Women always say, “I didn’t know
he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around
them shame. In some cases they really
weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew
well in advance they just hoped he would stop.
Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other
name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make. For some, they truly had no idea their
boyfriend meant bad news for them.
The
ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?”
continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you
ask. Some women may have found out about
their problem boyfriends and stayed because of love, status, money and/or
power. Others may have stayed so long with their troubled men because
they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s fathers over
issues they felt could have been resolved.
Still many women feel they can change men even though we know otherwise.
As long as women continue to believe that the
power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other
strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject
themselves to mental and physical abuse.
These strategies simply will never work for some men. There comes a time when women will have to
get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to
change. She will have to stand up
carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the
relationship now.”
The following advice is written
for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.” She may be struggling with whether she is
ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a
friend. Although the best advice is not
to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be
those women who will still stay. If
those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of
many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically abusive. They most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and
their children.
The Liar – In the beginning of
the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies. He had what seemed like convincing excuses;
therefore you let him get away with them.
Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not
at all. Actions you may want to consider
are the following: Approach him not only
with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof. Stop taking his lying lightly. Let him know that this behavior you will not
accept any longer. If he chooses to
continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good. Once you have made a decision that you are
leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell
phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on
hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts,
thoughts and feelings. You must not
leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over
time.
The Player also known as The Pimp
– This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite
sex. He will use cell phone, email, your
house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets. He will leave a trail of evidence whether it
is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number
without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts,
read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete. He begins to create a pattern in his actions
when you have become old and someone else becomes new. Look out for this repetitious pattern.
The Player may develop his pattern after work on a
daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes
home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not
at all. Notice the changes in his demeanor and conversation compared to how he behaved before you suspected something.
Another pattern he may create is choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and tending to "it" faithfully. What you can do to find out if he is sincere is
offer to pick him up from his "class" on some nights. Watch his reaction. There may also be the weekend pattern of
always “needing to get away, have some "time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.” All the while making little or no time for
the two of you to go out and be seen together.
Think about this, when you suggest new places to visit, does he find an excuse to take you to
the same area you both are familiar rather than trying a new spot? This behavior could be occurring to keep you from running into the other woman
or women. He finds a way, any way, to
travel to places without you. He regularly uses an excuse such as “I’m going to my
mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of
Frank.”
Be careful family and friends
will cover for him. He will call you, at
times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the
proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women. He is protective of his cell phone and his
computer; if you tried to check either it may be password protected. You may want to consider whether having to
worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation. In time, you will become insecure, angry for
no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you
meet. This is baggage you don’t need.
The Thief – He has been around
when things go missing. At first you
didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed
someone else for taking them. Yet, you
have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off
with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash
sitting around, and other important items.
It is time to come up with a plan, set him up. The kind of plan you come up with can’t be
easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to
be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is
trustworthy. Time is money and the
longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.
The Hustler – He is always
thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally. From identity theft to standing on the street
corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living
lavishly. Now you may think that what he
has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the
matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you
wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about. This man is dangerous. He has enemies and one day some one will catch
up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight
won’t be pretty. You must ask yourself
this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around
you in danger?
The Abuser/Controller – You can
never do anything right. He is often
critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he
wants you to stop living your world to be with him. In the beginning of the relationship, you
justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse. Whether he is physically ill, illiterate,
disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain
how you feel about him to him. You may
have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or
physically. You may have told yourself
that things will get better and he is making an effort to change. Well that is good if he is sincere about
becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living
with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking,
punching, and grabbing. There are no
rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men. There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible
and you are not He.
The Mooch – You have invited him
once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet. During inopportune times, he says he needs to
stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you
are located. When he offers to take you
out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the
fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time
lobster!) He drives your car and doesn’t
fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a
measly $5 or $10. Holidays come and go
with very little if any acknowledgement from him. Yet, you bought him (and possibly his
relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not.
The Mooch displays affection, says all the right
things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from
you. If you choose to continue a
relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows. You could stop being so generous and treat
him how he treats you. For example, when
you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you. Put a limit on how often he drives your
car. Avoid helping him when he is in a
bind since you know he won’t help you.
Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated
with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother,
sister or brother.) If he begins to see
you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate
you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away
from you without you having to break up with him.
The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many
times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs? Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed
afterward? Are most of the relationship
problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior? If so, then you will have to consider whether
or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with
him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention
for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all
been affected by his negative ways. If
he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him
alone.
This small sample of men you are better off without in your life is nothing compared to all the other ones who are out there that you just might recognize immediately and kick to the curb. Do take a moment to check out my book and I wish you well, Ladies!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and manages Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, the blog named after the book.
