Power Struggle with a Stubborn, Older Man - Give In or Move On

He may not come right out and tell his dates, "Listen, I am not that guy who is going to go along just to get along.  I am going to raise questions, drag my feet, and do any number of things if I suspect you want me to do something for you, agree to something you say..."  But his actions or inactions in the relationship will one day expose who he really is after his charming demeanor begins to fade.

There is a personal power struggle with some men and they aren't much interested in sitting in the passenger seat, not even for a moment, in a friendship, casual dating arrangement, or serious relationship.  They want to drive everyone and everything from the initial meetings with dates to how things go on in the bedroom.  There is no working together.  This is why many older men are divorced.  They were controlling and still are that way and will never admit to this.  When former wives started objecting to their demands and refused to take their mistreatment whether emotional or violent any longer, they were considered difficult women who didn't love and appreciate them.  These men will do their best to appear like they were victims, but this just isn't the case with most.  They provoked situations with evil looks, wicked statements, cheating, lying, acting cold, distant, and more toward their families and ex-partners started striking back.  But an older man will tell a young woman anything for a good time, sex and a roof over his head if he hasn't accomplished too much in life.

As long as a young lady allows an older, controlling man to dominate the relationship, he might keep her around for awhile.  But this sort of arrangement gets old and sooner or later the young lady will grow weary of the man making all the decisions like where to go, who to see, and so on.  She will become irritated with having to wait for him to be in the mood to do this or that with her, then become further annoyed when he is dictating how long they stay at an event, how much money is spent, where they might move to or stay, etc.  Cohabitate with a stubborn man and before long you are setting up the environment to suit him more-so than yourself.

You can't teach a man who has been with many women in his lifetime too much of anything.  He has seen much, accomplished possibly more or not nearly enough for his age, and now all he wants is a youthful, working companion that looks cute, doesn't talk much, and has more commonalities than differences.  His requests might seem simple enough, but a rigid man is not the least bit easy to get along with if you too are stubborn, controlling and enjoy being the new age, independent type.  One day you will both reach the cross roads in your relationship, either give in or move on.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

Controlling husband, abusive boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, spouse. Warnings...

Isolation: When the Older Man Doesn't Want His Young Woman Around Anyone But Him

He's out there, that nice guy who says in such a nice voice, "You are so pretty, I just want you all to myself."  This mature man knows exactly what he is doing when he subtly or quite boldly tells a young woman what he expects from her.  "I really enjoy your company, come around more often.  Whatever you need I can supply those things for you..."  Now if she isn't discerning, she will just laugh and dismiss what he says as unimportant.  The young lady assumes that her life is still her own--independent and free even with her gentleman suitor.  Little does she know, she will soon be entering a world where she will be repeatedly asked to shut off her phone off, stay with him, move away with him, etc.  Family, friends, co-workers and others are just not welcome.  Gradually the older man's critical voice will rise up and object to anyone or anything that interferes with his attempt at building an isolated world where it's just two and no more.

As she draws near to the man who "means the world to me," it will become increasingly difficult to reach the young woman, because his mind control will begin to take root.  Her voice mail will pick up, but she won't.  E-mails from acquaintances will go unopened.  She will become a stranger to friends.  Her family will begin to worry.  Meanwhile, the older, controlling man will have her right where he wants her with him and only him.

Isolation is a form of abuse.  Many mature, abusive men are either unaware of what they are doing, don't care or do care and systematically isolate their victims.  Persuading or forcing someone to stay in a room, a home, a car, etc. knowing full well she wants to see people and do things apart from you is deceptive, controlling and evil. 

Maybe the young female doesn't want to be bothered with her family and if that is the case, then her older gentleman friend might want to encourage her to at least write or call them just to let them know that everything is alright sometimes.  But some men are content with their partners staying away from relatives, co-workers, friends, and even children, because this means they will remain loyal to them.

If the young woman should rebel against her older mate's wishes and decide that she is going to see her loved ones, talk to male friends, shop alone, work late hours, or anything else that she wants to do, then there is a psychological hell he will put her through whether in gentle ways using sweet words and affection or harsh ones using threats and fists.  If loved ones should come around, these jealousy men will ignore partners and them, fight, or do things to make all parties feel unwelcome when visiting the couple's residence.  He doesn't want them showing up and he doesn't mind acting rude, critical and bitter around them either.  These controlling men might make their partners feel guilty when they want to go some where without them or if they should decline seeing their relatives.

