Thursday

Is Not Listening to Tips, Concerns and Suggestions Contributing to Your Relationship Problems?

Intimate relationships were never meant to be handled like an inactive suggestion box. So why do we do it? Why do we state our every concern, suggestion, and problem to our partners only for them to just sit in the suggestion box locked away. You may have a box at work filled with all sorts of tips, concerns and problems to get the company moving in the right direction this year, but you never bother to open it or tell those in authority to open it. Why have a suggestion box at work or at home and you never do anything with it?


At home we most likely don’t have a tip box, but we give our concerns and suggestions as we walk by one another, sit down at a meal, or in between commercials in front of the television screen. He hears you and you hear him, but what comes of the conversation, my friend? Do you plan, make changes and set dates to get things done? Does he strategize to do anything differently? The answer to these questions is most likely not, because if you did you wouldn’t have as many relationship problems as you do. Some of you wouldn’t post on sites like popular social networking site, Facebook, under relationship status “complicated.” Your concerns, suggestions, and tips have been falling on deaf ears for days, weeks, even decades. What will it take to make something happen in your relationship? What will you have to do to see to it that everything you and your partner discussed gets done?

The best way to teach someone is by example. If there is something he or she is doing that you don’t like, you have to be the example. You get out there and get the support you need for your own habits. You start making the changes on the outside and inside that will make you feel better about yourself. You put aside the money you need to get the tasks done around the house. You do whatever you need to do to send a loud and clear message, “I don’t have time to be sitting down waiting around for you.” For instance, when a person cheats although it is a heartless, evil way to send a message to the one they supposedly love, it gets results, doesn’t it? Either the couple will stay together and make some changes in their relationship or break away from one other while realizing what failed in their past relationship. Do I advocate such a cruel act to get results, no way! But what I am saying is that it takes something either good or bad to wake people up in a relationship that seems to be spiraling downward.

I personally have been a victim of cheating back in my twenties and early 30s and the person doing the cheating, but I realized the things I did and didn’t do early on in the relationship such as, when my advisors told me, “He’s not the one. He’s no good for you” and I chose not to listen. I also have been the one to attend church alone, the one who separated from my partners days, weeks, and months at a time until they behaved or the relationship ended, sacrifice jobs, stop drinking and going out clubs and bars, cut off certain toxic friends, rearrange the household to benefit everyone even though I didn’t want to, limit spending including not buying the latest fashions and getting my hair done at the salon, and the one who had to apologize and make things right when I was in the wrong. I could go on and on but you understand that the only way sometimes to achieve peace in the household is to make a sacrifice of some sort.

If you have ever been called hard-headed, stubborn, immature, or self-righteous and nothing major has happened yet in your relationship to get you to change, well just stay in it long enough and some serious changes are bound to happen within days, weeks or years of you reading this article. Why wait until something negative occurs in your relationship to influence you to change? Why not take the gentle reminders, the notes on the wall, the light-hearted talks, the recent arguments, the tears you recently witnessed from your mate to motivate you toward change?

Not only should we listen to our partner, but we have to do too! She wants you to fix something, take her out, buy her something, why not do it? He wants you to be cautious of your tone of voice, help out more, or watch your spending habits? Why not do it? You may already know what will happen if you don’t. Some of you women reading this are feeling threatened in your relationship by someone or something, you know why you feel this way. Because there is something you know you aren’t doing. Maybe you should have ended the relationship a long time ago, but chose not to.

Nowadays you are mentally and physically suffering staying in something you don’t really want. Maybe some of you men reading this should stop drinking, because you know how alcohol affects you. It’s only a matter of time that someone will end up in jail or dead due to your abuse. Maybe you are one of those workaholics that should really consider what your partner is saying when he or she says, “I need you.” Maybe you are a man reading this whose partner says, “I need your attention,” but you rather yell about who she is talking to on the Internet and that co-worker she talks about at work. Maybe all of us need to stop spending so much time on the Internet and spend more time with those we say we love while doing the things around the house we have been putting off for weeks. Ask yourself, “Is it too late? Am I willing to do my part to see this relationship through until death do us part or is it better I leave?”

“Life is too short” so the old adage goes. So with that said, you need to make up in your mind how you want to live your last days on this earth. Do you want to live a life with someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to make your relationship work or would you rather go off on your own and hopefully find someone who may be better for you? Whatever you choose, don’t let another year go by without making a decision.

Nicholl McGuire also manages the blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Dating Advice, Relationship Problems: Sex Changes Your Life

Dating Advice, Relationship Problems: Sex Changes Your Life: You want change to happen in your life. You are tired of having empty relationships with people. These dating experiences start off well...

