Married, Children and Work - When the Mature Man Just Wants Fun

I didn't know at 20 years old when the older gentleman approached me that he had a wife, children, and other responsibilities until I walked into his office and noticed the photo behind him.  We weren't at his workplace to talk business, we were planning a date.  I had no conscious, compassion or anything about marriage, children or anything related, because I just thought, "He's cute for an older guy."

You would have thought that at the moment I saw the photograph I would have backed off, politely excused myself and moved on, but I didn't.  He noticed I was checking out the family photo, so he took it off the shelf and talked about what appeared to be a happy group.  Since he had been out of state for months, he missed them, but he also wanted to have a good time.

I didn't give the man any sex, despite his alluding to it, but what I did give him was laughter.  The smile that came on his face as we strolled a park was priceless!  The 40 plus year old was enjoying the company of a 20 year old and neither one of us even bothered to talk about age.

Of course, my conscious began to catch up with me a few days later.  I started to think, "What if I was his wife in that photo?  And he has children...What if my dad was like that?"  Cold chills came over me.  The gentleman called me again requesting I hang out with him, but I politely declined.

Fast forward to present day, over 20 years later I now have a family of my own and I recognize that sometimes life can get quite boring.  I realized that there are men and women who just get tired of partners, children, and work--I have been there.  But we have choices and there are consequences to every decision we make.

I have observed and listened to men who just felt trapped in marriages, jobs and more.  Their loveless relationships produced children that they really didn't want.  They worked jobs they hated.  Their spouses were giving them a hard time about looking externally for happiness.  But sometimes you ask yourself, "When is it my turn to live a little?"  I personally think there is nothing wrong with wanting to do some things you always wanted to do with your life within reason.  Does it have to be about flings, fast cars and other typical things that midlife men in crisis desire?

I think there is far too much programming out there to subliminally lure married men as well as the committed retired to do the unthinkable because there is a lot of money to gain from this group who have spent decades saving money and want any excuse to dip in their investments.  Sports cars are pricey, juggling more than one woman will result in increase revenue for entertainment spots, travel, and also a trip to divorce court, and more. 

Women who enable the men who want some "fun" will also pay sooner or later mentally, spiritually and physically (because hot looks do go away especially when there's lots of relationship stress and yes, I was cheated on in the past).  The married man tired of his current family may end up with yet another family that makes him even more miserable. 

Being idle, creating fantasies in one's mind, and flirting with trouble will cause problems for all parties in one's quest to have a little fun.  Consider doing some productive things that will keep you out of trouble while appeasing the need within to live a little.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.   

Sex with a Married Man

Charmed into Dating Still Married, Older Guys

They can be incredibly nice, sophisticated, handsome seniors who know how to talk the talk and walk the walk.  It doesn't matter to these guys that they are in troubled marriages, married living separately, getting a divorce or the divorce is still pending, or even happily married, these older Don Juan types know how to talk a young woman's panties off while leaving her wanting for more!

But what about the fact he is married?  And what about all the drama that comes with being involved with married men or is there any?  Some older guys will keep the drama away while they play.  They will tell the wife they are just doing things like:  visiting friends, working late, working out, hanging out with friends, or spending time at a favorite place, but the reality is these married men are seeking either something new in the meantime or a replacement. 

The young woman, who just might be in a miserable relationship of her own, doesn't care much that the older man, who has a way with words, is married, but then again the thought just might cross her mind that to date him is wrong.  Yet, the way the man makes her feel means more than what's right or wrong particularly if she hasn't felt alive with a partner in years!  The broken woman, who is in the process of or has divorced her husband doesn't contemplate too much about the married man's status either especially if he is generous with his money.  Then there are those young women, who like the Don Juan, may have a complicated personal life, but they too would like to play while keeping the drama of current or old boyfriends away.  The charmer studies the one he has charmed to see how strong she is morally before planting seeds of getting together one day.

