Someone who is 10, 15, 20 or even 30 years older than you
has expressed romantic interest.
However, lately you have had some mixed feelings about dating them, how
do you deal with your doubts and be at peace with your decision to date, stay
in the relationship or end it?
Meet Nadine, she was 21 when she met Dalton 31. He seemed to have his life very much together
as compared to some of the guys she met her own age. However, Nadine and Dalton came from
different worlds. When Dalton was a
child, men were very domineering over women and when Nadine was a child every
woman she ever knew was independent.
Their worlds began to collide.
Dalton expected Nadine to listen to him and follow his instructions
about cooking and keeping the house clean, take his suggestions on how to dress
in front of men and most of all how to communicate with him without using slang
and curse words. Dalton mentioned to her
one day he thought she was rather young and they didn’t have many common
interests, but there was nothing more said about his statement. He avoided bringing the age difference issue
up to her again, because he definitely didn’t want to break up with her at
least not right then. On the other hand,
Nadine wasn’t sure she could continue to look at Dalton’s receding hairline
much longer while he gave her his suggestions about how she should act. She also grew weary of sitting at home
watching Dalton’s selection of classic movies on weekends. Both of them continued to see one another
despite their differences; however, they were considering on breaking up with
one another secretly.
Although Nadine’s complaints seem trivial, she is use to
doing things with people mainly her own age and she socializes with very
youthful and attractive people (who haven’t lost their hair at least not
yet.) On the other hand, Dalton works
around many people his own age and doesn’t see anything wrong with “teaching”
Nadine. Despite their conflict over age
differences, they get along at times, but they are silently grappling with the
issue.
Before you decide to date, propose, marry or break up with
someone much older or younger than you, be sure to write down all of your
concerns. Don’t just think about how you
feel about him or her presently, but how you may feel about them in the
future. What is important to you about
another person’s personality and physical attributes may not be so important to
everyone else. The decision you reach
should be one you are comfortable with not one someone else tries to convince
you to make. Some people may tell you
how great it is to date someone older for wisdom, wealth, growth and other
reasons that seem logical. However, you
may have a problem with the way he or she looks, talks to you or treats you out
in public. Others may tell you how
wonderful it is to date a younger person, because they don’t have as much
baggage, they are exciting and youthful, yet you may find their conversations
are annoying or discover they are completely the opposite of what you expected. Avoid going into a relationship or continuing
one with heavy doubts. If there is a
small voice telling you he or she is not the one, listen to it. No matter how reasonable or logical someone’s
advice may sound, go with what gives you peace of mind.
Being with someone who is older or younger is very similar
to dating someone inter-racially. People
will stare and comment. Your own family
may be critical and tell you what they think of your mate. You will have to be prepared to stand strong
in the face of opposition if you really want your relationship to work. Some ex-spouses will attempt to make life
difficult for you (and use the children if you have any.) They may be jealous, angry or even still in
love with you depending on how you broke up with them. Know how to handle them, so that your new
mate will not feel insecure or want to leave you.
Questions you may have not thought
about are as follows. Consider asking
yourself the following and acting on your response. It is best to know what you want and how you
feel about the relationship before you fall too deeply in love.
Before You First Met
How would you describe your life before meeting this older
or younger person? This question is
important to answer. For instance, some
people who are in their 40s could have recently came out of a relationship with
someone who was about the same age and found he or she to be rather boring,
tired, miserable, or depressed. As we
know the older you get the more likely hormonal changes occur, unexpected aches
and pains and other body challenges.
Sometimes hormones will motivate desires to have every facet of one’s
life be changed such as ending a long term marriage, selecting a younger more
exciting mate, quitting his or her job and traveling, buying a sports car that
one cannot afford, exercising obsessively, dressing younger or taking a deep
interest in having a baby or caring for babies. Some people later regret their
decisions because they realize a visit to the doctor’s office and a prescription
could have kept them from making life- altering changes. Maybe the problem wasn’t with their previous
mate; instead, he or she may have had mental issues.
Another thought you may want to consider, if you are
younger, is how was your relationship with your mother and father growing
up? Do you find there is a pattern in
selecting mates older than you? There
are young women who are very much in need of a father figure and will confuse
that need with their desire to date an older man. If she had no male influence growing up or
her own dad didn’t seem interested in relating to her, she may look for
qualities in an older man to compensate for what she lacked in childhood. An older man who may be aware of this behavior
may want to consider what role he will want to play in her life: good friend, lover, god father, acquaintance
or all of the above.