Wednesday

Observations of the Older Man Dating the Younger Woman

Ever wonder what you, your mate and others really think of the younger woman with the older man? Putting aside everything you have been told or what you have seen when it comes to relationships like this, could you sincerely be honest, fair, and even encouraging when it comes to dating an older or younger partner or befriending this type of couple? Depending on your age, how secure you are about yourself and your own relationship, and dating experiences will determine how you truly feel about a younger woman dating an older man.

You may be the younger woman curious about dating an older man or you may be the older man interested in dating a younger woman. Then again, you may not be either but just a concerned relative or friend. Whatever your reason for seeking additional information about younger women and older men, know that you aren’t alone in the way you feel. There are plenty of couples who either privately or publicly struggle with some issues as they come up and the more knowledge you have about the subject, the more comfortable you will feel about talking to an older man and younger woman. In addition, you will feel confident interacting with family members and friends with your older or younger companion by your side and/ or teaching others about your dating experiences. There are many questions and concerns about this subject of dating younger women and older men. For purposes of this article, we will discuss what some older men, younger women, friends, and family may be thinking about their relationship.

Let’s begin with the first. What do young women and older men really think when dating one another? One thought the couple may have relates to the newness of the relationship. For some they have dated an older or younger mate in the past, others have not so it may be more challenging for them. Couples also think about how unique they are from other couples in their circle especially if most of their friends are significantly younger or older. They also find that because of the age differences there are some very interesting subject areas that can be discussed from hobbies to employment. Further, they may talk about challenging topics as they come up such as: short and long term goals, emotions, responsibilities, religion, ethics, and accountability. These subjects are no different than any other couple who may be the same age or closely matched.

A concern that may come up during the dating phase is what does each partner honestly think about the other? For instance, an older man may look at his younger date as being someone very unique from what he is accustomed to dating. He may also notice how energetic, fun or independent she is unlike the women in his own age group. His younger partner may see her older man as intelligent, caring, kind, and mature unlike young men she has dated in the past. Together they may complement one another because they are so different. However, sometimes these differences can get in the way of one another’s future plans which unfortunately can lead to arguments and later separation or breakup. For example, let’s say his young partner is interested in saving money for her college education while her older partner is more concerned about retirement. They may have differences on what each may find a priority. Without open and honest communication often, most couples whether young or old will come to an end.

The popular question of “what will my friends think” may cross the couple’s mind especially with the younger woman. Since friendships are still very important to her, a young woman doesn’t want to feel isolated or ridiculed because she is with an older man, so she may either distance herself from her older partner. Sometimes a new relationship may override old friends and she may grow distant or cut them off altogether particularly if they have been increasingly judgmental. While peer pressure may affect youth, it has no impact on maturity. Her older partner who has already been through that phase in his life may not care what others think. However, there are some older men who do care about his friends’ opinions depending on his public involvement. For instance, an older man may cave into the pressure of his older boss, friends, business associates and others for the sake of his reputation. He doesn’t want the criticism of others affecting things like: his finances, relationship with his older children, or investments because he is with a younger woman. Sometimes older friends may actually like the idea he is with someone younger if it is bringing out the best in him. They may refer to his younger partner as “sexy, fun or good for you!”

A final concern that the couple may have is what their family thinks.  Although family may have been very supportive in the past about the couple’s former partners, they may not be so supportive when they see a drastic change in their relative’s taste in a man or woman. They may ask, “Why this man? He is just too old for you! Aren’t you concerned she might be a gold-digger? Don’t you think she is too young?” The family may have forgotten about the times in their past when someone didn’t like their mates because they were “too flashy, conceited, rude, arrogant, angry, or irresponsible.” When the couple finds that they are being inundated with negativity from family, they may decline invites to holiday celebrations, avoid visiting unless absolutely necessary, attend functions separately, and/or limit what information they share about their relationship. These are all precautions they use to protect their feelings about their mate.

The younger woman and older man may have a great, long-lasting future if they can put aside the comments of well-meaning family members and friends. They may want to evaluate each statement made by people in their circle by looking for signs of hidden jealous, criticism or personal bias.

Nicholl McGuire also manages the blog based on the book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate


Monday

She's More Than Just a Pretty Face


Behind the face are many painful stories.
She was hurt by her father.
Heart broken by a boyfriend.
Fought with a sexist boss.
Deceived by manipulative friends.

And you want her.

Are you prepared to deal with what lies beyond the surface?

