A Kiss and A Promise: What The Other Woman Should Know About The Married Man

Whether he is currently with his wife, plans to divorce her, separated from her, or says he doesn’t love her, whatever his issue he is married and there is nothing you can do about it. Now you may say that you could tell her about the affair, send some photos, write an email, or arrange to meet her, but why? It’s not like she will leave him alone, for some women they enjoy the challenge, the fight, and the drama. She is his wife, she is conditioned by the vows she took to be with him in sickness and in health and until death do they part, what vows have you taken to be with him? What support do you have while being in this relationship? Who will defend you when he, she or they have wronged you? No one likes the “other woman,” no one. She isn’t invited to the family meeting when there is a crisis, included in the family events that matter, called when her man is in trouble, or updated on the latest family happenings. This is only the short list of what the typical “other woman” experiences.

Most women never intended to be “the other woman,” she came into the relationship with an open heart and mind, willing to embrace her man’s shortcomings, and socialize with his family whether they liked her or not. However, someone tells her about his past or she finds out about his wife in a way that hurts like a bad cramp in the pit of her stomach. Her world comes crashing down, “he’s married!” It doesn’t matter that he is separated, it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t slept with her since 88…he’s married, she thinks. So she wonders when will he get a divorce, or will he ever get one. She nags, pleads, begs, manipulates, cries, loves and anything else to get this unavailable man to reassure her that everything will be okay, but he doesn’t. Rather, he defends his actions, assumes she already knew, or makes it seem as if it isn’t any big deal.

She has arrived at a crossroads in her life, one where she will walk right to dismiss this unavailable man or left hoping for the day he will marry her. If she chooses to turn left, she will cry many tears, deal with emotional and in some cases physical abuse and never come to the place of peace she so desires. It’s time for the other woman to realize her worth to become number one! She will have to begin taking small steps until her sentences are no longer “we” but “I.” She will begin each day not with “he,” or “him,” but “I!” She will declare, “I will love me whether I have a man or not!” She will plan her life according to the new “I” she has met. When she speaks with family and friends gradually she will remove the “ he” or “him” in her conversations and state the “I.” Those around her will be relieved! Finally, a conversation without discussing “him” or “he,” they will think.

As she realizes what she must do to be in love with “I,” she will need to take the time to evaluate whether this man is serious about a divorce, making false promises to keep her, or is strongly considering on getting back with his wife.

I wrote this article because I have been the wife who knew and didn’t know, the potential other woman, the woman who didn’t know I was the other woman, and the other woman. Get ready to agree to disagree, be offended, or set free from your situation as you continue to read – it’s all up to you.

I experienced my first wake-up call in my early twenties when I was approached by a man who didn’t care that he was married. I say didn’t care, because later I learned that the man I exchanged numbers with was married and he put his sister up to calling me. His reason, because he couldn’t call me at the time he had promised, “he was busy doing something for his wife.” Imagine the shock I must have felt, I asked her, “Why would she agree to contact me knowing her brother was married?” She attempted to assure me that their relationship was ending. I had enough sense in my “terrible twenties” to politely tell her to tell him not to call me anymore. I say terrible twenties, because far too many unavailable men in midlife crisis were approaching me attempting to make my twenties terrible and a few actually succeeded. I told her that she shouldn’t be doing any “favors” for her brother. To that she said, she loved him and wasn’t bothered by what she was doing since she didn’t like his wife. I had learned young that sisters will go to great lengths for their cheating brothers if there is something in it for them. I guess later on her brother owed her a favor.

There were other married men who I would later encounter in person, over the phone and via the Internet and all of them would say the same things “my wife and I are separated, I am filing for a divorce, we can’t get along, she is such a b*tch,” etc. However, they could only make false promises to keep me interested. Their actions regarding their involvement with their wife didn’t provide me with the security I needed that said they were over the “wife from hell.” So I managed to stay clear away from these men for years. Each one of them still communicated with their wives, went out on dates every now and then and some still slept with them, invited the wives to family functions, and most of all, there was never any final paperwork of their divorce settlement. So that’s when it hit me, these men aren’t interested in nothing more than a midlife crisis fling since most who approached me were between 40 and 55 years old. A couple of these conniving men who claimed they were divorced, I did date, and unfortunately learned the hard way that they still had very real feelings for their wives that they simply couldn’t get over. I say learned the hard way, because you tend to learn more about a man the more you give of yourself and I gave far too much of myself, mind, body, money, and time to find out about these “feelings” they still had for their wives. I guess they realized the grass isn’t greener over on the other side and maybe they came to the realization that they really were in some sort of crisis.

