Stay or Breakup - When the Younger or Older Date May Not Want a Relationship Anymore

Age gap dating.  You thought you could stick it out, but he is just too old or she is just too young.  You didn't think much about this before, but now there are things he or she is saying or doing that make you think twice about continuing an age gap relationship.  Chances are your well-meaning relatives warn you of times like these, but you said, "Age ain't nothing but a number." Sure.

To stay or break up?  You probably thought about the following:

1)  If I stay I could remain in what could be a potentially great relationship when I'm older.

2)  If I stay my partner might change into the man or woman of my dreams.

3)  If I stay, he or she might be a great dad or mom to my future offspring.

4)  If I stay, I might be well taken care of and continue to feel safe for a long time with him or her.

5)  If I stay, we might acquire much in our lifetimes and I won't have to worry so much. 

But if I break up...

1)  I will be free to date other men or women closer to my age.

2)  I won't have to be concerned about having children one day.

3)  I won't wrestle so much with feelings related to the age gap any longer.

4)  I won't have to take care of him in the future since it appears his health is declining. 

I won't have to worry that she will run off and be with someone more healthier and fit.

5)  I won't have to keep up with his requests and demands because he assumes I'm younger so I can handle them.

I won't have to keep up with this young woman's requests and demands, because I am too old for this---been there, done that!

These thoughts are just some of many that might go through a woman or man's mind who is contemplating on staying or breaking up.  If an older partner doesn't know or refuses to talk about the issues, the break up is inevitable.  If the younger woman has a nonchalant attitude about these issues when discussed, the mature gentleman will want to break up with her sooner rather than later.  

One will need to look at what is driving the negative thoughts.  Did he or she view media that made him or her think about these things?  Did someone talk to a partner and raise doubts?  Has future plans changed that doesn't include a partner?  Have there been so many disagreements lately that may be causing discord?  Do both people feel like there are not enough things they have in common with one another to sustain the relationship?

Whatever the issues, there is nothing wrong with looking inwardly at what you really want from the relationship.  In any relationship, whether age gap or not, people change.  Some couples grow weary of one another because there was never any solid foundation between the pair from the start.  The older gentleman or younger woman could have been a rebound from a past relationship that left he or she heartbroken.  Therefore, the new partner was a nice distraction from the past pain, but didn't do much more than that emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically.  

The age gap pair could have developed a trauma bound because they had more negative in common than positive when they shared experiences.  They may have been great friends that thought having a sexual relationship would be a good idea only to find out they should have remained platonic friends. 

Decide what it is that you truly want out of your life, before discussing whether you want to stay or break up with a partner.  Ask yourself the following:

1)  Have I begun to work on or accomplish my dreams since being with this person?

2)  Is this person a great support in helping me reach my life goals or does he or she look for ways to talk me out of doing things I thoroughly enjoy?  (If you don't have any goals start writing them.)

3)  By next Valentine's Day, what did we accomplish together that bettered our relationship?

4)  When this person comes around me or when they call me, do I feel content to hear his or her voice or does this person simply annoy me and I can't wait to get away from her or him?

5)  Can I honestly say that I love this person not just what they do for me or the kind words they say to me?

6)  Do I feel proud being out in public with this person or do I look for ways to avoid inviting this person to go out with me? 

7)  Can I see myself with this person 5, 10, or even 15 plus years from now?  Why or why not?

If you answered most of these questions with negative responses and you really have no desire to do anything different, it is safe to say that maybe this person isn't right for you regardless of his or her age.  

Whenever positives outweigh the negatives in any relationship and there is no way of resolving them, this is when the hard decisions will need to be made.  Two people must be willing to work together on the issues rather than frequently arguing about them. 

Think about this, if you honestly believe your relationship is a dead-end headed nowhere, why continue to be unavailable to that one person (somewhere in this world) who really wants to be with you while being available to that one person who doesn't complete you and appears to care less about you?

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

5 Signs Your Relationship Won't Survive Their Porn Addiction

When an Older Partner is Not as Nice-Looking as He Once Was - Stay Positive

Age gap dating, the challenge of getting older (sigh).  For the younger woman, his lines, age marks, wrinkles, and gray hair came way too fast since their first encounter. 

