Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: dating older guys

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Wednesday

So Who's the Old Guy? Personal Experience Dating Older Men

I was that relative showing up at the holiday event with the old guy, seen walking with the old guy, and at the club with the old guy years ago. So, the family didn't like that too much. "Why are you with that older man? You are too young for him. What do you see in him? What does he see in you? Oh, you got daddy issues!" Wow! Thanks so much fam, for the support!

It wasn't that the old guy or guys (there was more than one) were seniors who were leaned over in walkers, farting, and scratching their rears! They were in their 40s (one in his 50s), professionals, dressed well, and had all their senses about them. I was in my 20s at the time and yes, a head-turner.

I liked dating those guys, I liked their presence, the way they moved. They were mature, kind, generous, and took their time about things. They weren't in a rush to do everything under the sun, they weren't silly men, and they weren't ugly. They were friendly and I liked friendly. I talked to just about anyone at that time in my life. I like good conversation, so hey, they were around, I was around and so let's get the party started! But that was then....

What have I learned since then when one brings the old guy here there and everywhere? Your family has a point. You weren't expecting that, huh? Do you really know the older guy and what exactly he wants with you? Do you truly understand what might the future hold if you should get pregnant, get married, and how deep the rabbit hole goes with his past? Can you handle all of what comes with him or many hims in your 20s? Looking back, had those men not shielded me from their demons, the answer would be, "No!" They gave me the g-rated version of themselves because simply put, they were involved with me for a good time. I wasn't the future. I was in the meantime. Let me say that again, in the meantime!

What I discovered in our talks was that there was a wife, a mistress, ex-girlfriends, and women who had been in their lives who had only wanted friendship and so those ladies got away without giving them a single kiss. I would later discover for good reasons. Those friendly, older men didn't want to be faithful, they didn't want to spend money, they didn't want children, they didn't want to be honest with themselves much less anyone else, they didn't want to be going places, all they really wanted was a "I want it now" experience!

Well, I was in my 20s (young, dumb, and full of...) and I too just wanted an "in the meantime" experience, because the truth was, I really didn't know exactly what I wanted in a relationship. It just seemed fun shrouding my mind with mystery about Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, and Mike--lol and I didn’t think I was "Poison" at the time. I mean that girl might be “poison,” because you couldn't get the upper hand on her and you and the crew couldn’t do her, but I digress.

I just liked being in the moment and guessing what was behind door number 3 back in the 90s when issues with these "old fools" would arise as my family would put it. Ignoring all red flag warning signs, operating on cruise control, I saw that their traffic was showing up in my life, uh oh, turn off cruise control to avoid a wreck! My turning off cruise control was just not calling back, no longer accepting invites, declining gifts, and moving on to the next one who might be better than the last.

I wasn't interested in learning the answer to "why" I dated older in my youth, I just liked doing it until I didn't. I started connecting the dots much later in life. Since then, I wrote Say Goodbye to Dad, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, and Laboring to Love Myself for good reasons. I began to connect with my spiritual self and realized the importance of having a faith and why it is crucial early on in life to maintain it so that one isn't here, there, and everywhere--no matter the age!

So, who really was the old guy or guys who were either invited or randomly showing up in my life? They were extensions of an old me, who wanted to become a new me, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it between all the distractions.

Upon closer inspection of these older men and what they had going on or not, they represented what I wanted for me! I wanted a car back then, but I had no driver's license, so they were all-too willing to drive me. But that's not what I needed--I needed a teacher. I wanted money, lots of it, and they were willing to buy me a dinner here and a movie ticket there, but they weren't going to pay my bills. What I needed was a career coach. They were creative and some were handy. Nice compliments to my lifestyle, but it didn't hurt to learn a trade or two so I could fix my own stuff.

A couple of older men already had families that they were supposedly responsible for (so why be out in those streets)? I didn't need to involve myself in their family dramas, I just needed to continue to read about marriage and family in the quiet of my place.

