Wednesday

His Family, Her Family Not Your Friends

Family is just that family.  They may act like friends at times, but those who have been there for you through it all are meant to protect you, advise you, love you, and do whatever else for you, but don't expect the same from your dating partner's family.

So many girlfriends and boyfriends enter into families expecting to receive the same, if not better, treatment from their partner's family.  They falsely assume that because they haven't been in any family wars with the in-laws that they will be treated like "one of the family."  This phrase sounds nice in movies, but the reality is that maybe one or two of your mate's relatives might be open to embracing you like calling or visiting the two of you and really taking interest in who you are (and not necessarily what you have), but not most of your future inlaws.  Therefore, they can't be trusted with private information about you or the status of your relationship with their loved one, so don't bother sharing deep feelings, whether written or verbal, because what you say might come back to haunt you one day.  For instance, don't say something like, "I love her with all my heart and I will do almost anything to make sure she stays happy with me."  Family won't forget.

When we feel comfortable around those "nice, polite," and "sweetheart" types of people, who don't appear like they could hurt a fly, we tend to talk too much.  Grandma may act kind and Grandpa might be cordial too, but they just might have a dark side.  Parents aren't always "cool" or "great to be around" so don't take the flattering statements too seriously.  Chances are there are some things that your mate really doesn't want his or her family to know about your relationship, faith, upbringing, job, and more.  It can be challenging to know what to say or what not to say when you don't talk to your mate about topics in advance.  You wouldn't want to go to your girlfriend's or boyfriend's parents' home joining in on a conversation about how your mate can't cook, doesn't like to clean, and was good for nothing as a child.  Imagine what the ride home will be like with your partner.  If your relatives are mean-spirited, angry, bitter or have some sort of mental condition, don't hide these things say so.  If your partner may not mesh very well with certain relatives then why bother bringing her or him to their setting?  If you know you don't like your family for one reason or another, then deal with those issues without bringing someone you love into your mess.  Warn him or her of those challenges you have with certain family members.

There are relatives who don't mind telling everyone all about you both good and bad.  You may not be ready to tell your mate everything about you, so it would make sense not to bring her or him around big mouth relatives until you are comfortable about discussing how you feel about things.  If you choose to procrastinate on certain issues, know that the big mouth relative will not hesitate to share information about your past, present and future the moment he or she is left alone with your mate.

Some couples will argue or defend favorite relatives by saying things like, "Well, that's not what she meant...I don't know why she said that, but she is really a great person...He isn't so bad."  But the truth is, most relatives and friends mean what they say, they don't need a public relations campaign for or against them.  They are not interested in making friends with your lover or many lovers, they are more concerned about getting to know who these people are who you claim you care about and whether or not one of them is a keeper or all are losers. 

One of the biggest mistakes you can make early on in your intimate relationship is to argue with your special someone about what a family member's feelings are concerning him or her.  People usually can detect whether feelings behind one's smile are genuine or fake, so when a mate communicates, "I don't believe your mom really likes me..." after several times of being around her, most likely she doesn't.

Naive, gullible people who are more concerned about impressing people, rather than studying them, will assume that everyone likes them and wants to be their friend, but let us be reminded that family are just family.  They are more concerned about a loved one's happiness then being best buddies, so be mindful of what you say to them.

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

When the Truth Hurts: How Long Do You Think Your Mate Will Keep Your Interest?

So the reality hits the older man like a ton of bricks being with the younger woman has been one of the many things he has done during his mid-life crisis that at times he regrets.  Meanwhile, the younger woman has come to the realization that family and friends were right, she sincerely wanted a father figure in her life.  So now that their harsh truths are staring them both in the face, now what?  End the relationship?  Not so fast.  There are some feelings and possibly a child or two as a result of them being together.  One can focus on the truth and plan an escape or learn from it while using it to build a better relationship with a stronger foundation. 

Just how long a relationship will last between an enlightened mature man and a younger woman really can't be determined.  It all depends on what they truly want from one another.  Is longevity a possibility?  Well if both look at the relationship as something that is very necessary to help them emotionally, physically and possibly spiritually so be it.  But if one is carrying on with his or her partner, with frequent thoughts of break up, then it won't be long before those thoughts will manifest out of one's mouth.