The day you, who are much younger, realized your guy was old, maybe a lot older than you, he may have been shocking to view without his beauty aides, but you kept quiet.  "Where did time go?  What or who had I been looking at all this time?" you might have thought.  He could have thought the same about you too (but I digress).

When dating someone older or married to a person decades older, it is very easy to see what you like about him or her when they are still relatively attractive.  However, time isn't always kind to everyone especially when we age and now what was once appealing isn't.  If your relationship was built on looks, well you might want to start looking for other things you like about that individual other than superficial things as soon as possible.  It is only a matter of time that your older partner will notice that you just aren't that into him like you once were.

Appreciate his great personality.  This doesn't seem to go anywhere when one is still full of energy despite his looks.  Some older people, no matter what the life challenges may be, still manage to thrive.  There is still hope for a relationship when the person works to maintain that shimmering personality.  So close your eyes and embrace all that positive energy he offers!

Share a zest for life.  People who enjoy life, seek all sorts of ways to stay engaged and active.  Check to see that your gentleman is doing just that.  However, if one is turning into a miserable, older person, who doesn't see anything good from one day to the next, this will not only steal what little youthful look he might still have, but cause you to often dream of running away.  Therefore, encourage him to regain his youth, not by living vicariously through you, but enjoying all that life has to offer for himself.

Learn a thing or two about his finances.  He works hard and knows how to manage his money or so you hope.  He has plans and you just might be a part of those plans in the future--good for you both!  Yes, as much as we don't want to look at how much money one makes, it's going to be a challenge when the individual is no longer providing a lavish lifestyle for himself and no one else.  You can be a beacon of light by offering suggestions on saving money rather than spending up his money every chance you get (maybe your not like this, but just in case you have been).  He may not be that attractive anymore, but he knows that his money might still be.  He need not be irresponsible with it to keep you, capice?

Take interest in his hobbies.  Anyone who enjoys doing something other than a partner, well that is awesome!  So this guy has a hobby that is interesting and you could even be a part of helping with his hobby.  If it is reasonable and more, well it doesn't hurt to take interest and ask questions.  He just might be impressed.

Work out.  So things go downhill on the outside, but they don't have to on the inside!  You just might find the mature guy a bit more attractive when you see that body moving weight around or running on the treadmill rather than remaining sedentary for hours.  He might even say, "Not only am I doing this for me, but for you, Babe!"  How sweet!  The gentleman might find you even more attractive because he sees that you care about your body too! 

So you see, there is more than meets the eye!  You can have a great relationship with a guy who unfortunately is having his share of challenges in the looks department.  But when he has all these other wonderful attributes, who cares about looks?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.  Check online wherever books are sold.

Interracial Relationship Frustrations in Time of Crisis

Dating Tips - Deal Breakers with a Bible Influence

When a Partner Stops Caring

You are not your partner's mother, father...so don't try to be

Home for the Holidays - Andropause - Irritable Male Syndrome meet Menopause

Why You Don't Get Involved with Someone Older, Younger

There are life lessons to be learned the hard way when it comes to dating older and younger.  Some things you simply don't learn by someone cautioning you, you end up discovering why they warned you in the first place much later in life.  You most likely heard the following:

"She is just too young for you.  What do you think is going to happen when you are like 50 and she is like 25?"  Life lesson:  She isn't that interested in you and thinks you are controlling.

"He is too old for you.  Besides think about how old he will be when your child is a teenager?"  Life lesson:  He parents more like a grandparent--he spoils the child.  He doesn't care much what the child does.

"Why would you want to date someone so young? Is it because you just can't seem to find anyone who will put up with your immaturity?"  Life lesson:  She is so immature.  What was I thinking?

"I told you not to get with someone older, now he can't do for you...he is boring and tired!"  Life lesson: Looks like you will be taking care of a senior citizen who has now retired from his job.

Those of us, who have dated older for decades and experienced our share of heartache multiple times, most likely wouldn't do it all over again if given the chance.  There is a delusion one has that he or she will always be young whether you are the older one or your partner is the younger one wishing you will always look like your younger looking self.