For some of these married men, who enjoy talking to and sexing young women, they aren't much on thinking too deeply about the future.  They don't bother to think about the many problems that come with being a cheat.  Families are often left destroyed, young women can and will get pregnant eventually, wives might want to reconcile, children misbehave as a result of tension at home, and so on.  Meanwhile, the pretty young woman sits back and listens to the words of someone who just might be her worst nightmare.

If you are being pursued by an unavailable man, play out his personal life in your head based on what he has told you as well as what you can see with your own two eyes before risking possibly your life or his. Some wives just don't take marital vows lightly and may not exhibit self-control if they should find out their husbands are cheating.  Once you know that dating a married man isn't for you, start distancing yourself from him.

Nicholl McGuire
 

No Sugar-Coating the Truth: Married and Dating The Father's Daughter

A parent has every right to be concerned when it comes to his twenty-something daughter being approached by a man his own age or older.  Let's face it, with so many music videos, television series, movies, and other media marketing young, fit, attractive looking women, an older man is going to flirt with the idea of dating a younger woman at some point in his life.

These young women that we see holding hands with rich men, old enough to be their fathers, are daughters.  Somehow something went amiss personally for these young women; therefore, that older partner, who spends time with his young lover, is fulfilling a void or many voids that men her own age just can't do for her.  From a workaholic father to an alcoholic one, the daughter who has grown up with these type of male figures, want to experience love and she just might not care who or what it comes from.  Age and looks mean nothing to a young woman desperate to find love.

Unfortunately for the married, older women, who are working hard to keep their mature partners with them, the competition can be fierce and get quite ugly when one has been jilted by a cheating partner for many years.  The young woman just might find herself in a situation where she will need the help from parents, counselors, and others, because she got in over her head when involving herself with a married man.  

These wayward, married spouses or single men in temporary relationships sometimes find themselves conversing with younger women in the hopes that they find them attractive enough to be more than friends.  When in the presence of a beautiful woman, some men forget about the responsibilities that await them at home.  Finding young women, who actually like these older men, is like a dream come true for them.  An older man might recall his youthful days when a certain type of girl or woman was out of his league, but now that he is successful, he might reason that the risk far outweighs everything else.  "If only I could have her..." he tells himself. 

For some of these young, niave women they become nothing more than prey.  They aren't necessarily wife material.  They aren't emotionally mature for a relationship.  They have little money to handle existing responsibilities much less be a partner's helpmate.  All of which a father knows about his daughters.  These immature youthful women lack understanding on what it truly means to be in a committed relationship.  They are also ill-equipped when it comes to looking beyond self and making sacrifices.  However, when it comes to bedroom experiences and being a mature man's companion, they typically don't fall short.  This is what drives a father and any other male the young woman is connected to crazy!  The thought that an old man is sleeping with their young daughter/niece/cousin creeps some mature men out!  In their minds, they can't imagine sleeping with a young woman.  It isn't any wonder why some older men find it difficult even impossible to have any relationship with a select young woman.  No matter what you say or do, you will never be good enough for a father's daughter especially if your intentions are temporal or with hidden motives.

I must admit in my personal life, I have been influenced by well-meaning family members and friends who wanted nothing but the best for me even if it meant selling one's soul, so to speak.  If more family members would motivate these young daughters to make wiser decisions when it comes to dating, not just for financial reasons, but also for deep, moral convictions, maybe there wouldn't be so many young women making themselves available to older, married men.

Nicholl McGuire



  

Why Married/Unavailable 40 Year Old Men want Younger Women

A List of Older Dating Younger in Entertainment Industry

Recently, Hugh Hefner at 86 gets married to Crystal Harris 26 years, see here.  Despite what we might think the reasoning behind their nuptials, it appears the couple is happy.  Many others in the entertainment industry have done the same.  Check out this list.