Like a job, relationships must have dedicated parties who have a single objective that both can agree upon, the couple might desire to stay together by saying something like, "I seek a position in your life with the intentions on staying with you no matter what."  Without a strong decree that both can live by and return to when trials come up, the relationship is on shaky ground.  Both parties have to be willing to stay committed.  If one notices that the other is not on board and is attempting to push him or her out of his or her life prematurely, one is starting a war that he or she may not be prepared to battle especially if this person still loves his or her partner.  The individual who no longer believes in the relationship has to go through a break up process.  It took some time to start a relationship and it will take some time to end it.  Of course, disputes, name-calling and disrespect will cause individuals to act more quickly, but much damage may result particularly when children, material wealth and other things are involved.

You can find ways to stay interested in your younger or older partner if you both want to still remain together.  But if one does and the other doesn't, don't waste your time, begin your process toward freedom, seeking needed time for self while creating a future that welcomes someone in your life that does want to be with you.  The following are ways to keep love alive for those who have looked beyond the early reasons as to why they got together, and are now seeking some new reasons as to why they should stay together.  They include:

1.  Planning outings together and apart.  Consider taking some time together and away from one another to think about what this person means to you and what you can do to better your relationship.
2.  Watching romantic movies and listening to loving music together can also rekindle romance.
3.  Church attendance, praying together and participating in bible studies or other positive group settings  will bring you closer to your Creator which will ultimately help you make wise decisions.
4.  Traveling to new places locally and elsewhere.  You never know what new things you will discover about your mate if you are getting out and about.
5.  Relocating.  Sometimes environments can cause unnecessary stress on the relationship like living in cramped spaces or a chaotic neighborhood.
6.  Counseling.  Whether relationship, individual or spiritual, it helps to free yourself from past emotional ties, generational curses, etc. that keep you from going in a positive direction both personally and professionally.
7.  Socializing with family and friends.  Creating events that include positive family and friends who are in support of the two of you being together or visiting good role models who have quality relationships.
8.  Tackling a "To Do" List.  Sometimes the stress we experience in a relationship has nothing to do with the person, but everything to do with things we are not doing but we promised ourselves we would do.  Putting off health appointments, not exercising or eating healthy, avoiding necessary paperwork regarding business issues, not cleaning or organizing one's home, and procrastinating on other issues will not make you the best person to be around.  When a problem keeps coming up in your mind, body, spirit, or environment, you deal with it, don't look at your partner!

Nicholl McGuire

Think of some other things you could do to keep love alive, stress down, and overall live a little while longer!

Wednesday

A Desire to Meet the Needs of the Little Girl/ Little Boy Within

Some mature older men don’t know what they are getting themselves into when choosing to date someone 10 plus years younger. He doesn’t realize that there are many young women in this world with little girls inside of them that need their father’s attention. No matter what he does, the mature, older man cannot fill the void. The little girl within desires a father figure, someone who can tend to her needs, but her father failed her during childhood when he gave her no attention, affection or communication. Dad left his little girl out in the cold with a desire to be loved and deemed worthy in someone's eyes.

An often busy father, who is emotionally unavailable and who doesn’t bother to figure out his own issues in life, recreates another unhappy mini-me. Most likely, his own father wasn’t there for him, so somehow in his mind he reasons, “It’s okay;” therefore, he repeats the cycle. No communication plus no affection equals no relationship--it’s just that simple! Children need the attention and affection of both parents. Otherwise, they go through life seeking fulfillment in things like: sex, a baby, a partner, religion or something else. A child turned adult who still desires a relationship with a certain parent tends to make unwise decisions centered on those unfulfilled needs. In time,  he or she is abusing substances to fill the void while having many regrets.

An older man dating a younger woman is not expected to be everything to a younger woman and shouldn’t put himself in that position either. Some older men falsely assume that if they give their younger partners everything they want that the relationship will be okay. Unfortunately, things without human affection and communication do nothing more than impede progress. Rather than focusing on two human beings building a relationship together, the couple are talking or arguing about selfish needs and wants, “I need for you to be...I want you to do...Why can't I get you to see...?”