So you go all in, in a new relationship, hoping that it will work this time.  He is older, more patient, kind, considerate...than the last one but remember, he is older.  She is younger, sweeter, and more attractive than the last one, but she is younger.  What the aging process teaches us is what we see today is not what is going to be tomorrow.

The older gentleman may not be as attentive to you like he was in the beginning of the relationship.  He may not want to experience intimacy in the way you had envisioned it.  He also may not enjoy what you like because he doesn't have the energy like he once did.  The younger woman is not going to always be naïve, bubbly, and patient.  She also is not going to always be understanding about the older man wanting to "protect" his finances.  Her family is going to ask her one day, "What exactly does he want with you?  Why are you wasting time with him when there are so many more attractive men your own age out there?"

No one should get involved with someone older or younger for shallow reasons, but they do!  You know those reasons like, "She is so mature for her age.  He is so mature for his...not like those other guys."  Those reasons don't nurture nor sustain the relationship.  You have to be involved with someone because you genuinely like/love, respect, and see yourself with him or her for the rest of your lives.  You love through thick and thin. You teach one another how you want to be treated.  You communicate the good, bad and ugly and avoid the verbal or non-verbal immature attacks.  A younger woman is not going to keep stroking her older partner's ego especially if he doesn't have the time or patience to stroke hers.  There is more to a relationship besides fancy trips and cool gifts.  An older man isn't going to remain interested in a young lady if all he seems to get from her is beauty and sex.

You don't involve yourself with a younger or older partner if you know you just can't keep up with his or her pace whether that is in or out of the bedroom.  Lovers feel jaded when their needs aren't being met.  The excuses get old.  Conversation can grow boring and so can daily routines.  If you don't have the energy to spice things up, why are you in a relationship again?  If you don't have the mental capacity to take just one more thing coming out of your young partner's mouth?  Why are you in a relationship again?

Relationships don't get easier with age, they get harder particularly when you haven't grown old together.  This is why it is best to stick to your own age and settle down with someone you have more in common with and who understands what season in life you are in.  It is not fair to keep someone in your life just because he or she is older or younger.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and the owner of this blog.

On Growing Up - professional, spiritual, parenting

The Excuses Abusive People Make to Get You to Perform Sexually

The Commitment that You Hope, Wish, Pray For

Test Whether a Date is Trustworthy

Sometimes dating is far more difficult than it should be simply because dates are not honest with themselves or others.  In order to learn whether someone is trust worthy, you will need to put them through some tests.

1)  Place money in a spot and notice whether your date will take it without mentioning that it is there.

2)  Share seemingly private information to a date and notice whether he or she will carry that information to a mutual friend.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

3)  Tell your date something strange or embarrassing and add, “I don’t want my mother to know.”  Then take your date to meet your mother.  Visit with Mom or parents for awhile and find out later if your date shared anything personal about you to them.  No matter how silly it was or even made up, your date has showed he or she can’t be trusted with valuable information.  You can test your date again this time visiting a chatty friend and notice whether he or she mentions something private about you.

4)  Leave your phone out with no privacy settings.  Will your date take a look?  Set up a hidden camera.

5)  Set one of your bedroom drawers in such a way where you purposely leave something hanging out.  Inside the drawer leave an old wallet or change purse and see if any of the contents were checked or removed.

6)  Set an envelope out in the open that says “confidential,” will your date ask you about it or wait until you leave and check it.

7)  Send your date to pick up something from a store using a debit card you don’t have much money on.  Specifically state a dollar amount your date is permitted to spend, will he or she spend more than what you told him or her?  Worse, will he or she fail to get you what you want and come back with something else for self!

With tips like these, you will easily be able to determine your date’s level of trustworthiness.  Most people who fail a few or more of these tests are usually selfish, dishonest and manipulative.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She’s Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.  

The Isolated, Controlled Young Victim (Woman)

She didn’t realize she had isolated herself from family and friends until she stopped hearing the phone ring.

