I didn't notice the age difference until "they" pointed it out.
Age gap dating highs and lows. Sometimes you discover there are more lows than highs.
by Nicholl McGuire
Wednesday
Should You Date an Older Man or Woman?
Someone who is 10, 15, 20 or even 30 years older than you
has expressed romantic interest.
However, lately you have had some mixed feelings about dating them, how
do you deal with your doubts and be at peace with your decision to date, stay
in the relationship or end it?
Meet Nadine, she was 21 when she met Dalton 31. He seemed to have his life very much together
as compared to some of the guys she met her own age. However, Nadine and Dalton came from
different worlds. When Dalton was a
child, men were very domineering over women and when Nadine was a child every
woman she ever knew was independent.
Their worlds began to collide.
Dalton expected Nadine to listen to him and follow his instructions
about cooking and keeping the house clean, take his suggestions on how to dress
in front of men and most of all how to communicate with him without using slang
and curse words. Dalton mentioned to her
one day he thought she was rather young and they didn’t have many common
interests, but there was nothing more said about his statement. He avoided bringing the age difference issue
up to her again, because he definitely didn’t want to break up with her at
least not right then. On the other hand,
Nadine wasn’t sure she could continue to look at Dalton’s receding hairline
much longer while he gave her his suggestions about how she should act. She also grew weary of sitting at home
watching Dalton’s selection of classic movies on weekends. Both of them continued to see one another
despite their differences; however, they were considering on breaking up with
one another secretly.
Although Nadine’s complaints seem trivial, she is use to
doing things with people mainly her own age and she socializes with very
youthful and attractive people (who haven’t lost their hair at least not
yet.) On the other hand, Dalton works
around many people his own age and doesn’t see anything wrong with “teaching”
Nadine. Despite their conflict over age
differences, they get along at times, but they are silently grappling with the
issue.
Before you decide to date, propose, marry or break up with
someone much older or younger than you, be sure to write down all of your
concerns. Don’t just think about how you
feel about him or her presently, but how you may feel about them in the
future. What is important to you about
another person’s personality and physical attributes may not be so important to
everyone else. The decision you reach
should be one you are comfortable with not one someone else tries to convince
you to make. Some people may tell you
how great it is to date someone older for wisdom, wealth, growth and other
reasons that seem logical. However, you
may have a problem with the way he or she looks, talks to you or treats you out
in public. Others may tell you how
wonderful it is to date a younger person, because they don’t have as much
baggage, they are exciting and youthful, yet you may find their conversations
are annoying or discover they are completely the opposite of what you expected. Avoid going into a relationship or continuing
one with heavy doubts. If there is a
small voice telling you he or she is not the one, listen to it. No matter how reasonable or logical someone’s
advice may sound, go with what gives you peace of mind.
Being with someone who is older or younger is very similar
to dating someone inter-racially. People
will stare and comment. Your own family
may be critical and tell you what they think of your mate. You will have to be prepared to stand strong
in the face of opposition if you really want your relationship to work. Some ex-spouses will attempt to make life
difficult for you (and use the children if you have any.) They may be jealous, angry or even still in
love with you depending on how you broke up with them. Know how to handle them, so that your new
mate will not feel insecure or want to leave you.
Questions you may have not thought
about are as follows. Consider asking
yourself the following and acting on your response. It is best to know what you want and how you
feel about the relationship before you fall too deeply in love.
Before You First Met
How would you describe your life before meeting this older
or younger person? This question is
important to answer. For instance, some
people who are in their 40s could have recently came out of a relationship with
someone who was about the same age and found he or she to be rather boring,
tired, miserable, or depressed. As we
know the older you get the more likely hormonal changes occur, unexpected aches
and pains and other body challenges.
Sometimes hormones will motivate desires to have every facet of one’s
life be changed such as ending a long term marriage, selecting a younger more
exciting mate, quitting his or her job and traveling, buying a sports car that
one cannot afford, exercising obsessively, dressing younger or taking a deep
interest in having a baby or caring for babies. Some people later regret their
decisions because they realize a visit to the doctor’s office and a prescription
could have kept them from making life- altering changes. Maybe the problem wasn’t with their previous
mate; instead, he or she may have had mental issues.