An older man must recognize the needs of a younger woman, but at the same time refrain from being a father figure to her. Even if she says, “You act like my dad…” be sure that you are not purposely performing like her dad, because you might believe you are helping out the little girl within. The little girl remains inside the younger woman as long as she continues to nurture her and give her everything that she never had; however, that little girl can also turn into a spoiled girl who lacks self-control, discipline, and just might cause a firestorm of problems in the relationship if left un-checked.

The younger woman has to come to a point in her life to let the little girl go. She will be much happier if she doesn’t keep reliving the past through people, places and things. She may even have to go so far as to make peace with the fact that her father is not ever going to look at the mistakes he has made over the years, make peace with her, and do what’s right for the remaining part of his life. It’s unfortunate, but some men will never change no matter how much you do or not do for them.

An older man must be wise when relating to the fatherless younger woman and not only listen, but address his younger partner’s concerns while reminding her, “I’m not your dad. I love you and will do the best I can to help you, but remember I am not your dad.”

There are some older men that have many issues that they are grappling with because they too have a little person within who desires a mother or father’s attention. Some mature men have a history of dating older women because they wanted a mother figure, because they lacked a relationship with their own mothers. Some date younger because they want to do all the things they didn’t get to do when they were in their youth. These men falsely assume that tapping into the fountain of youth, so to speak, will make them feel good about living. They learn quickly that no matter who they date, young or old, rich or poor, no one can give the little boy within them peace. They too must learn to let go of their boyish desires and focus on being the man that they were destined to be.

Letting go of the little girl or little boy within us is something that most people who become adults don’t realize they are feeding until they go through a series of relationship trials. Eventually those, who have learned the hard way, reach a conclusion that something within them is very much wrong. The little person inside could be any of the following: often dissatisfied in personal and professional relationships, emotionally detached, angry, bitter, jealous, or having some other emotional issue. If anyone of these issues describe you, you might want to start a process of cleansing one’s closet of emotions beginning with taking down all those childhood things that you might have displayed around your room, office and elsewhere. Reminding yourself daily about your childhood will not help you grow; rather, you will find that you are not permitting yourself to mature because you fear you might lose something if you should let go of your little person within. There is no guarantee that you will start to feel okay as you embark on this journey to free yourself childhood woes, but it is a start.

You and that one you are with will also have to stop looking back. For example, your young partner might think that going back home to mom and dad will bring peace when times are rough, but most often it doesn’t; rather the young woman only feeds the little girl she is supposed to be ridding herself of. It is rare that people change. Rather than experiencing true freedom, the young woman finds herself opening up old wounds the longer she stays with parents. If you no longer have your parents, but inherited a host of emotional issues, you might consider letting go of relics, keepsakes and other mementos that are not aiding you emotionally or physically. Sometimes things we hold on to of others only set us back. Somehow we feel like we must take responsibility for all that comes with those things.

If you have a faith, you know you are called to be free not to be burdened by others’ issues. So if a person, place or thing doesn’t help you, say goodbye. Another thing you or your loved one might want to consider is limiting phone calls when it comes to connecting with those who have hurt you in the past and have no interest in changing either ie.) parents, relatives and childhood friends. Those who are closest to you can hinder you emotionally, spiritually etc. and eventually impact your relationship negatively. It is very hard to let go of that little person within if you keep permitting her or him to call a critical relative or friend every time an issue comes up in your relationship, at work, church, or elsewhere. Is it really necessary to get parents involved? Does your sibling really care about who you are with and whether you two make it?

Finally, think about all those things that you wear, say, and do that have a direct connection to childhood. From gaming devices to dolls, the more you collect, whether for yourself or through a child, the more you keep the little girl and boy within alive. When childhood desires affect your well-being, your personal relationships, and other important areas of your life, you have to say, “I love you little girl/boy inside of me, but it is time for us to part our ways. I give you to the Almighty Creator and in his arms you will be safe.” Visualize a picture of yourself from childhood being placed in the arms of your creator and he/she ascending to heaven. At first, your little person within will be happy to be free from miserable you, but he/she might find a way to come back if you continue to do the things that keep him/her close to you.

To some, you might find the little girl or little boy concept a bit strange, but I can assure you that it is what affects many relationships and prevents them from growing. Who wants to be with a grown man who has boyish issues or who wants to be with a grown woman who still has little girl daddy woes? Start the journey and let the little people within go so that you can have a healthy, functional relationship!

