On Attending Family Events with a Date - Personal Experience, Self-Help Book

When I first started dating in my youth, I always found myself either accepting or declining an invite to attend my dates' family events. I will be the first to admit, I wasn't always eager to meet my companions' kin especially when I knew there was no future with them. Later in life, I would have long term relationships and find that some people were okay about occasional cancellations and others not so much. The negative talk would start about "Why didn't you come?" along with questions to see how close was I to my own family.

It wasn't that I had issues with the individuals at some of these gatherings; I just didn't feel the need to support my partners' every time they chose to connect with their families. I recall witnessing my own family quite happy when in-laws, girlfriends and boyfriends were no shows every now and then. They simply wanted to spend some time with their relatives without their better half always around. If you think about it, we do tend to let our hair down more so when partners aren't around.

Meeting someone's new girlfriend or boyfriend, in-laws, extended relatives, half sisters and brothers, etc. can be particularly burdensome especially around holidays. Do we even bother to remember all those names? We don't always want to be around our own intermediate family much less the aunt of the cousin whose friend is a friend of...you know the feeling. 

When you are involved with someone who really enjoys the company of his or her family a little more than you do, the last thing you want to do is hurt him or her, so you go along to get along month after month or year after year until one day a light bulb goes off, "I don't want to keep doing this! I really want to do something different this year." If resentment is mixed with anger once you arrive to this revelation, those emotions are sure to bring confusion for yourself and/or household, because for so long you had chose to do some things to appease someone else.

One should never obligate his or herself to go somewhere he or she rather not just because the individual doesn't want to hurt a partner's feelings. What about yours? Keep this in mind when you read my book, Should I Go to the Party?  This isn't just a book that questions whether a party is worth attending or not, but it challenges you to establish a plan before you are faced with the dilemmas and trials that come with attending an event.  There are so many stories where people wish they had never gone somewhere and met the people that they did.

Stop the cycle of going along just to get along and look a little closer at those in your social circle who just love inviting folks to all sorts of events even when they know full well trouble-makers will be present--is it worth it?  Could accepting the wrong invitation be the end of a good relationship, friendship?  Check out

Should I Go to the Party?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of other books including: Say Goodbye to Dad, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, and What Else Can I do on the Internet?

Your Older Date's Relationship with Mom

Whether he is very close, somewhat close or not at all due to conflict, death or something else, you just might learn much about how he might treat you.  Not every man, who appears to have a great relationship with mom, will be nice and respectful to their dates too. 

Some men feel obligated to be obedient to mom because they fear or worry about her.  There are many people who have no idea or concept that they are being manipulated by their mothers.  Nor do they comprehend how their relationship (or lack thereof) with mom is connected with how they generally treat women.

Watch for these signs and more that a man is not very kind or respectful toward women:

1.  He feels he is smarter and/or more responsible than women.
2.  He speaks harshly about them.
3.  He makes offensive jokes about the opposite sex.
4.  He claims to have a close relationship with his mom, yet he badmouths her.
5.  He doesn't act like he cares for his mother much even when she is having a tough time.
6.  He talks positively about men and tends to bond well with them, but women he is mean and disrespectful.
7.  You feel like you are walking on eggshells with him.

When you notice these signs, you have a choice to confront the man about his behavior, keep your distance, or drop him altogether.  Men who are mean-spirited when it comes to women are not good guys to be around.  A mother's impact is quite powerful: good, bad or otherwise.  Don't underestimate it.  If a man should say, "I really can't stand my mother...I hate what she did to me...I wish she was never my mother...I can't forgive her for...She really gets on my nerves," you have every right to be wary of him.  Check out "Tell Me Mother You're Sorry" by Nicholl McGuire

When the Family Accepts Younger Woman Dating Older Guy

He made it through the series of tests!  The family really liked that guy who is 10 plus years older than their young daughter, niece, sister, cousin...Good for him!  But the trial is not over, it's just beginning!


As long as the older guy dates the younger woman, there will always be someone or a group in the family that will be keeping one eye on that man who claims to love/like their young relative.  The day he says one cross word or puts his hand on their little girl and she goes back to report to her family about the episode, just might be the day that he can forget coming back around the family.


Although some relatives might be okay with the arrangement publicly, behind closed doors they are having the "If he does anything..." kind of conversation.  Remember, the relatives don't love or appreciate that man like his partner does.  As far as they are concerned, he is a fly by night romance with mid-life issues.


Meanwhile, those relatives, who are genuinely happy for the couple, will not hesitate to invite them over for future events.  It is up to the older guy and his young partner to pick and choose which events are worth attending.  Too much hanging around the family isn't always good and so the old adage goes, familiarity breeds contempt.  Therefore, take some time away from relatives and love from a distance if you want your relationship to go the distance!


Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

His Family, Her Family Not Your Friends

Family is just that family.  They may act like friends at times, but those who have been there for you through it all are meant to protect you, advise you, love you, and do whatever else for you, but don't expect the same from your dating partner's family.

