Thursday

His Wife Ended the Relationship for Good Reason - He's Far from Perfect

"That is just so wrong what she did to you...you are a good guy...well, that's okay, I'm not like her," says the young woman who doesn't know any better.  She believes that because she is in the middle-aged man's life that all will be okay, but will it?  Rather than be critical or assume falsely she was a bad ex, a wise young woman would ask herself, "What did the ex-husband do to drive the poor woman insane?"  Then she would be observant of everything the man is doing and saying to her and others while making a determination whether or not she could tolerate her lover in the long-term.

The ex-wife (or wives) drove him out the family home for reasons beyond what those closest to the former couple knows.  She signed the divorce papers with good cause.  There was something wrong, terribly wrong with the man she once fell in love with and she could no longer subject herself to her former husband's abusive ways.  Abuse comes in many forms besides physical--a person can only put up with so much before the mind and body beg to be rid of The Problem. 

Often the talk of male midlife crisis comes up when an older man dates a younger woman, but what rarely is mentioned in troubled relationships is personality disorders.  You may have welcomed a broken man into your life who has yet to unveil his true colors.  From bipolar disorder to schizophrenia, there are many 40 plus men with mental issues, in addition to male midlife challenges, that are too complex to deal with for an ex-wife much less a young lover.  These men may have even stumped a few doctors over the years with all their problems.

Sometimes young women will speculate on how and why things ended in their mate's last relationship based on what he says.  However, as she learns more about his past, she discovers that there was really more to her lover's reasons for the break up than what he cared to mention.

Personality disorders aren't to be taken lightly. They can't be dismissed when they manifest themselves under great stress then stick around a lot longer than expected.  Men tend to do many unorthodox things when they can't get a grip on what is happening on the inside of their mind, body and spirit and aren't much interested in getting necessary help.  What's worse, busy people, with full schedules, don't see the signs a relative or friend is indeed falling apart.  Others choose to ignore these troubled males, because they don't want to take on yet another burden.  They say, "He will be okay...I will just pray about...I hope he doesn't hurt anyone.  Maybe he will break up with his new lady friend before she learns how he truly is."

The menopausal wife who decided to give her ex the walking papers decided to deal with her own issues apart from a troubled husband.  She refused to keep assisting someone who may have hurt her  very badly all the while refusing to change. 

The young woman might want to think twice about her older date's history before committing.  If she should make a rash decision, she may learn later that she indeed bit off more than she could chew.  If one reading this has mental issues, be honest with your partner, take necessary medications/vitamin supplements and don't expect someone to be the cure all for your emotional and hormonal issues.

For others dating older, pay attention to signs that an older man has a personality disorder by doing things like:

1.  Watching the way he looks at you.  Does his stare make you feel uncomfortable to the point that you want to get out of his presence?

2.  Do you fight with thoughts inside your mind of staying with him or breaking up?

3.  Do you often find yourself being blamed by him for things you didn't think or do?

4.  Does he frequently put words in your mouth or twist your communication?

5.  Is he controlling and forbids you to go places or see certain people?

6.  Does he fight with you about things that shouldn't matter much like a simple statement or comment to help him?

7.  Does he have subtle or bold quirks about him or strange mannerisms that others would say, "There's something not quite right with him."

Anger outbursts, silent treatment, pressure that keeps you tensed/emotional, false accusations, sneaky or unexplainable behavior, sexual problems, and frequent lying are all signs that there is definitely something wrong with a friend. 

Nicholl McGuire

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