The older gentlemen didn’t fully comprehend what he had done when he told his Significant Younger Other things like: “Stay home with me sometime…”, “You go out too much,” “Miss you,” “Can’t get enough of you…”  When the young woman dismissed what he had said, questioned, or ignored his concerns, he punished her with silent treatment for weeks.  He understood somewhat that his guilt-tripping her was upsetting.  However, he felt justified in doing so because he didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when she was gone away.  Further, he didn’t like her reasons for wanting to enjoy herself without him periodically.

In time, she learned how to do what he wanted to “keep the peace,” “to keep him from giving her the cold shoulder,” and “to get along, because the stress wasn’t worth it.”  The victim believed she was compromising and building a healthy relationship, but was she?

The controlling man had won!  Although at times the victim felt alone, confused, and didn’t feel like she could do anything right, she shrugged her emotions off.  The concerns about her leaving grew into other issues the older man felt he needed to manage.  He wanted her to be more generous with her finances.  Then the abuser expected her to meet household needs like: grocery shopping and cleaning.  While his demands increased, her self-esteem decreased.

Isolation keeps others from knowing exactly what is going on in one’s relationship.  A victim learns to grow dependent on her controller and less independent.  Insecure abusers, who also have low self-esteem, feel a sense of importance when they are able to manipulate their victims into giving up their freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Young Women: The Pretty Boy will Play You Even if He is Older

When will some young and old women learn?  The pretty boy (or once pretty boy) has been well-trained by other attractive individuals on how to benefit from those men and women who aren’t as appealing as he.  The strategy: to use his handsome appearance to get what he wants.  The unattractive targets need not be concerned about your wants just be glad you were able to catch his eye.  Terrible attitude the pretty boy has, but with such good looks why be concerned with attitude? In his eyes, you should be d@mn grateful to even be in the same room with him!  

When you come from a family of beautiful and handsome men and women, most likely those in the group have repeatedly encouraged you and other family members to connect with someone who is just as attractive if not more.  In so many ways, they tell you, "Don't bring any ugly people around here!"  So older might fall under the ugly category if you don't keep your looks up.  So shallow conceited people are, but you don't have to date/sex/marry them!

Let’s face it, stunning men and women don’t come around often, and when they do, oftentimes most not-so appealing people will want to talk, date, or have a fling with them.  This is why some older men don't care if a hottie has 10 boyfriends in addition to him, all some gentlemen care about is how "fine," "sexy" or "young" she is and when can they have sex.  Mature men know it isn't often that a young, attractive person comes their way, so when they do, "What do you like?"  Is one of many charming questions they might ask in attempt to get their needs met too.

If that handsome man, who knows he is fine, shows a little interest in someone who isn’t attractive, the individual receiving the attention thinks that he or she is on top of the world.  Desperation tends to come out with the dare I say it, ugly person to stay in that attractive person’s radar because he or she knows that there are many others they could be with instead of him or her.

Unattractive people with low self-esteem tend to put far more into relationships with pretty boys than most.  They even stick around well past the expiration date.  They know a relationship is unfulfilling, yet they try to make things work, because, "Well, he is so good-looking!"  They know they are gorgeous, have more opportunities, etc., yet they will go the distance with pretty boys if they can stand the pain of cheating, lying, power and control remaining with them.  Pretty boys who don't know they are jaw-dropping handsome tend to pick partners who may not even come close to appealing, but are "nice" or "easy to talk to." 

Of course, there is more than meets the eye in some of these relationships, but when exactly do you know that a pretty boy is merely putting on an act?  You don't unless you pay attention to signs that his mind is everywhere but on you.  He knows that he isn’t that into you, he thinks he might grow to love you, but the reality this might happen is dismal.  

A selfish, pretty boy always has it in the back of his mind, "I can do better.  Why do I bother with this ugly, over weight, unattractive, or crazy woman?"  The reason who puts up with whoever or whatever in the meantime is because he is getting one or many of his most important needs met: house, car, bills paid, clothes bought, travel, gifts, etc.

The pretty boys' women have money, a generous spirit, connections, and good credit while the women who might be equally beautiful don’t have as much.  Anyone with good sense knows you go where the opportunity is.  No matter how sexy someone looks, if he or she can’t keep a roof over his or her head, food in the fridge, and money in his or her pocket, then that person isn't worth anyone's time especially for the pretty boy!  Many pretty boys are also mama's boys and most likely were told to look your best and you will get the best!  Shallow-thinking moms raise shallow-thinking sons.