Another thought you may want to consider, if you are
younger, is how was your relationship with your mother and father growing
up? Do you find there is a pattern in
selecting mates older than you? There
are young women who are very much in need of a father figure and will confuse
that need with their desire to date an older man. If she had no male influence growing up or
her own dad didn’t seem interested in relating to her, she may look for
qualities in an older man to compensate for what she lacked in childhood. An older man who may be aware of this behavior
may want to consider what role he will want to play in her life: good friend, lover, god father, acquaintance
or all of the above.
Some older men have desires to have someone care for them
particularly if they never had a daughter. There may be a reason why for some
of you, you are consistently seeking younger women. Think about your past relationships, did you
find yourself tempted to teach, correct and instruct your younger mate? Do you find you can control a younger woman
or “get away” with certain things you couldn’t with a woman your own age?
When You First Met
This younger or older mate definitely had something about
them that drew you to them, what was it?
If you find there is nothing more than physical qualities, sex and/or
money, then you can be sure the relationship will be challenged. There has to be more than these attributes to
make you want to be with him or her.
What is it you like or dislike about he or she? What is it that your mate likes or dislikes
about you? Will you be able to deal with
these differences long term?
Physical Characteristics
As we all know beauty comes and goes, will you still find
him or her attractive in the short and long term? What happens when he or she is ill, pregnant
or disabled and not looking his or her best?
Have you centered the relationship on appearance and showing him or her
off to the public for attention? A man
or woman with a fifty-year-old body doesn’t look like a man or woman with a
twenty or thirty-something year old body?
Will you be able to handle a body aging?
If you are older, are you confident enough in the way you look that you
won’t give your younger mate a hard time when you see them around people many
years younger than you? If you are
younger, what are your feelings about gray hair, balding, protruding bellies
and varicose veins?
Personality
There will be those moments when you may say something that
will reveal your true age. It may be a
story about how you grew up, what kind of music you like, how old your parents
are or something reminding your mate how old or young you are. How do you feel when you have conversations
with your mate and how does he or she make you feel? Do you find him or her uninteresting? Do you feel more comfortable around people
who are your own age? How do you think
your feelings will affect your relationship in the future? As discussed earlier, hormonal changes will
also come to challenge the relationship.
For men, will you be able to handle a future pregnant woman’s
mood swings, menopause, or PMS? As for
women will you be able to deal with male mental and physical issues?
Finances
When either a younger or older mate has wealth, he or she
may be very generous or protective of it.
They may not know what your motives are for being with them. How will you respond to their concerns? Do you have your own personal wealth you can
be proud of? Will your mate object if
you work, don’t work, own your own business or go back to school? Do you expect your mate to assist you? Have you discussed how much you make, what
kind of bills you pay and how much they are and if you can afford to help one
another? Can you both afford to travel,
eat out at restaurants and enjoy other forms of entertainment? All of these questions are important because
our interests are a big part of our lives, if you want to do things together,
you don’t want money to be an issue later in the relationship.
Relatives
Your family will also reveal how old you are as well. Her sister maybe twenty years old and yours
may be forty years old. Your mate may not
have too much in common with her potential sister-in-laws and vice versa. Don’t anticipate the family will love your
mate, because they may not. Instead,
they will question, “What does this younger woman want with my son? Why is this old man going out with my
daughter?” They will discuss motives
among each other and eventually talk with you as to what they suspect is your
mate’s reasons for being with you. Don’t
fall into the temptation to believe what you hear unless there is proof from
your mate that tells you otherwise.
Children
If you had children or are thinking about not having any,
then your younger mate needs to know this.
Don’t cover up how you really feel by saying, “Oh maybe one day.” The truth will later reveal itself and when
it does it won’t help your relationship.
If you are serious about not wanting children, state the truth. If you have children from a previous
relationship, tell your mate. There are
consequences whether you tell or don’t tell.
Avoid hurting your mate anymore than you have to by being honest and
allow them the opportunity to make a choice whether to continue a relationship
with you. If you would like to have
children one day, be sure your mate knows, but don’t try to convince him or her
she will be a good father or mother, let them think about your plans and reach
a decision on their own.
Death
This should concern anyone in any kind of relationship. The day will come where we will all die. Think of the person you are with and include
them on your insurance policy. You don’t
need to tell them what you have done.
However, if they choose to be with you for the rest of their lives and
you are many years older, you know the days will come when they will most
likely have to care for you. Don’t leave
your mate or children with any financial burdens. Plan how your wealth will be handled once you
are gone.