A Kiss and A Promise: What The Other Woman Should Know About The Married Man

Whether he is currently with his wife, plans to divorce her, separated from her, or says he doesn’t love her, whatever his issue he is married and there is nothing you can do about it. Now you may say that you could tell her about the affair, send some photos, write an email, or arrange to meet her, but why? It’s not like she will leave him alone, for some women they enjoy the challenge, the fight, and the drama. She is his wife, she is conditioned by the vows she took to be with him in sickness and in health and until death do they part, what vows have you taken to be with him? What support do you have while being in this relationship? Who will defend you when he, she or they have wronged you? No one likes the “other woman,” no one. She isn’t invited to the family meeting when there is a crisis, included in the family events that matter, called when her man is in trouble, or updated on the latest family happenings. This is only the short list of what the typical “other woman” experiences.

Most women never intended to be “the other woman,” she came into the relationship with an open heart and mind, willing to embrace her man’s shortcomings, and socialize with his family whether they liked her or not. However, someone tells her about his past or she finds out about his wife in a way that hurts like a bad cramp in the pit of her stomach. Her world comes crashing down, “he’s married!” It doesn’t matter that he is separated, it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t slept with her since 88…he’s married, she thinks. So she wonders when will he get a divorce, or will he ever get one. She nags, pleads, begs, manipulates, cries, loves and anything else to get this unavailable man to reassure her that everything will be okay, but he doesn’t. Rather, he defends his actions, assumes she already knew, or makes it seem as if it isn’t any big deal.

She has arrived at a crossroads in her life, one where she will walk right to dismiss this unavailable man or left hoping for the day he will marry her. If she chooses to turn left, she will cry many tears, deal with emotional and in some cases physical abuse and never come to the place of peace she so desires. It’s time for the other woman to realize her worth to become number one! She will have to begin taking small steps until her sentences are no longer “we” but “I.” She will begin each day not with “he,” or “him,” but “I!” She will declare, “I will love me whether I have a man or not!” She will plan her life according to the new “I” she has met. When she speaks with family and friends gradually she will remove the “ he” or “him” in her conversations and state the “I.” Those around her will be relieved! Finally, a conversation without discussing “him” or “he,” they will think.

As she realizes what she must do to be in love with “I,” she will need to take the time to evaluate whether this man is serious about a divorce, making false promises to keep her, or is strongly considering on getting back with his wife.

I wrote this article because I have been the wife who knew and didn’t know, the potential other woman, the woman who didn’t know I was the other woman, and the other woman. Get ready to agree to disagree, be offended, or set free from your situation as you continue to read – it’s all up to you.

I experienced my first wake-up call in my early twenties when I was approached by a man who didn’t care that he was married. I say didn’t care, because later I learned that the man I exchanged numbers with was married and he put his sister up to calling me. His reason, because he couldn’t call me at the time he had promised, “he was busy doing something for his wife.” Imagine the shock I must have felt, I asked her, “Why would she agree to contact me knowing her brother was married?” She attempted to assure me that their relationship was ending. I had enough sense in my “terrible twenties” to politely tell her to tell him not to call me anymore. I say terrible twenties, because far too many unavailable men in midlife crisis were approaching me attempting to make my twenties terrible and a few actually succeeded. I told her that she shouldn’t be doing any “favors” for her brother. To that she said, she loved him and wasn’t bothered by what she was doing since she didn’t like his wife. I had learned young that sisters will go to great lengths for their cheating brothers if there is something in it for them. I guess later on her brother owed her a favor.

There were other married men who I would later encounter in person, over the phone and via the Internet and all of them would say the same things “my wife and I are separated, I am filing for a divorce, we can’t get along, she is such a b*tch,” etc. However, they could only make false promises to keep me interested. Their actions regarding their involvement with their wife didn’t provide me with the security I needed that said they were over the “wife from hell.” So I managed to stay clear away from these men for years. Each one of them still communicated with their wives, went out on dates every now and then and some still slept with them, invited the wives to family functions, and most of all, there was never any final paperwork of their divorce settlement. So that’s when it hit me, these men aren’t interested in nothing more than a midlife crisis fling since most who approached me were between 40 and 55 years old. A couple of these conniving men who claimed they were divorced, I did date, and unfortunately learned the hard way that they still had very real feelings for their wives that they simply couldn’t get over. I say learned the hard way, because you tend to learn more about a man the more you give of yourself and I gave far too much of myself, mind, body, money, and time to find out about these “feelings” they still had for their wives. I guess they realized the grass isn’t greener over on the other side and maybe they came to the realization that they really were in some sort of crisis.

