Wednesday

A Desire to Meet the Needs of the Little Girl/ Little Boy Within

Some mature older men don’t know what they are getting themselves into when choosing to date someone 10 plus years younger. He doesn’t realize that there are many young women in this world with little girls inside of them that need their father’s attention. No matter what he does, the mature, older man cannot fill the void. The little girl within desires a father figure, someone who can tend to her needs, but her father failed her during childhood when he gave her no attention, affection or communication. Dad left his little girl out in the cold with a desire to be loved and deemed worthy in someone's eyes.

An often busy father, who is emotionally unavailable and who doesn’t bother to figure out his own issues in life, recreates another unhappy mini-me. Most likely, his own father wasn’t there for him, so somehow in his mind he reasons, “It’s okay;” therefore, he repeats the cycle. No communication plus no affection equals no relationship--it’s just that simple! Children need the attention and affection of both parents. Otherwise, they go through life seeking fulfillment in things like: sex, a baby, a partner, religion or something else. A child turned adult who still desires a relationship with a certain parent tends to make unwise decisions centered on those unfulfilled needs. In time,  he or she is abusing substances to fill the void while having many regrets.

An older man dating a younger woman is not expected to be everything to a younger woman and shouldn’t put himself in that position either. Some older men falsely assume that if they give their younger partners everything they want that the relationship will be okay. Unfortunately, things without human affection and communication do nothing more than impede progress. Rather than focusing on two human beings building a relationship together, the couple are talking or arguing about selfish needs and wants, “I need for you to be...I want you to do...Why can't I get you to see...?”

An older man must recognize the needs of a younger woman, but at the same time refrain from being a father figure to her. Even if she says, “You act like my dad…” be sure that you are not purposely performing like her dad, because you might believe you are helping out the little girl within. The little girl remains inside the younger woman as long as she continues to nurture her and give her everything that she never had; however, that little girl can also turn into a spoiled girl who lacks self-control, discipline, and just might cause a firestorm of problems in the relationship if left un-checked.

The younger woman has to come to a point in her life to let the little girl go. She will be much happier if she doesn’t keep reliving the past through people, places and things. She may even have to go so far as to make peace with the fact that her father is not ever going to look at the mistakes he has made over the years, make peace with her, and do what’s right for the remaining part of his life. It’s unfortunate, but some men will never change no matter how much you do or not do for them.

An older man must be wise when relating to the fatherless younger woman and not only listen, but address his younger partner’s concerns while reminding her, “I’m not your dad. I love you and will do the best I can to help you, but remember I am not your dad.”

There are some older men that have many issues that they are grappling with because they too have a little person within who desires a mother or father’s attention. Some mature men have a history of dating older women because they wanted a mother figure, because they lacked a relationship with their own mothers. Some date younger because they want to do all the things they didn’t get to do when they were in their youth. These men falsely assume that tapping into the fountain of youth, so to speak, will make them feel good about living. They learn quickly that no matter who they date, young or old, rich or poor, no one can give the little boy within them peace. They too must learn to let go of their boyish desires and focus on being the man that they were destined to be.

Letting go of the little girl or little boy within us is something that most people who become adults don’t realize they are feeding until they go through a series of relationship trials. Eventually those, who have learned the hard way, reach a conclusion that something within them is very much wrong. The little person inside could be any of the following: often dissatisfied in personal and professional relationships, emotionally detached, angry, bitter, jealous, or having some other emotional issue. If anyone of these issues describe you, you might want to start a process of cleansing one’s closet of emotions beginning with taking down all those childhood things that you might have displayed around your room, office and elsewhere. Reminding yourself daily about your childhood will not help you grow; rather, you will find that you are not permitting yourself to mature because you fear you might lose something if you should let go of your little person within. There is no guarantee that you will start to feel okay as you embark on this journey to free yourself childhood woes, but it is a start.

You and that one you are with will also have to stop looking back. For example, your young partner might think that going back home to mom and dad will bring peace when times are rough, but most often it doesn’t; rather the young woman only feeds the little girl she is supposed to be ridding herself of. It is rare that people change. Rather than experiencing true freedom, the young woman finds herself opening up old wounds the longer she stays with parents. If you no longer have your parents, but inherited a host of emotional issues, you might consider letting go of relics, keepsakes and other mementos that are not aiding you emotionally or physically. Sometimes things we hold on to of others only set us back. Somehow we feel like we must take responsibility for all that comes with those things.

If you have a faith, you know you are called to be free not to be burdened by others’ issues. So if a person, place or thing doesn’t help you, say goodbye. Another thing you or your loved one might want to consider is limiting phone calls when it comes to connecting with those who have hurt you in the past and have no interest in changing either ie.) parents, relatives and childhood friends. Those who are closest to you can hinder you emotionally, spiritually etc. and eventually impact your relationship negatively. It is very hard to let go of that little person within if you keep permitting her or him to call a critical relative or friend every time an issue comes up in your relationship, at work, church, or elsewhere. Is it really necessary to get parents involved? Does your sibling really care about who you are with and whether you two make it?

Finally, think about all those things that you wear, say, and do that have a direct connection to childhood. From gaming devices to dolls, the more you collect, whether for yourself or through a child, the more you keep the little girl and boy within alive. When childhood desires affect your well-being, your personal relationships, and other important areas of your life, you have to say, “I love you little girl/boy inside of me, but it is time for us to part our ways. I give you to the Almighty Creator and in his arms you will be safe.” Visualize a picture of yourself from childhood being placed in the arms of your creator and he/she ascending to heaven. At first, your little person within will be happy to be free from miserable you, but he/she might find a way to come back if you continue to do the things that keep him/her close to you.

To some, you might find the little girl or little boy concept a bit strange, but I can assure you that it is what affects many relationships and prevents them from growing. Who wants to be with a grown man who has boyish issues or who wants to be with a grown woman who still has little girl daddy woes? Start the journey and let the little people within go so that you can have a healthy, functional relationship!

Nicholl McGuire recorded her thoughts on the Sugar Baby, Sugar Daddy relationship and shares insight here.

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