Pretty boys are use to being cared for and are typically the favorite in the family.  If they have used their handsomeness to get over on family and ahead in life, a less attractive partner will need to be aware that he will use his beautiful eyes, dashing smile, fit build, and charming words to control her too.  He knows that his woman feels insecure, threatened, and might even lose her cool around competition, so if he does have women friends or lovers, he is going to be careful to keep them on the down low.  He doesn’t want to mess up the money, gifts and other things he might be getting from his unattractive woman.

Some older men still think they are pretty boys even when beauty has long faded due to the gaining process and not taking good care of themselves over decades.  They may have received many compliments in their youth, but now that they are older, they simply aren’t nice to view especially for a long period of time or on a daily basis.  This is why their relationships with younger companions don't last over time.  

Older men who think they still got it are often frustrated when they see the truth for what it is.  There are far better looking men who are working hard to take care of themselves.  They are turning heads and find it easy to meet women.  But the unattractive men, who falsely believe they still got it, learn the hard way.  Most women, especially young ones, are really not interested in them unless money, security, power and fame are involved.  

Many selfish women look to the Internet to solve their problems with meeting "the right men."  It is then that the playing starts.  Both the attractive as well as the unattractive older men, who falsely believe they are something that they are not, sometimes operate like gold-diggers hoping to obtain not only sex, but fun times they don’t have to pay for with women--think: the attractive Dine and Dash type.  Meanwhile, these sex starved, desperate women will gladly welcome them not knowing they are being played even before these men’s dating profiles are fully completed.

Best advice: Don't date for looks or for money!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues. 

No Support for Underage Sex, Dating Minors

I understand that some men and women enjoy dating older and younger.  But how young are we talking?  There are laws in the land for good reason.  I know that some men and women have their attractions, preferences to certain age groups.  I for one had mine, older men.  For some older men, they absolutely love dating younger women in their twenties.  I was once in my twenties and dated my share of men in their 40s and one in his fifties.  However, I don't support dating/abusing/messing with children, seriously.  They are still developing mentally and physically, they have their lives ahead of them so why spoil them?  Yet, selfish predators will do just that!  Most likely they were spoiled by someone or a group who abused them and now here they go repeating the cycle.  Children don't deserve that no matter how much they think they are mature enough to handle someone older!

When I didn't have children I stayed away from topics like this because my thought was, "It's not my business."  But that was incorrect thinking, it is your business--it's everyone's business!  That is someone's child.  A child who can learn much about life in positive and productive ways that foster independence, raise self-esteem, teach them to be good spouses and parents without trading their innocence!  This is why there are functional caretakers, authorities and licensed professionals available who aren't the least bit interested in taking advantage of them sexually.  Yet, we live in a world of predators who could care less about anyone but their selfish needs being met no matter how dark, disturbing, or demented they might be!  For some sexual predators, as long as it isn't their child being abused, they don't care!  These same people will talk up a storm about what they wouldn't allow to happen to their mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces, etc.  But that victim, who is being used and/or abused, is someone's relative, friend, co-worker...!

As much as some men and women attempt to justify their dysfunctional relationships, those of us who know better just aren't buying it!  A young, brainwashed woman, who managed to get free from her abusive handler/lover, shared her experience--at the time she met him she was underage.  She wrote about it anonymously and spoke about her ordeal on television.  Some of you might be familiar with American R&B singer and songwriter R. Kelly.  She claims he allegedly abused her as well as many other women.  You can check her work out for yourself here.  If the 90 plus page book is taken down, look for it under this title, Sex Me Confessions of Daddy's Little Freak.  Funny, when I was about 19 years old, I looked at that CD by Aaliyah, "Age ain't nothing but a number" and in the background stood R. Kelly.  He looked suspect back then and I turned to my boyfriend and said something like, "Look at this title, he probably is with her."  Yep, he was.  Aaliyah was 15 years old when rumors surfaced about her and R. Kelly. 