I have read stories of men leaving their menopausal wives for younger women only to discover later, after the fun died down, that they should have never left in the first place. Unfortunately, there are those men who learned too late, after they created midlife babies with “the other woman.” For many of them, there is no going back to their wives. So they lean on their children, hoping their existence will make up for the mistakes they made when they left their wife and ease the guilt within. Others don’t even bother to analyze their actions they just, ignore the wife, take the bitter with the sweet, and either stick it out with their younger sweethearts or find yet another young woman to have fun. Then there are those who do return home to their wives only to end up cheating on her yet again since her acceptance told him “it’s okay, I still love you.”

When I questioned other married men, those who were too young for a midlife crisis, on why they were no longer with their wives, they usually answered with, “I fell out of love with her” or “I was bored with her. We grew apart. She was insecure.” They always seemed to place blame on the wife and the only time they would mention taking any accountability for their part in the broken relationship was if their wives caught them in a lie. They may have lied about money, another woman, unemployment, children, or some other issue, so when they couldn’t get around the truth they had to fess up.

Married men have a bad habit of stringing the new women in their lives along. They “kiss and make promises” as one married man told me. Although living separated from his wife for over 18 years and living with “the other woman,” he explained to me that he had never got a divorce because he knew that one day his wife would die and everything that he invested in the relationship would ultimately be his one day (he was speaking of material wealth of course.) He reasoned his actions by asking me, “Why would he marry the woman he was with that had already waited for him for 18 years, she could wait 18 more? That’s why I gave her a kiss and a promise. ” She doted a promise ring for about ten years with no promise of a wedding date. I felt obligated to sound the alarm on this issue of a “kiss and a promise” for those women who think that the married man will divorce his wife of over 10 years plus and then marry you. The likely hood of this happening is slim. There are too many men looking at the financial stakes involved when one has been married for over ten years. Why marry you with nothing, when he can stay married and have something? The choice is ultimately up to you, stay and be miserable as the “other woman” or be with someone who will love and respect you as “the one and only woman.”

Although it takes time for any relationship to come to an end, if you are with a man who is married, separated, or waiting on his divorce to be finalized, consider the following: if he hasn’t done it when he said he will do it, he won’t be doing it, if he is 40 plus and you are ten years younger or more then, most likely you are a product of his midlife crisis, if you don’t have as much or more than his wife to offer financially then he isn’t in any rush to divorce, and most of all if he has children with his wife and none with you, then he may fear what would happen if he does divorce his wife and losing the children is not an option for men who sincerely love their children. There are many other things to consider when dealing with these married men who have not resolved their past issues, including dealing with his family who isn’t interested in accepting you because you are “the other woman” and they rather settle with what is familiar “the wife.”

So to the young women in their twenties and the old women who should know better, I say, listen to that voice who says “he is too old, he is married, he still loves his wife, he and his wife are very good friends” that is all you need to know to make a wise decision, “Run, look the other way, he isn’t my type.” And mean what you say. As for those in it, as someone once told me, “You have a choice.” What’s yours?

By Nicholl McGuire

The Unavailable Man

“What goes around comes around,” so the old saying goes. During my twenties, single and childless days in the 90s, I was approached by many family men. They thought they had it going on with their young wardrobe and lingo. They wanted to show me, who at the time was a hip woman back in the day, what they knew about my generation. I wasn’t necessarily turned on by the gray hair, the age mark here and there, and what I would call the “old man” odor, but I was turned on by their success. I wanted to learn a thing or two from these men, but I definitely didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up anyone’s happy home. These married men were slick back then and so I hear, the game hasn’t changed much. Taking off their rings, silencing their pagers and offering to take me to places far away from the city these were just a few things I experienced with older married men, I was still young so I had yet to learn the game.