Although the information in this article is very detailed
for a relationship that may not have started yet or is just beginning, it has
provided you with a glimpse of what you will have to consider in the
future. Re-read it. Make your decision to date someone older or
younger wisely, not out of lust, selfish gain, curiosity or some other trivial
reason.
Nicholl McGuire shares insightful wisdom around the web, check out "Messages for the Soul" on YourListen.com
Friday
10 Reasons Why Dating a Mature Gentleman Might Be Good for You
A woman doesn't always want someone who is her own age or younger, there are men out there who are mature, have great personalities and are emotionally, physically and spiritually stable. If your experiences with dates have been subpar, you can't seem to connect with men your own age, then why not consider dating someone 10, 15 or 20 plus years older? So when does a woman know when dating a mature gentleman is indeed right for her?
1) When she has had more than enough failed attempts at dating men in her age group.
2) When she has found that she is the one spending more money and time on men who simply are all looks and no go.
3) When she has been told repeatedly that she acts older, wise, or mature for her age, but the partners she picks are immature or too young for her.
4) When she has seen far too many connections around her lead to break ups, separation or divorce. She might learn a few things from experienced widows who stuck it out with their wives for over 20 plus years.
5) When she knows that she isn't the least bit attractive to young men.
6) When she can clearly see in the mirror that she looks older for her age and the men in her age group aren't showing any interest.
7) When she has been accused of being over confident, knows too much, or expects too much from young men.
8) When all she seems to attract is older men.
9) When she desires things that only a mature, wealthy gentleman can afford to give her.
10) When she is tired of feeling insecure with young men.
You probably can think of a few more reasons as to why a young woman would be better off with a mature man rather than someone close to her age. However, keep in mind that no matter the age, all men have their share of issues you just have to make up in your mind what you can tolerate.
Happy dating!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.
1) When she has had more than enough failed attempts at dating men in her age group.
2) When she has found that she is the one spending more money and time on men who simply are all looks and no go.
3) When she has been told repeatedly that she acts older, wise, or mature for her age, but the partners she picks are immature or too young for her.
4) When she has seen far too many connections around her lead to break ups, separation or divorce. She might learn a few things from experienced widows who stuck it out with their wives for over 20 plus years.
5) When she knows that she isn't the least bit attractive to young men.
6) When she can clearly see in the mirror that she looks older for her age and the men in her age group aren't showing any interest.
7) When she has been accused of being over confident, knows too much, or expects too much from young men.
8) When all she seems to attract is older men.
9) When she desires things that only a mature, wealthy gentleman can afford to give her.
10) When she is tired of feeling insecure with young men.
You probably can think of a few more reasons as to why a young woman would be better off with a mature man rather than someone close to her age. However, keep in mind that no matter the age, all men have their share of issues you just have to make up in your mind what you can tolerate.
Happy dating!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.
Thursday
10 Tips on How Do You Know When an Older Man is Uncomfortable Dating, Committing to You
When some older men choose to date younger women, they are apprehensive at first. These are the men who haven't dated anyone decades younger, because for years they have been preoccupied with their own age group or older. Their discomfort with dating someone younger is due to many things including not being confident in who they are, nervous about what others might think, fighting feelings of incompatibility or inadequacy, and a host of other emotions.
A young woman might pick up on some signs that an older man may not be sold out on dating her and may call the relationship off before he does. Here are some reasons that would make any woman (young or old) not want to continue dating a man insecure about the age gap.
1. He doesn't mention bringing you around family or friends.
Repeated conversations might have come up about family and friends yet he doesn't take you anywhere around these people. He might make promises to meet them one day, but somehow he finds a way to get out of making arrangements.
2. He avoids planning outings where you are both seen together by those he knows.
He knows how his favorite relatives and friends are going to react so to save himself and you the embarrassment he just doesn't find meeting them important at this time. Some men know they are not yet over exes and may be exposed on their lies, so rather than risk their young dates disconnecting from them, they will keep the keys to the truth hidden in this case people who know them well, family.
3. He prefers taking you to places that appear out of the way, distant.
Does your partner have something to hide? Bring up places you like to go repeatedly. Don't be shut down by his suggestions. If he doesn't make room for your input now, what makes you think he will later? You have a right to a good time with anyone you choose not to a hidden romance with possibly a controlling and manipulative person. So find out what is his reasons for putting off all your suggestions to visit together certain areas.
