Monday

The Effects of Being with a Nasty Charmer - Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by N. McGuire

You may have experienced or witnessed the damaging effects of these "I am so fresh, good, sexy, perfect..." types and at times hated being around them but as a result of being abused by these males your personality might have changed and not necessarily for the better. Therefore, some relatives and friends may not find you as "nice" or "kind" since connecting with an abusive lover or partner. 
After one gets to know these closet abusers, they do not bring out your best emotions which makes it difficult to continue be the nice person you once were prior to getting your heart broken in a million pieces by them. If anything you find yourself, doubting most of what comes out of their nasty mouths (some of them are nice looking, but their teeth are terrible!) You can't ever believe what these charmers tell you, because you have busted them telling so many lies and now you have problems trusting others. While staying connected with these abusers, you might find yourself also short-tempered, impatient, blaming, often ready to fight, have a negative attitude, controlling, easily jealous, critical, prideful, etc. You may have had your share of disputes with these selfish men or said nothing out of fear, yet took your anger out on others. In Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist, the author describes the egoist, "He is able to provoke in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation and consternation, he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression." 

As you will read in this book, many public charming men are secretly mean-spirited, often angry and at times demonic wanting very much to kill their victims especially when no one is watching. Keep hanging out with them and you will find your demeanor getting worse instead of better--they will drive you mad! Imagine one day you lose it, go off the deep end, while the man you thought you knew sits back and behaves as if he never drove you insane. Witnesses show up and ask, "Why is that woman so mad at you?" the cruel gentleman responds ever so politely, "My God, I don't know why?" So you attempt to explain your case, but no one believes you. "He tried to kill me. He told lies about me. He said he wasn't married...He said he was getting a divorce. He claimed he didn't have any children. He used the children to hurt me. He pretended that he had lots of money and was going to help me, but never did. He rarely touched me, barely looked at me, when I tried to talk to him, he often ignored me..." The observers just shake their heads in disbelief. "No, he wouldn't act like that. He's my son, my brother, my uncle, my favorite cousin...Oh yes, the woman has gone mad. I pray that God will heal her."
With a wink, crooked smile, and a few mumbled curse words and before long the nice guy turns into the big, bad guy all-too-ready to beat his partner with his fists or whatever objects are within his reach if she was to do or say something he doesn't like again. If he is the emotionally abusive type, he will use his intimidating stare, silence, passive aggressive tactics, and other manipulations--of course when no is looking. Relatives, friends, and co-workers don't spend 24/7 with the socially sweet, privately cruel man and even if they did, would he reveal his dark side with them and would they be discerning enough to pick up on the signs?
You might have watched the evil rise through eyes of someone you thought you knew well. Almost instantly, you probably found yourself in fight or flight mode. "I think I better get out of here. I don't think I want to keep talking to him. Something is wrong with that guy," you told yourself. If this kind of behavior happens often enough, when in the presence of an unstable man, you become a nervous wreck. In time, you will want to do almost anything to calm this person when you see he is getting irritated. Notice the Holy Scriptures that warns men and women of double-minded people: James 1:7-8, 2 Peter 2:14, and Psalm 119:113.
You might start warning others, "Please, don't get that crazy man started. Don't say those things, you really don't know him. Make my life easier and try not to do or say..." However, others are not like you: afraid, worried, or nervous and aren't the least bit interested in following your rule book on, "How to Keep My Man Happy." Instead they have no problem challenging your troubled man. What they don't realize you will reap what they have sown. Cowardly men take out their rage on their women and children. The King James Bible warns, "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go..." (Proverbs 22:24) this includes beloved church leadership, spouses, relatives, and others! When family and friends put up a fuss about not wanting their relatives to go with mean people especially after a dispute, it is because they care and they don't want anything bad to happen to their kin.
If you are with a man who really isn't as nice as he looks to others, you know the truth and you might as well avoid the temptation to self-deceive. Charmers don't dare take on people who are brash, bold and truthful about them--they know better. I heard a woman once tell her family who was ready to hurt her boyfriend, "Please don't make it hard for me." This is usually one reason why many abusive men still have breath in their bodies, because of their pleading wives or girlfriends who don't want the family's involvement in their abusive relationships.
When I was in a similar situation, I really didn't care what my relatives did to the abuser between breakups, because I knew I didn't want to be with him (at least temporarily). But when I wasn't ready to let him go, I was very secretive and defensive about "our business," (which was fighting often). I told lies to family members and learned to cover up my true feelings about him when we were alone out of fear that he would hurt me. I really wanted to have a normal relationship, but the reality was it was far from that. Research shows victims in abusive relationships will go back to their abusers at least seven times before finally breaking it off with them. Most family members are just not patient.
So what happened to that nice guy you thought you knew? Let us take a deeper look at these socially sweet men who are privately cruel. As you discover more about them, prepare yourself for the next ones who come your way from meeting you in church to sitting next to you at work, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire will help.  Purchase your copy today!


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