When I did catch on, I used the knowledge I had learned and put one married man to the test. This slickster used his sister to call me, because he was busy with his wife. I didn’t know he was married until that phone call. I told her about herself and him and warned her to tell him never to call me again. Had I pursued a relationship with this attractive guy who had a great salary to go along with him, I would have been considered a home-wrecker. One battle was won, but there were more tests that I would face as I got older. I admit I had my share of wins, but I also had some situations that were too close for comfort and as I said earlier, “What goes around comes around.” Later, I would be cheated on by someone I once loved.

Flirting is harmful. Talking to a married man on the phone periodically about things non-related to business is not okay. Sitting down in a restaurant after work hours discussing everything but business is playing with fire. I honestly believe that some single women need to associate their struggles with relationships now with what they did in their heyday. Think: Did you go out with married men? Did you have an intimate relationship with these men? Back then you may have thought that your youth will stay with you, now some of you reading this are older and don’t feel or look as attractive, but are still attracting older men. Some have become a little absent-minded about the past and never talked to God about it or asked for his forgiveness. I know some people don’t believe in curses, but I think some of us have put curses on our own lives by what we say and do.

We may tell someone how we are such a great person and we could never do wrong, but behind closed doors we are calling ourselves an idiot and saying why we will never have a good relationship or never have children. Reverse the curse, my sister! You could be blessed if you were willing to say and do the deeds that would make you feel good about yourself, rather than do things that hurt you and others. Is it really that important to you to keep an unavailable man in your life? Do you really think that what he promises you will be achieved? Will you be content with what you have to do to keep his gifts coming? Nothing in life comes for free there is always a give and take relationship somewhere. What are you willing to risk to get what you want?

I know of women as I type who have sold their souls to the devil. They will do just about anything to get ahead. They love the fact that they don’t have children because it’s just one less obstacle they have to jump over to achieve fame and fortune. While they are fighting for a place, position, and/or power, they are teaching young girls to do exactly the same things they are doing to get ahead. Their actions say, “Sleep with the boss. Shake your behind and the money will come. Tell this man everything he wants to hear. Keep your mouth shut with this one and you will have favor with him even if he is wrong. Go with this man and he will take care of you. Smile this way, dress that way, talk this way…Change your hair color, straighten your curly hair…” You name it, whatever the magazine, television, agent, doctor, even their mother says to make them look and feel sexy and desired by the public, they will do it all the while getting hurt in the end. At some point someone is going to see Jezebel’s (an evil woman in the Christian Bible) flaws and expose them to the world and there she is at home sitting on the floor crying, depressed, wondering why her life has become such a mess. When you keep feeding the world garbage they are going to want more and more and more until you are spent! Eventually they will be taking the garbage out and dumping it into a grave until they can find "the next best…" You fill in the blank.

I have witnessed unavailable men seek after available women like pimps looking for hoes, because it’s an ego boost for them. They can spot a desperate woman a mile away and they work out their plan before she even looks their way. He knows that if he says all the right things and she behaves herself, he can have his way with her. But when she doesn’t, depending on how rich and powerful he is, he may drop her, take what he gave her back (or in some cases he may get a gift or two like a disease) or worse attempt to kill her. A woman who acts like trash gets treated like trash. If the woman is a mother, she may be spared the games, because she has innocent children that don't need to be caught up in drama, but a child-free slut doesn’t stand a chance. She can’t excuse her disgraceful actions with, “I did it for my kids.” What kids? “I did it because of love.” What relationship? “I did it because I wanted to get ahead.” Really, then the public will label you as a hoe or a selfish b*tch, take your pick. Meanwhile thinking, "What else will this slut do for the mighty dollar?" There she is the single, relationship and child-free woman being escorted to someone’s basement, office, car, garage, woods, ready to be sacrificed like an animal. If she does what she is told, she gets what she is asking for, but most likely her master, I mean old man, is going to tell his friends about her. If she doesn’t do what they ask of her then she will be hurt emotionally and/or physically. But if she is a good little hoe, she just might get some more bills paid.

Nicholl McGuire, author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.