You see, the dating older, at least for me, was much deeper than it appeared to be. I hadn't put it altogether at that time in my life because I simply didn't know what was happening with me or them. Then I also learned they were having a mid-life crisis even though they wouldn't dare say so. They were still trying to figure out what they wanted at that time in their lives; oftentimes they weren't all that happy about where they were in life. I was somehow a vision/fantasy/a goal of what they had yet to accomplish in life or in some cases they had not come to terms with their youthful passions were officially over.

My youth was still very much alive and thriving and that’s what those older guys back then wanted for themselves again. One said, "I made him feel alive again..." Another one said, "I feel like I am back in high school again." Another guy said, "I'll leave my wife for you!" What!? My energy was what they remembered from yesteryear. My drive to win at whatever I was doing professionally made them feel like they could do some things differently in their lives including a few pursuing other careers and making more money based on my suggestions. They lived vicariously through me when I performed (I had my own poetry group and I acted part-time). I talked about what my next moves were back in college including moving out of state to pursue a career in journalism, and why I enjoyed what I did at the time. So, I was not only "cute, beautiful, gorgeous, energetic, fun, cool to be around," they would say, but I had a lot going on in my young life.

So, the next time you or someone you know starts that conversation with, "Who's the old guy?" Just say, "He's a part of me in the meantime." If they don't get it, no need to explain. Looking back at young me and giving her a bit of advice, I wouldn't say why are you dating these old guys, rather I would say, "Let's get this guy to either teach you how to drive or pay for lessons. Let's get that other guy to hook you up with some names and numbers to help you get a better job. And your other friend, well girlfriend, don't continue to befriend him, he already got what you are trying to get one day, marriage and family. Don’t waste your time with people seeking vain pursuits!"

When you discover that the old guy is you, it's time to rediscover who exactly you want to become by putting off the old guy and putting on the new you!

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and contributor to this blog. Learn more here.

Friday

The Wise Older Men Who will Not be Played by Youth and Beauty

Around the globe, there are many older men, whether immature or not, who date younger women, but for the wise man, he is not like other men, who may be older by number, yet still have much growing up to do.

Experienced and mature, the older, single man refuses to be misled by a wayward young woman who knows little about him or respects his life experiences. The unwise and immature woman assumes she knows him, because her father, uncle, male co-worker and ex-boyfriend are older. She may have been spoiled or not by the men in her life. She may have envisioned what her ideal younger Mr. Right might be, yet learned the hard way that he simply doesn't exist. She may have a list of 20 plus things she wants from a man, based on her conversations with older women, and still hasn't scored big. The young lady may have deceptive plans to get her needs met by any means necessary.

After learning of a young woman's ill intentions, the mature man will not be so kind, no matter how beautiful. He is aware of the youthful one who fakes interest in him just so that she can fulfill a void or worse get close to his connections, material assets or other more attractive things.

These charming young women, who unfortunately do manipulative things, will eventually "need space, want to break up" when they have had enough of the older man's resistance and wise observations. The mature man just might drive the poor girl out of his life, because he has seen that type before!

When we think of those abusive older men, who were quite cruel, to young women, we may have overlooked their reasons as to why they behaved so harshly. Of course, it is not ever acceptable to abuse anyone, but what might have triggered some abusive older men to behave so disrespectfully with younger women? For some men, they realized that what they did in their youth to others, came back around full circle and they hated their younger partners for it! The idea that someone so beautiful, friendly, and considerate could so easily and effortlessly hurt them is too much too deal with for some disturbed men, so they go off mentally and/or physically! The older men, who are known abusers, are dangerous and will not tolerate younger women lying, stealing, cheating, or doing any other things to hurt them whether justified or not.

Now the more self-controlled older man, wise in his ways, he will be strategic in what he does to learn more about the young woman who he might suspect has her share of motives for agreeing to date him. He will not be so easily charmed into believing that the woman is in like or love with him. He realizes that there is a significant age difference and so with that he will have many questions and would want very much to find out, "Why me? What does she like about me? What does she really want from me?" He has every right to question what is it about this young lady that she is drawn to concerning him especially when most young women wouldn't even look twice at him much less accept his advances.