So many girlfriends and boyfriends enter into families expecting to receive the same, if not better, treatment from their partner's family.  They falsely assume that because they haven't been in any family wars with the in-laws that they will be treated like "one of the family."  This phrase sounds nice in movies, but the reality is that maybe one or two of your mate's relatives might be open to embracing you like calling or visiting the two of you and really taking interest in who you are (and not necessarily what you have), but not most of your future inlaws.  Therefore, they can't be trusted with private information about you or the status of your relationship with their loved one, so don't bother sharing deep feelings, whether written or verbal, because what you say might come back to haunt you one day.  For instance, don't say something like, "I love her with all my heart and I will do almost anything to make sure she stays happy with me."  Family won't forget.

When we feel comfortable around those "nice, polite," and "sweetheart" types of people, who don't appear like they could hurt a fly, we tend to talk too much.  Grandma may act kind and Grandpa might be cordial too, but they just might have a dark side.  Parents aren't always "cool" or "great to be around" so don't take the flattering statements too seriously.  Chances are there are some things that your mate really doesn't want his or her family to know about your relationship, faith, upbringing, job, and more.  It can be challenging to know what to say or what not to say when you don't talk to your mate about topics in advance.  You wouldn't want to go to your girlfriend's or boyfriend's parents' home joining in on a conversation about how your mate can't cook, doesn't like to clean, and was good for nothing as a child.  Imagine what the ride home will be like with your partner.  If your relatives are mean-spirited, angry, bitter or have some sort of mental condition, don't hide these things say so.  If your partner may not mesh very well with certain relatives then why bother bringing her or him to their setting?  If you know you don't like your family for one reason or another, then deal with those issues without bringing someone you love into your mess.  Warn him or her of those challenges you have with certain family members.

There are relatives who don't mind telling everyone all about you both good and bad.  You may not be ready to tell your mate everything about you, so it would make sense not to bring her or him around big mouth relatives until you are comfortable about discussing how you feel about things.  If you choose to procrastinate on certain issues, know that the big mouth relative will not hesitate to share information about your past, present and future the moment he or she is left alone with your mate.

Some couples will argue or defend favorite relatives by saying things like, "Well, that's not what she meant...I don't know why she said that, but she is really a great person...He isn't so bad."  But the truth is, most relatives and friends mean what they say, they don't need a public relations campaign for or against them.  They are not interested in making friends with your lover or many lovers, they are more concerned about getting to know who these people are who you claim you care about and whether or not one of them is a keeper or all are losers. 

One of the biggest mistakes you can make early on in your intimate relationship is to argue with your special someone about what a family member's feelings are concerning him or her.  People usually can detect whether feelings behind one's smile are genuine or fake, so when a mate communicates, "I don't believe your mom really likes me..." after several times of being around her, most likely she doesn't.

Naive, gullible people who are more concerned about impressing people, rather than studying them, will assume that everyone likes them and wants to be their friend, but let us be reminded that family are just family.  They are more concerned about a loved one's happiness then being best buddies, so be mindful of what you say to them.

Nicholl McGuire

Time to Show Off Your Younger or Older Mate for the Holidays

The day will soon be here! You will be making a statement whether you know it or not when you bring your new mate home for the holidays. So what do you say? What will they say? How will you react? What do you think your partner will do? So many questions, so little time. Let's talk about the dos and don'ts.

1. Do stay positive.

Although some will not favor your choice in a mate whether to your face or behind your back, ignore the looks and address negative comments, but always remember why you love your partner!

2. Do your homework before you and your date arrive to the family function.

Find out from relatives and friends what the mood is like before you arrive. If there is alot of tension about your decision, find somewhere else to spend the holidays.

3. Do avoid family disagreements.

You may be accustomed to arguing with certain family members and friends about one thing or another, try not to. You don't want to give your partner the wrong impression. Also, he or she may already feel tensed being around people he or she doesn't know, so try to keep conversations light.

4. Do respect your partner's feelings.

When your partner says, "I think we should go...I don't feel comfortable..." Don't make a scene. Politely excuse yourself when the opportune time comes and find out what occurred away from the site so as not to draw attention to the two of you.

5. Don't act bossy, know-it-all, negative, toward your partner in front of your family.

Sometimes we tend to tell our partners everything about everything when we are around people we know and we may even act a little different. Check your attitude and be sure you are putting your best foot forward not only with everyone else, but more specifically your partner.

6. Don't leave your partner alone with family for long periods of time.

Family have a way with words once you leave your partner alone. If you know you have difficult, negative relatives and friends, don't leave your partner alone with these people.

7. Don't allow your family to disrespect your partner.

Age is nothing but a number, but for some it is more than that and they may not hesitate to let everyone know how they feel. Don't stand there and let the relative or friend tell you and your partner off.

8. Don't feel tempted to joke about age or appearance with others.

Sometimes people will give into jokes because they want to go along just to get along. If you are in the relationship for the long haul, you don't want to set a precedence from the beginning that says, "I don't care..." when you know that you or your date really does care. Cut the joking off from the beginning and everyone will know where you stand.

Now that you have your tips for the holidays, enjoy! If things take a bad turn, try not to break your relationship off with your mate until you are certain he or she is not the one, not because of pressure or negative reaction from family and friends.