It's unfortunate that I have to include a blog post such as this, but it is very necessary since some people just don't understand that age is more than a number when you are dealing with children not only are you destroying a child, but your life too when a person or group finds out, is it worth it?

Nicholl McGuire

Can you spot the signs of a modern slave? | Human Trafficking

You Can't Help Who You Fall in Love With...

You might not be able to help who you fall in love with, but you can exercise self-control through the process. Too many people claim to be in love, but are they really?  It looks more like falling head over heals in lust with others before they truly experience real love. 

You know that your "love" for someone isn't real when you are easily offended over the things they say or do no matter how harmless and you find it hard to forgive.  You know that you aren't in love when you are more concerned about one's appearance and less focused on how they respond to you.  You know that you are still getting over your past when you find that your emotions are not aligning with the person you are currently with no matter how much you convince yourself you love him or her.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Love is active, peaceful, freeing, hopeful, caring, and considerate.  But what love isn't is unkind, rude, arrogant, and selfish.  You may love someone and he or she might be significantly older or younger.  Check whether you sincerely believe that what you are feeling for this person is indeed love.  Here's how...

1) When your partner is around, your thoughts are not often negative, but positive--you aim to please!

2)  You think twice about talking rudely to your partner like saying mean things about him or her whether in-person or behind his or her back.

3)  You often think of a future with your fellow or gal and you just can't see yourself living without him or her.

4)  You are determined to make your relationship work no matter how difficult it gets.  However, you have far more positive days then negative ones.

5) Any form of abuse is absent from your relationship.  You wouldn't even think of insulting or assaulting your loved one.

6)  You don't hesitate to help that special someone when called upon or even when there is no request.  You are conscience of your partner's needs. "Thoughtful and considerate..." are words that your partner uses to describe you.

7)  You don't mind proclaiming to the world that this person is your mate.  You will defend him or her no matter what!

Whether black, brown, yellow or white, you just don't care about what others think.  You love your friend and that is all that matters!

Learn more about Nicholl McGuire, owner of this blog, here: Facebook.

On Ending a Miserable Relationship

A man tells a woman that he is in love with her, wants the pair to move in together, and promises to marry her and have children with his special lady one day.  The woman is excited about the future.  She tells her friends just how much her new man has made her happy.  The two plan dates on when to move-in together and discuss a future date for a wedding.  It all appears normal, right?

As the relationship matures, the couple begins to notice things about one another’s personalities that turn them off.  The man is easily angered over small things like how his partner organizes things and how often she visits with her family.  The woman isn’t happy about the way her mate talks to her when he needs something and isn’t fond of how he smells.  In time, the little issues grow into bigger ones and the two break up.  The former couple moves on with their lives.

During the process of breaking up, like the couple described previously, many individuals don't do anything about the anger still within after disputes.  Communication might have left one another feeling disrespected.  Offensive comments said by relatives and friends might have caused conflict.  Bad relationships don't end up on any road toward forgiveness.  Unfortunately, future daters coming along don’t know about the rude awakening that is sure to come when one is still not over his or her ex or other past partners.

Ending a miserable relationship is not something that happens easily when feelings are still apparent between the pair, but it can be done successfully if one doesn't fall back into the arms of the one who is hurting him or her. 

1.  Find some time to be alone.  Ponder on the things that have made you so unhappy in the relationship.

2.  Talk with loved ones about how you feel in the relationship and consider their advice.

3.  Don't spend much time with a partner you are strongly thinking about breaking up with, this will only cause confusion.  You want to be clear with him or her that you are unhappy.

4.  Expect your date to act ugly during this time when you both aren't getting along, so be sure you safeguard your personal possessions and you alert necessary parties about a crazy ex.

5.  Whatever you do, don't play the make up to break up game because you will only prolong the break up process.

6.  As much as you want to believe someone has changed, the change he or she claims is temporary.  Most people are who they are and can't easily go from being a mean-spirited person to a sweetheart overnight unless their rage was substance induced.  

Working toward a happy ending for you is the best way to end a relationship.  You are no longer thinking of "We" but "I."  You recognize that a miserable connection is not what you want and so you do what it takes to free you of your mistake.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, She's Crazy, and Laboring to Love Myself

Don't Date Women With These Red Flags