Nicholl McGuire recorded her thoughts on the Sugar Baby, Sugar Daddy relationship and shares insight here.

Tuesday

The Irritable Male Syndrome, Why Midlife Men Turn Mean

I couldn't help but share the following links, because in my experience being around older men, I have found that at a certain point in their lives usually 40 plus, many become easily irritated and downright mean.  Some simply can't help themselves, while others know how they are behaving, but  don't care or quickly find excuses for their short responses and anger outbursts.

There is nothing nice or sweet about a middle-aged man who is often mean-spirited at home, but totally different at his workplace.  However, in time, the two worlds will collide and unfortunately there will be no winners in the end.  The tempermental often forgetful man may lose his job, family, friends, and more as a result of his fluctuating hormones due to things like:  a lack of exercise, poor eating habits, and an avoidance of vitamins, herbal remedies, or prescription medicines for his conditions. 

If you are an older man who is suffering with forgetfulness, moodiness, erectile dysfunction, hot flashes, and more, get some help.  If you are with someone like this, make up in your mind whether you are going to direct him to some assistance and support him through these challenging times or leave.  But whatever you do, don't Labor to Love an Abusive Mate!  Click on the links.

The Irritable Male Syndrome, Why Midlife Men Turn Mean

BBC - Newsbeat - Health - Age gap relationships: Good or bad?

It all depends on who you ask.  Read more:

BBC - Newsbeat - Health - Age gap relationships: Good or bad?

Most Older Men Don't Want the Younger Woman, He Just Likes to Flirt

Can you tell the difference between an older man who is simply flirting with no strings attached and one who is very interested in dating a younger woman?  Some women can't tell while some men couldn't care less--that is unless the young woman is his daughter.  There are those young women who falsely assume that any man who visits the drive thru window at a fast food restaurant one too many times in a day to order something with a smile on their faces are interested in them.  Others worry that certain men who talk or laugh too long would like to date.  The thought for some young women never crosses their mind, the mature man has someone already and is just being nice.

When one is desperate for attention, believes that she can gain something (for nothing) or hopes to find that partner to complete her through a moment of laughter and a wink, she appears weak and silly.  Some men like to travel the same route everyday going to and from work, eat at the same restaurant, or shop at the same store.  Their frequent visits doesn't always mean he wants the young woman taking his order or ringing the cash register even though their are some men who do these things hoping to make a connection.

A young woman, who mistakes a friendly exchange as something more, might flirt with the mature man, inquire about his personal life, or assume that he might be "the one."  Some men, who don't clearly draw the line, will fall for that young woman and eventually destroy their families.  So much lost all because a series of friendly encounters grew into a temptation with dire consequences.

Young women as well as older men must pay attention to what signs they might be sending to one another.  Mature unavailable men, consider changing up routines when you see that certain women are beginning to act in ways that say, "I'm interested."  Single young women, be mindful of that flirtacious male's wedding band, photographs, the children riding in his car, the presence of a woman now and then walking or riding with him, or references he makes about "my wife...my family...my girlfriend."  Put yourself in his shoes, would you break up your family for a lover?

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry

Deception: When the pretty woman, nice man turns ugly

Don't ever feel so comfortable with an older man that you, younger woman, feel as if you can let yourself go.  And older man, don't feel that a younger woman will stick around just because you promise to take care of her while pretending you are taking care of yourself.  In both situations, you will be found out sooner or later! 

Most experts will tell you that men are visual creatures who like to look at attractive women.  Well, I will have to say that women like to look at nice looking men too, but beauty isn't high on our list.  We can date unattractive men as long as they have other things that attract us to them like a nice body, voice, intelligent, kind, caring, etc.  With that said, a younger woman who thinks that she can go from a 10 to a 5 while dating an older man who she feels comfortable with is going to find herself in trouble one day like an ugly, nice man thinking that it's okay to start acting mean now that he has the pretty woman.

How you begin a dating relationship is going to set the foundation for the future.  People lose interest quickly when the packaged goods is not what they expected they would be once they have invested in them.  If the younger woman advertises, "Fun and sexy with no strings attached."  What do you think that older man who stumbles across her profile is going to want from the day he meets her and beyond?  So a future of marriage, not likely, if she so desires that kind of relationship with him one day.  If the younger woman displays an ad that says, "Christian single seeking an older man who loves God..." She is going to expect that older man to have a faith and attend church with her.  Now if he starts going to the club or bar, the relationship is over. 

