arguing about selfish needs and
wants, “I need for you to be...I want you to do...Why can't I get
you to see...?”
An older man must recognize the needs
of a younger woman, but at the same time refrain from being a father
figure to her. Even if she says, “You act like my dad…” be
sure that you are not purposely performing like her dad, because you
might believe you are helping out the little girl within. The little
girl remains inside the younger woman as long as she continues to
nurture her and give her everything that she never had; however, that
little girl can also turn into a spoiled girl who lacks self-control,
discipline, and just might cause a firestorm of problems in the
relationship if left un-checked.
The younger woman has to come to a
point in her life to let the little girl go. She will be much
happier if she doesn’t keep reliving the past through people,
places and things. She may even have to go so far as to make peace
with the fact that her father is not ever going to look at the
mistakes he has made over the years, make peace with her, and do
what’s right for the remaining part of his life. It’s
unfortunate, but some men will never change no matter how much you do
or not do for them.
An older man must be wise when
relating to the fatherless younger woman and not only listen, but
address his younger partner’s concerns while reminding her, “I’m
not your dad. I love you and will do the best I can to help you, but
remember I am not your dad.”
There are some older men that have many
issues that they are grappling with because they too have a little
person within who desires a mother or father’s attention. Some
mature men have a history of dating older women because they wanted a
mother figure, because they lacked a relationship with their own
mothers. Some date younger because they want to do all the things
they didn’t get to do when they were in their youth. These men
falsely assume that tapping into the fountain of youth, so to speak,
will make them feel good about living. They learn quickly that no
matter who they date, young or old, rich or poor, no one can give the
little boy within them peace. They too must learn to let go of their
boyish desires and focus on being the man that they were destined to
be.
Letting go of the little girl or little
boy within us is something that most people who become adults don’t
realize they are feeding until they go through a series of
relationship trials. Eventually those, who have learned the hard
way, reach a conclusion that something within them is very much
wrong. The little person inside could be any of the following:
often dissatisfied in personal and professional relationships,
emotionally detached, angry, bitter, jealous, or having some other
emotional issue. If anyone of these issues describe you, you might
want to start a process of cleansing one’s closet of emotions
beginning with taking down all those childhood things that you might
have displayed around your room, office and elsewhere. Reminding
yourself daily about your childhood will not help you grow; rather,
you will find that you are not permitting yourself to mature because
you fear you might lose something if you should let go of your little
person within. There is no guarantee that you will start to feel
okay as you embark on this journey to free yourself childhood woes,
but it is a start.
You and that one you are with will also
have to stop looking back. For example, your young partner might
think that going back home to mom and dad will bring peace when times
are rough, but most often it doesn’t; rather the young woman only
feeds the little girl she is supposed to be ridding herself of. It
is rare that people change. Rather than experiencing true freedom,
the young woman finds herself opening up old wounds the longer she
stays with parents. If you no longer have your parents, but
inherited a host of emotional issues, you might consider letting go
of relics, keepsakes and other mementos that are not aiding you
emotionally or physically. Sometimes things we hold on to of others
only set us back. Somehow we feel like we must take responsibility
for all that comes with those things.
If you have a faith, you know you are
called to be free not to be burdened by others’ issues. So if a
person, place or thing doesn’t help you, say goodbye. Another
thing you or your loved one might want to consider is limiting phone
calls when it comes to connecting with those who have hurt you in the
past and have no interest in changing either ie.) parents, relatives
and childhood friends. Those who are closest to you can hinder you
emotionally, spiritually etc. and eventually impact your relationship
negatively. It is very hard to let go of that little person within
if you keep permitting her or him to call a critical relative or
friend every time an issue comes up in your relationship, at work,
church, or elsewhere. Is it really necessary to get parents
involved? Does your sibling really care about who you are with and
whether you two make it?
Finally, think about all those things
that you wear, say, and do that have a direct connection to
childhood. From gaming devices to dolls, the more you collect,
whether for yourself or through a child, the more you keep the little
girl and boy within alive. When childhood desires affect your
well-being, your personal relationships, and other important areas of
your life, you have to say, “I love you little girl/boy inside of
me, but it is time for us to part our ways. I give you to the
Almighty Creator and in his arms you will be safe.” Visualize a
picture of yourself from childhood being placed in the arms of your
creator and he/she ascending to heaven. At first, your little person
within will be happy to be free from miserable you, but he/she might
find a way to come back if you continue to do the things that keep
him/her close to you.
To some, you might find the little girl
or little boy concept a bit strange, but I can assure you that it is
what affects many relationships and prevents them from growing. Who
wants to be with a grown man who has boyish issues or who wants to be
with a grown woman who still has little girl daddy woes? Start the
journey and let the little people within go so that you can have a
healthy, functional relationship!
Nicholl McGuire recorded her thoughts on the Sugar Baby, Sugar Daddy relationship and shares insight here.