At the start of the relationship, it will seem too good to be true. That's because it probably is! Whether the young lady knows that she has her share of personal issues or not concerning dating older men, for the logical-minded man, he knows that one day she will awake to a harsh truth, her personal reality, that someone or something was absent in her life and that the older man who is in her life now is there to fulfill that void. For the sake of her beauty, attention and warm affection, the older man, whether wise or not, just might accept his role, but in the back of his mind he knows the truth.

When dating the younger woman, the wise older man is not going to be too concerned about the challenges he faces while dating her, because as a man, most people are not going to approach him with, "Why are you dating her?" They know better. He also knows that he has more life experience so he knows that he can provide some value to her life. What may bother him in time, however, is what can the young woman really do for him? Is she an added benefit to his life or a burden? He may be tempted to "train" her into a role that she may or may not be willing to accept. During the early part of the relationship, she may be resistant to his requests and strategies. Unfortunately, she might view what he is suggesting/advising/arguing about as being controlling.

Many challenges might arise in the May-December romance, but ultimately what is to be learned is that the wise older man is not easily charmed by the youth and beauty of a woman.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and contributor and author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues

The Isolated, Controlled Young Victim (Woman)

She didn’t realize she had isolated herself from family and friends until she stopped hearing the phone ring.

The older gentlemen didn’t fully comprehend what he had done when he told his Significant Younger Other things like: “Stay home with me sometime…”, “You go out too much,” “Miss you,” “Can’t get enough of you…” When the young woman dismissed what he had said, questioned, or ignored his concerns, he punished her with silent treatment for weeks. He understood somewhat that his guilt-tripping her was upsetting. However, he felt justified in doing so because he didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when she was gone away. Further, he didn’t like her reasons for wanting to enjoy herself without him periodically.

In time, she learned how to do what he wanted to “keep the peace,” “to keep him from giving her the cold shoulder,” and “to get along, because the stress wasn’t worth it.” The victim believed she was compromising and building a healthy relationship, but was she?

The controlling man had won! Although at times the victim felt alone, confused, and didn’t feel like she could do anything right, she shrugged her emotions off. The concerns about her leaving grew into other issues the older man felt he needed to manage. He wanted her to be more generous with her finances. Then the abuser expected her to meet household needs like: grocery shopping and cleaning. While his demands increased, her self-esteem decreased.

Isolation keeps others from knowing exactly what is going on in one’s relationship. A victim learns to grow dependent on her controller and less independent. Insecure abusers, who also have low self-esteem, feel a sense of importance when they are able to manipulate their victims into giving up their freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

10 Reasons Why Dating a Mature Gentleman Might Be Good for You

A woman doesn't always want someone who is her own age or younger, there are men out there who are mature, have great personalities and are emotionally, physically and spiritually stable. If your experiences with dates have been subpar, you can't seem to connect with men your own age, then why not consider dating someone 10, 15 or 20 plus years older? So when does a woman know when dating a mature gentleman is indeed right for her?

1) When she has had more than enough failed attempts at dating men in her age group.

2) When she has found that she is the one spending more money and time on men who simply are all looks and no go.

3) When she has been told repeatedly that she acts older, wise, or mature for her age, but the partners she picks are immature or too young for her.

4) When she has seen far too many connections around her lead to break ups, separation or divorce. She might learn a few things from experienced widows who stuck it out with their wives for over 20 plus years.

5) When she knows that she isn't the least bit attractive to young men.

6) When she can clearly see in the mirror that she looks older for her age and the men in her age group aren't showing any interest.

7) When she has been accused of being over confident, knows too much, or expects too much from young men.

8) When all she seems to attract is older men.

9) When she desires things that only a mature, wealthy gentleman can afford to give her.

10) When she is tired of feeling insecure with young men.

You probably can think of a few more reasons as to why a young woman would be better off with a mature man rather than someone close to her age. However, keep in mind that no matter the age, all men have their share of issues you just have to make up in your mind what you can tolerate.

Happy dating!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.