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

The Effects of Being with a Nasty Charmer - Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by N. McGuire

You may have experienced or witnessed the damaging effects of these "I am so fresh, good, sexy, perfect..." types and at times hated being around them but as a result of being abused by these males your personality might have changed and not necessarily for the better. Therefore, some relatives and friends may not find you as "nice" or "kind" since connecting with an abusive lover or partner. 
After one gets to know these closet abusers, they do not bring out your best emotions which makes it difficult to continue be the nice person you once were prior to getting your heart broken in a million pieces by them. If anything you find yourself, doubting most of what comes out of their nasty mouths (some of them are nice looking, but their teeth are terrible!) You can't ever believe what these charmers tell you, because you have busted them telling so many lies and now you have problems trusting others. While staying connected with these abusers, you might find yourself also short-tempered, impatient, blaming, often ready to fight, have a negative attitude, controlling, easily jealous, critical, prideful, etc. You may have had your share of disputes with these selfish men or said nothing out of fear, yet took your anger out on others. In Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist, the author describes the egoist, "He is able to provoke in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation and consternation, he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression." 

As you will read in this book, many public charming men are secretly mean-spirited, often angry and at times demonic wanting very much to kill their victims especially when no one is watching. Keep hanging out with them and you will find your demeanor getting worse instead of better--they will drive you mad! Imagine one day you lose it, go off the deep end, while the man you thought you knew sits back and behaves as if he never drove you insane. Witnesses show up and ask, "Why is that woman so mad at you?" the cruel gentleman responds ever so politely, "My God, I don't know why?" So you attempt to explain your case, but no one believes you. "He tried to kill me. He told lies about me. He said he wasn't married...He said he was getting a divorce. He claimed he didn't have any children. He used the children to hurt me. He pretended that he had lots of money and was going to help me, but never did. He rarely touched me, barely looked at me, when I tried to talk to him, he often ignored me..." The observers just shake their heads in disbelief. "No, he wouldn't act like that. He's my son, my brother, my uncle, my favorite cousin...Oh yes, the woman has gone mad. I pray that God will heal her."
With a wink, crooked smile, and a few mumbled curse words and before long the nice guy turns into the big, bad guy all-too-ready to beat his partner with his fists or whatever objects are within his reach if she was to do or say something he doesn't like again. If he is the emotionally abusive type, he will use his intimidating stare, silence, passive aggressive tactics, and other manipulations--of course when no is looking. Relatives, friends, and co-workers don't spend 24/7 with the socially sweet, privately cruel man and even if they did, would he reveal his dark side with them and would they be discerning enough to pick up on the signs?
You might have watched the evil rise through eyes of someone you thought you knew well. Almost instantly, you probably found yourself in fight or flight mode. "I think I better get out of here. I don't think I want to keep talking to him. Something is wrong with that guy," you told yourself. If this kind of behavior happens often enough, when in the presence of an unstable man, you become a nervous wreck. In time, you will want to do almost anything to calm this person when you see he is getting irritated. Notice the Holy Scriptures that warns men and women of double-minded people: James 1:7-8, 2 Peter 2:14, and Psalm 119:113.
You might start warning others, "Please, don't get that crazy man started. Don't say those things, you really don't know him. Make my life easier and try not to do or say..." However, others are not like you: afraid, worried, or nervous and aren't the least bit interested in following your rule book on, "How to Keep My Man Happy." Instead they have no problem challenging your troubled man. What they don't realize you will reap what they have sown. Cowardly men take out their rage on their women and children. The King James Bible warns, "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go..." (Proverbs 22:24) this includes beloved church leadership, spouses, relatives, and others! When family and friends put up a fuss about not wanting their relatives to go with mean people especially after a dispute, it is because they care and they don't want anything bad to happen to their kin.
If you are with a man who really isn't as nice as he looks to others, you know the truth and you might as well avoid the temptation to self-deceive. Charmers don't dare take on people who are brash, bold and truthful about them--they know better. I heard a woman once tell her family who was ready to hurt her boyfriend, "Please don't make it hard for me." This is usually one reason why many abusive men still have breath in their bodies, because of their pleading wives or girlfriends who don't want the family's involvement in their abusive relationships.
When I was in a similar situation, I really didn't care what my relatives did to the abuser between breakups, because I knew I didn't want to be with him (at least temporarily). But when I wasn't ready to let him go, I was very secretive and defensive about "our business," (which was fighting often). I told lies to family members and learned to cover up my true feelings about him when we were alone out of fear that he would hurt me. I really wanted to have a normal relationship, but the reality was it was far from that. Research shows victims in abusive relationships will go back to their abusers at least seven times before finally breaking it off with them. Most family members are just not patient.
So what happened to that nice guy you thought you knew? Let us take a deeper look at these socially sweet men who are privately cruel. As you discover more about them, prepare yourself for the next ones who come your way from meeting you in church to sitting next to you at work, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire will help.  Purchase your copy today!


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