4. He often talks about how young you are.
Run. His view isn't going to change when you are 30 plus and active and he is 50 plus slowing down and not so active. He knows he shouldn't have opened that door up to a younger woman and most likely people around him are telling him he needs to find women his own age.
5. During disputes he comments, "You are stupid, act like child...why do I bother dating girls?"
Once again, he wanted to date you and now he complains about you. No one has time to diagnose a head case. Of course, you are going to act young, because your are YOUNG. And the opposite of young is old. He ought to act his age and stop with the name-calling. Say bye, Felicia!
6. He appears nervous and uncomfortable when you speak to others in his presence.
Is he worried that you might sound immature to his circle? Is he concerned you might talk too much? Is he ashamed of how much more intelligent you might be compared to him? Now how long is his negative demeanor supposed to last? Don't hold up your life for the man who doesn't feel comfortable in your presence--move on.
7. He acts confused, even rude, when you explain to him what your age group likes.
Of course he can't relate to a person 10 plus years younger if he doesn't bother reading or watching anything you and your group finds interesting. He is clueless! His age really begins to show when he starts talking about things from back in the day that you can't wrap your head around. Unless you and he are willing to find common ground, there will be none in personal interests, business, parenting, etc. Take a moment and research what it was like for him growing up, being a young man, and what he did during the age you are right now, you will learn a lot about why he carries the views he has about women, sex, communication, lifestyle, and more.
8. He often says things like, "You need to grow up! Are you wearing that?" it's as if he is pressuring you to act and dress older.
Once again he is showing just how much he is not on board with the age gap relationship. Rather than accepting it, he turns it into a father daughter connection. Ugh! Can we say, controlling!?
9. He starts to talk negatively about marriage and family and how much of a burden you and other people, places and things in his life are, we have a problem, Houston.
There is a lot said when nothing is said. Maybe he hasn't verbalized anything but his gradual disinterest says it all. Yet, if he has shared some mean-spirited comments about everything from who you are to parenting practices, it is safe to say he wants out. Some men should have never even entertained the thought of marriage and children for themselves--they are ill-equipped emotionally and physically. Not every man or woman is meant to be married and have children especially when they have a history of not wanting to be either/or.
Look back on the months and years being with the older man and you will see just how much he has changed. If he is a better person as a result of the marriage and family planning, bravo! But if he is nit-picking, complaining, and placing blame on you as well as other women including his own mother, time to redirect your attention to greener pasture. Men like this only get older and grumpier about their life choices.
10. He has made it plain that he doesn't like or love you for any number of reasons he has came up with and none has anything to do with the fact that he is older.
Of course, he has to find everything that is wrong with you and not him. He has to run from the fact that he had no business dating/marrying you in the first place. Most likely he was forewarned by loved ones early on that most age gap relationships don't last. They questioned him, "What do you want with that young woman?" And we all know what many older, single men or newly divorced ones want other than friendship, sex and to relive those days when they had a crush--aww, not! You weren't put on this planet to be anyone's temporal fantasy. So you awaken to the truth and most likely you slammed the older man with something like, "There is more to me...You are just using me since you want to say all I want is your money...well that isn't all I want...I want more out of life! And it would have been nice to be with someone who genuinely loved me and treated me with respect. I am not responsible for your insecurities when it comes to dating or being with young women. Get over yourself and be the kind of man you claim to be!"
When he met you young woman, he knew you didn't have as much money as he, may not have owned or drove a fancy car, lived with roommates or alone, had debt possibly up to your eyeballs, yet you looked very attractive--far more better looking than other women he dated and youthful too. So he didn't want to pass up the opportunity when you gave it to him. Now he has second thoughts, third thoughts, and whatever other doubts about being with you. It is what it is, right? Now the ball is in your court, what to do? I think you know the answer to that question.
Here's to a successful future!
Nicholl McGuire
A young woman might pick up on some signs that an older man may not be sold out on dating her and may call the relationship off before he does. Here are some reasons that would make any woman (young or old) not want to continue dating a man insecure about the age gap.
1. He doesn't mention bringing you around family or friends.
Repeated conversations might have come up about family and friends yet he doesn't take you anywhere around these people. He might make promises to meet them one day, but somehow he finds a way to get out of making arrangements.
2. He avoids planning outings where you are both seen together by those he knows.
He knows how his favorite relatives and friends are going to react so to save himself and you the embarrassment he just doesn't find meeting them important at this time. Some men know they are not yet over exes and may be exposed on their lies, so rather than risk their young dates disconnecting from them, they will keep the keys to the truth hidden in this case people who know them well, family.
