Tuesday

Isolation: When the Older Man Doesn't Want His Young Woman Around Anyone But Him

He's out there, that nice guy who says in such a nice voice, "You are so pretty, I just want you all to myself."  This mature man knows exactly what he is doing when he subtly or quite boldly tells a young woman what he expects from her.  "I really enjoy your company, come around more often.  Whatever you need I can supply those things for you..."  Now if she isn't discerning, she will just laugh and dismiss what he says as unimportant.  The young lady assumes that her life is still her own--independent and free even with her gentleman suitor.  Little does she know, she will soon be entering a world where she will be repeatedly asked to shut off her phone off, stay with him, move away with him, etc.  Family, friends, co-workers and others are just not welcome.  Gradually the older man's critical voice will rise up and object to anyone or anything that interferes with his attempt at building an isolated world where it's just two and no more.

As she draws near to the man who "means the world to me," it will become increasingly difficult to reach the young woman, because his mind control will begin to take root.  Her voice mail will pick up, but she won't.  E-mails from acquaintances will go unopened.  She will become a stranger to friends.  Her family will begin to worry.  Meanwhile, the older, controlling man will have her right where he wants her with him and only him.

Isolation is a form of abuse.  Many mature, abusive men are either unaware of what they are doing, don't care or do care and systematically isolate their victims.  Persuading or forcing someone to stay in a room, a home, a car, etc. knowing full well she wants to see people and do things apart from you is deceptive, controlling and evil. 

Maybe the young female doesn't want to be bothered with her family and if that is the case, then her older gentleman friend might want to encourage her to at least write or call them just to let them know that everything is alright sometimes.  But some men are content with their partners staying away from relatives, co-workers, friends, and even children, because this means they will remain loyal to them.

If the young woman should rebel against her older mate's wishes and decide that she is going to see her loved ones, talk to male friends, shop alone, work late hours, or anything else that she wants to do, then there is a psychological hell he will put her through whether in gentle ways using sweet words and affection or harsh ones using threats and fists.  If loved ones should come around, these jealousy men will ignore partners and them, fight, or do things to make all parties feel unwelcome when visiting the couple's residence.  He doesn't want them showing up and he doesn't mind acting rude, critical and bitter around them either.  These controlling men might make their partners feel guilty when they want to go some where without them or if they should decline seeing their relatives.

A young woman who knows her partner is isolating her is going to act fearful when he does things that keep her close to him.  She isn't going to tell others what is happening, because she doesn't want to look bad or make others think negatively about a man she has bragged about or defended.  She also feels ashamed and angered about the way her mate acts when her loved ones are around.  So the young woman will distance herself from family and friends, put a limit on outside activities, or don't do much at all just so that she doesn't have to deal with her mean-spirited partner's bad-mouthing and tantrums as a result of her wanting to see loved ones, go places, etc.

You may be a victim, an abuser or know of someone in a relationship where isolation is ongoing.  Take a look at what is happening, bring attention to the problem and seek solutions.  It is not "okay, normal" or a loving thing to say and do things to keep a person isolated, nor should one abandon a friend who you know is in an abusive relationship.  Much of this isolation behavior derives from jealousy, insecurities, childhood issues, and being a victim possibly of abuse yourself.  Don't enable dysfunction, speak up, establish boundaries and if necessary end the relationship. 

Isolation Tactics an Abuser will Use

1.  Tells you what to do with your money or tells you not to work, so you will not be out and about.
2.  Causes friction between you and others due to negative words he says about them i.e.) He lies.
3.  Creates a list of things you are expected to do when interacting with others i.e.) "You only go places with me.  You are not permitted to talk to the opposite sex when I'm not around whether on or off the Internet..."
4.  Doesn't want people visiting the residence--makes all sorts of excuses.
5.  Doesn't want to visit your relatives and friends and would rather you don't go either.
6.  Suddenly comes up with "plans" to keep you from going places.
7.  Tells you some things like, "It's just me and you, we don't need anyone...We can stay at home, we don't need to go anywhere...All we need is each other...We can be all alone on an island--just you and I, Baby."
8.  Calls and checks up on you often and may even joke about you, "Staying put.  I hope you aren't going anywhere, you stay in your place, Woman."
9.  Complains, vents, yells, threatens or does things to keep you from leaving the home.
10.  Offers to do many things so that you are never in an atmosphere where you could possibly meet and talk to other men i.e.) shops for you, runs errands, fixes things, offers to go places with you, etc.

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