We must be careful what messages we convey to others especially if we are seeking our ideal mate.  We also have to be willing to keep up with our image as best we can.  The people who have the hardest time maintaining who they are and what they represent are those who are not sincerely what they claim to be.  If the older man claims that he is active and outgoing in the beginning of th dating relationship, yet when he starts dating the younger woman, she discovers he is the total opposite of what he says, the younger woman is going to feel deceived and call him out on his false advertising.  Why lie or cover who you really are?  Why point the finger back at someone when busted in a lie?

The best advice anyone can take from this blog entry is to be on your best behavior while dating, but also stay true to who you are!  One shouldn't have to find out the hard way that someone sold them a bag of goods just to get immediate needs met.  The pretty woman should stay pretty for as long as she can.  The ugly man should stay nice for as long as he can.  Don't change the script, so to speak, without telling your date in advance so that he or she won't be shocked.  Far too many women wear fake items to enhance their beauty and far too many older men take medicines that make their bodies behave in ways that are unreal.  Once all the glitz and glamour and male enhancements wear off, you are left with your true self!  Now who is deceiving who?

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

What Does Age Have to Do With It?

So many looks, comments, eye rolls, and more just because someone decides to date younger, a different ethnicity, religion, or income bracket (sigh).  When will people learn that there is more to life than their personal experiences?  When will people understand that not everyone desires "to stick with their own kind."  Most people who have all sorts of hang ups with what others are doing intimately unfortunately don't have a satisfying life.  They are either secretly jealous because they can't be with someone that looks even half as fine as the person you are with.  They are bitter because they have to work long hours while their mate doesn't bother to do much in the area of finances.  The reasons are simply endless as to why people, who are typically bored in their own relationships, feel the need to want to negatively contribute to the lives of others.  So how do you keep your head above water so that you are not that one who is alone, jealous, and simply mad that you messed up a good thing because you took advice from a negative individual?

One.  Avoid getting mixed up with narrow-minded people who have a twisted mentality when it comes to love, dating, etc.  It doesn't matter whether this person is your mother or your best friend, don't listen to someone who cares more about voicing his or her out-dated, ignorant opinions than your personal happiness.  The strongest relationships survive because they keep busybodies out!

Two.  Don't take yourself, faith, political view, children, job, or anything else so seriously to the point that you miss out on cultivating a great relationship with your partner.  If your children, your job and everything else mean the world to you, then you need not look to be in a relationship for long.  Intimate relationships thrive on attention and when a partner sees that everyone and everything else is more important, he or she will start thinking about the grass being greener on the other side.  It doesn't matter how young, cute, physically fit, or how much money you have, if you don't have time to emotionally and physically connect with your partner then you don't have time for a relationship.

Three.  Bring more than meets the eye to your relationship.  There are plenty of people in this world that have flashy, nice, sexy, good, exciting things that they care for, drive, build, and do much with, but after awhile things get old.  Look beyond what you see.  Is there a man or woman in front of you that has more going on besides what they wear and what they do?  Part of being in a relationship is discovering the wonderful truths about a person along with how might you be able to help your loved one with the not-so nice stuff. 

In closing, do think about the things that make you want to be with your mate beyond this year--that's right plan for the future.  What kind of person is this that is worth your time and affection?  Are your feelings being reciprocated?  Is there someone else who you think would be a better match?  Why are you in a relationship with this person?  When you can answer questions like this and more, then you know you are on a path toward a committed, serious relationship.  But if you  find yourself turned off with questions like these or avoid them, then you are not ready to settle down.  It would be best to communicate your feelings to your partner only if you believe your mate is hoping for something more with you.  But if you aren't completely sure about your feelings, don't say anything until you are prepared for the consequences--good or bad.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Wednesday

A List of Older Dating Younger in Entertainment Industry

Recently, Hugh Hefner at 86 gets married to Crystal Harris 26 years, see here.  Despite what we might think the reasoning behind their nuptials, it appears the couple is happy.  Many others in the entertainment industry have done the same.  Check out this list.
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