3. He prefers taking you to places that appear out of the way, distant.
Does your partner have something to hide? Bring up places you like to go repeatedly. Don't be shut down by his suggestions. If he doesn't make room for your input now, what makes you think he will later? You have a right to a good time with anyone you choose not to a hidden romance with possibly a controlling and manipulative person. So find out what is his reasons for putting off all your suggestions to visit together certain areas.
4. He often talks about how young you are.
Run. His view isn't going to change when you are 30 plus and active and he is 50 plus slowing down and not so active. He knows he shouldn't have opened that door up to a younger woman and most likely people around him are telling him he needs to find women his own age.
5. During disputes he comments, "You are stupid, act like child...why do I bother dating girls?"
Once again, he wanted to date you and now he complains about you. No one has time to diagnose a head case. Of course, you are going to act young, because your are YOUNG. And the opposite of young is old. He ought to act his age and stop with the name-calling. Say bye, Felicia!
6. He appears nervous and uncomfortable when you speak to others in his presence.
Is he worried that you might sound immature to his circle? Is he concerned you might talk too much? Is he ashamed of how much more intelligent you might be compared to him? Now how long is his negative demeanor supposed to last? Don't hold up your life for the man who doesn't feel comfortable in your presence--move on.
7. He acts confused, even rude, when you explain to him what your age group likes.
Of course he can't relate to a person 10 plus years younger if he doesn't bother reading or watching anything you and your group finds interesting. He is clueless! His age really begins to show when he starts talking about things from back in the day that you can't wrap your head around. Unless you and he are willing to find common ground, there will be none in personal interests, business, parenting, etc. Take a moment and research what it was like for him growing up, being a young man, and what he did during the age you are right now, you will learn a lot about why he carries the views he has about women, sex, communication, lifestyle, and more.
8. He often says things like, "You need to grow up! Are you wearing that?" it's as if he is pressuring you to act and dress older.
Once again he is showing just how much he is not on board with the age gap relationship. Rather than accepting it, he turns it into a father daughter connection. Ugh! Can we say, controlling!?
9. He starts to talk negatively about marriage and family and how much of a burden you and other people, places and things in his life are, we have a problem, Houston.
There is a lot said when nothing is said. Maybe he hasn't verbalized anything but his gradual disinterest says it all. Yet, if he has shared some mean-spirited comments about everything from who you are to parenting practices, it is safe to say he wants out. Some men should have never even entertained the thought of marriage and children for themselves--they are ill-equipped emotionally and physically. Not every man or woman is meant to be married and have children especially when they have a history of not wanting to be either/or.
Look back on the months and years being with the older man and you will see just how much he has changed. If he is a better person as a result of the marriage and family planning, bravo! But if he is nit-picking, complaining, and placing blame on you as well as other women including his own mother, time to redirect your attention to greener pasture. Men like this only get older and grumpier about their life choices.
10. He has made it plain that he doesn't like or love you for any number of reasons he has came up with and none has anything to do with the fact that he is older.
Of course, he has to find everything that is wrong with you and not him. He has to run from the fact that he had no business dating/marrying you in the first place. Most likely he was forewarned by loved ones early on that most age gap relationships don't last. They questioned him, "What do you want with that young woman?" And we all know what many older, single men or newly divorced ones want other than friendship, sex and to relive those days when they had a crush--aww, not! You weren't put on this planet to be anyone's temporal fantasy. So you awaken to the truth and most likely you slammed the older man with something like, "There is more to me...You are just using me since you want to say all I want is your money...well that isn't all I want...I want more out of life! And it would have been nice to be with someone who genuinely loved me and treated me with respect. I am not responsible for your insecurities when it comes to dating or being with young women. Get over yourself and be the kind of man you claim to be!"
When he met you young woman, he knew you didn't have as much money as he, may not have owned or drove a fancy car, lived with roommates or alone, had debt possibly up to your eyeballs, yet you looked very attractive--far more better looking than other women he dated and youthful too. So he didn't want to pass up the opportunity when you gave it to him. Now he has second thoughts, third thoughts, and whatever other doubts about being with you. It is what it is, right? Now the ball is in your court, what to do? I think you know the answer to that question.
Here's to a successful future!
Nicholl McGuire
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