Some older men have desires to have someone care for them
particularly if they never had a daughter. There may be a reason why for some
of you, you are consistently seeking younger women. Think about your past relationships, did you
find yourself tempted to teach, correct and instruct your younger mate? Do you find you can control a younger woman
or “get away” with certain things you couldn’t with a woman your own age?
When You First Met
This younger or older mate definitely had something about
them that drew you to them, what was it?
If you find there is nothing more than physical qualities, sex and/or
money, then you can be sure the relationship will be challenged. There has to be more than these attributes to
make you want to be with him or her.
What is it you like or dislike about he or she? What is it that your mate likes or dislikes
about you? Will you be able to deal with
these differences long term?
Physical Characteristics
As we all know beauty comes and goes, will you still find
him or her attractive in the short and long term? What happens when he or she is ill, pregnant
or disabled and not looking his or her best?
Have you centered the relationship on appearance and showing him or her
off to the public for attention? A man
or woman with a fifty-year-old body doesn’t look like a man or woman with a
twenty or thirty-something year old body?
Will you be able to handle a body aging?
If you are older, are you confident enough in the way you look that you
won’t give your younger mate a hard time when you see them around people many
years younger than you? If you are
younger, what are your feelings about gray hair, balding, protruding bellies
and varicose veins?
Personality
There will be those moments when you may say something that
will reveal your true age. It may be a
story about how you grew up, what kind of music you like, how old your parents
are or something reminding your mate how old or young you are. How do you feel when you have conversations
with your mate and how does he or she make you feel? Do you find him or her uninteresting? Do you feel more comfortable around people
who are your own age? How do you think
your feelings will affect your relationship in the future? As discussed earlier, hormonal changes will
also come to challenge the relationship.
For men, will you be able to handle a future pregnant woman’s
mood swings, menopause, or PMS? As for
women will you be able to deal with male mental and physical issues?
Finances
When either a younger or older mate has wealth, he or she
may be very generous or protective of it.
They may not know what your motives are for being with them. How will you respond to their concerns? Do you have your own personal wealth you can
be proud of? Will your mate object if
you work, don’t work, own your own business or go back to school? Do you expect your mate to assist you? Have you discussed how much you make, what
kind of bills you pay and how much they are and if you can afford to help one
another? Can you both afford to travel,
eat out at restaurants and enjoy other forms of entertainment? All of these questions are important because
our interests are a big part of our lives, if you want to do things together,
you don’t want money to be an issue later in the relationship.
Relatives
Your family will also reveal how old you are as well. Her sister maybe twenty years old and yours
may be forty years old. Your mate may not
have too much in common with her potential sister-in-laws and vice versa. Don’t anticipate the family will love your
mate, because they may not. Instead,
they will question, “What does this younger woman want with my son? Why is this old man going out with my
daughter?” They will discuss motives
among each other and eventually talk with you as to what they suspect is your
mate’s reasons for being with you. Don’t
fall into the temptation to believe what you hear unless there is proof from
your mate that tells you otherwise.
Children
If you had children or are thinking about not having any,
then your younger mate needs to know this.
Don’t cover up how you really feel by saying, “Oh maybe one day.” The truth will later reveal itself and when
it does it won’t help your relationship.
If you are serious about not wanting children, state the truth. If you have children from a previous
relationship, tell your mate. There are
consequences whether you tell or don’t tell.
Avoid hurting your mate anymore than you have to by being honest and
allow them the opportunity to make a choice whether to continue a relationship
with you. If you would like to have
children one day, be sure your mate knows, but don’t try to convince him or her
she will be a good father or mother, let them think about your plans and reach
a decision on their own.
Death
This should concern anyone in any kind of relationship. The day will come where we will all die. Think of the person you are with and include
them on your insurance policy. You don’t
need to tell them what you have done.
However, if they choose to be with you for the rest of their lives and
you are many years older, you know the days will come when they will most
likely have to care for you. Don’t leave
your mate or children with any financial burdens. Plan how your wealth will be handled once you
are gone.
Although the information in this article is very detailed
for a relationship that may not have started yet or is just beginning, it has
provided you with a glimpse of what you will have to consider in the
future. Re-read it. Make your decision to date someone older or
younger wisely, not out of lust, selfish gain, curiosity or some other trivial
reason.
Nicholl McGuire shares insightful wisdom around the web, check out "
Messages for the Soul" on YourListen.com