A young woman who knows her partner is isolating her is going to act fearful when he does things that keep her close to him.  She isn't going to tell others what is happening, because she doesn't want to look bad or make others think negatively about a man she has bragged about or defended.  She also feels ashamed and angered about the way her mate acts when her loved ones are around.  So the young woman will distance herself from family and friends, put a limit on outside activities, or don't do much at all just so that she doesn't have to deal with her mean-spirited partner's bad-mouthing and tantrums as a result of her wanting to see loved ones, go places, etc.

You may be a victim, an abuser or know of someone in a relationship where isolation is ongoing.  Take a look at what is happening, bring attention to the problem and seek solutions.  It is not "okay, normal" or a loving thing to say and do things to keep a person isolated, nor should one abandon a friend who you know is in an abusive relationship.  Much of this isolation behavior derives from jealousy, insecurities, childhood issues, and being a victim possibly of abuse yourself.  Don't enable dysfunction, speak up, establish boundaries and if necessary end the relationship. 

Isolation Tactics an Abuser will Use

1.  Tells you what to do with your money or tells you not to work, so you will not be out and about.
2.  Causes friction between you and others due to negative words he says about them i.e.) He lies.
3.  Creates a list of things you are expected to do when interacting with others i.e.) "You only go places with me.  You are not permitted to talk to the opposite sex when I'm not around whether on or off the Internet..."
4.  Doesn't want people visiting the residence--makes all sorts of excuses.
5.  Doesn't want to visit your relatives and friends and would rather you don't go either.
6.  Suddenly comes up with "plans" to keep you from going places.
7.  Tells you some things like, "It's just me and you, we don't need anyone...We can stay at home, we don't need to go anywhere...All we need is each other...We can be all alone on an island--just you and I, Baby."
8.  Calls and checks up on you often and may even joke about you, "Staying put.  I hope you aren't going anywhere, you stay in your place, Woman."
9.  Complains, vents, yells, threatens or does things to keep you from leaving the home.
10.  Offers to do many things so that you are never in an atmosphere where you could possibly meet and talk to other men i.e.) shops for you, runs errands, fixes things, offers to go places with you, etc.

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When the Wealthy Older Man Acts Like a god in the Young Woman's Life

Her parents didn't care much for her, the young woman in need of love begins her quest to gain what she lacked growing up.  She stumbles across an older man whether online or offline, someone who can help her mentally, physically and spiritually--at least so she hopes.


Yet, for many young women in search of mates, that they believe will meet their needs, they are left feeling disappointed.  Sure, most relationships start off quite wonderful and others remain that way for years, but the unspoken truth with many is that they have resented their decisions in choosing mates.  Rather, they wish they would have made wiser choices especially when the older men begin to show their true ages.


What one has to give up in order to gain much can be quite shocking when it comes to dating older wealthy men.  Some young women have reduced their lives down to nothing more than being baby makers, maids, baby-sitters, secretaries, workers, investors, mistresses, and more.  There is no love in these relationships just expectations.  "I do for you, you do for me...and maybe you just might get more."


A young woman who has no faith, no self-esteem, broke physically, and is grappling with all sorts of family issues is easy prey for a man who is also broken mentally, physically and spiritually.  Controlling other people's lives makes some men feel complete--they feel like gods answering their followers prayers.  They expect to be praised, worshipped and given respect even when these acts are undeserving.  These controlling men enjoy not having to answer to anyone.  They will not hesitate to put up a fight, whether right or wrong, when it comes to someone or something directing their lives.  So a young woman with little education, skill, wisdom, talent, respect for herself, etc. has little, if no influence, on her mature dates.


This is why concerned relatives and friends, who know women in relationships with older men, will advise these young ladies to do things like:  focus on school, find a good job, break from a meaningless relationship, relocate, achieve dreams, travel, avoid pregnancy, marriage, and more.  Those who have made poor decisions in their lives early on know how difficult it can be to live for self once one commits to marriage and family.


A young woman with little guidance in life will look to whoever is willing to be attentive to her.  If that person is offering advice, paying her bills, protecting her, and doing other things while family and friends are often being critical, ignoring her, or showing the poor lady no love, there will always be an older man around looking to get his needs met while meeting hers for a time.  Unfortunately, some mature men don't keep up with their end of the bargain.  They lie, exaggerate, and do other things that leave a young woman feeling used and abused.  Check out Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.


Nicholl McGuire 

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