I have read stories of men leaving their menopausal wives for younger women only to discover later, after the fun died down, that they should have never left in the first place. Unfortunately, there are those men who learned too late, after they created midlife babies with “the other woman.” For many of them, there is no going back to their wives. So they lean on their children, hoping their existence will make up for the mistakes they made when they left their wife and ease the guilt within. Others don’t even bother to analyze their actions they just, ignore the wife, take the bitter with the sweet, and either stick it out with their younger sweethearts or find yet another young woman to have fun. Then there are those who do return home to their wives only to end up cheating on her yet again since her acceptance told him “it’s okay, I still love you.”

When I questioned other married men, those who were too young for a midlife crisis, on why they were no longer with their wives, they usually answered with, “I fell out of love with her” or “I was bored with her. We grew apart. She was insecure.” They always seemed to place blame on the wife and the only time they would mention taking any accountability for their part in the broken relationship was if their wives caught them in a lie. They may have lied about money, another woman, unemployment, children, or some other issue, so when they couldn’t get around the truth they had to fess up.

Married men have a bad habit of stringing the new women in their lives along. They “kiss and make promises” as one married man told me. Although living separated from his wife for over 18 years and living with “the other woman,” he explained to me that he had never got a divorce because he knew that one day his wife would die and everything that he invested in the relationship would ultimately be his one day (he was speaking of material wealth of course.) He reasoned his actions by asking me, “Why would he marry the woman he was with that had already waited for him for 18 years, she could wait 18 more? That’s why I gave her a kiss and a promise. ” She doted a promise ring for about ten years with no promise of a wedding date. I felt obligated to sound the alarm on this issue of a “kiss and a promise” for those women who think that the married man will divorce his wife of over 10 years plus and then marry you. The likely hood of this happening is slim. There are too many men looking at the financial stakes involved when one has been married for over ten years. Why marry you with nothing, when he can stay married and have something? The choice is ultimately up to you, stay and be miserable as the “other woman” or be with someone who will love and respect you as “the one and only woman.”

Although it takes time for any relationship to come to an end, if you are with a man who is married, separated, or waiting on his divorce to be finalized, consider the following: if he hasn’t done it when he said he will do it, he won’t be doing it, if he is 40 plus and you are ten years younger or more then, most likely you are a product of his midlife crisis, if you don’t have as much or more than his wife to offer financially then he isn’t in any rush to divorce, and most of all if he has children with his wife and none with you, then he may fear what would happen if he does divorce his wife and losing the children is not an option for men who sincerely love their children. There are many other things to consider when dealing with these married men who have not resolved their past issues, including dealing with his family who isn’t interested in accepting you because you are “the other woman” and they rather settle with what is familiar “the wife.”

So to the young women in their twenties and the old women who should know better, I say, listen to that voice who says “he is too old, he is married, he still loves his wife, he and his wife are very good friends” that is all you need to know to make a wise decision, “Run, look the other way, he isn’t my type.” And mean what you say. As for those in it, as someone once told me, “You have a choice.” What’s yours?

By Nicholl McGuire

Some Older Men will Break Unsuspecting Young Women Down: Here's How

When I first heard the song by Usher, OMG, I admit I really liked the music. It was definitely a great song to get you moving. But when I listened to the lyrical content, I began to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, “let me break you down… so many ways to love you…” Long after I first heard the song, I still heard the lyrics while going about my day. The character in the song was interested in getting a woman to drop her defenses so that she would sleep with him. The song isn’t about “loving” her, but having sex with her in “so many ways” that she would be exclaiming, “Oh my God!” in the bedroom. Once the man causes the woman to orgasm, his game is finished. The unsuspecting woman would not only be physically broken down, if she lets him break her down, but mentally as well. It might be safe to assume that in reality, some men are advised by their elders, mentors and/or the entertainment industry, “Get inside a woman’s head and you will get in her bed.” It’s apparent that with the singer’s smooth sexy vocals, he would most likely accomplish his goal successfully.

If you are a woman with any dating experience, then you know there are games men play. Whether the games are considered good or evil, depending on who you talk to, there is always someone willing to play them with unsuspecting individuals. So many women and men say they don’t play any head games when dating, but the truth is the day we dressed our faces and bodies up better than normal, articulated our thoughts in a way to win our dates over, and most of all interacted with them the best we knew how, the games began. Of course you want to make a good impression, but how far would you go to make a lasting one?

Some women are careful about what they say and do during a date so as not to turn him off and they also do things that they wouldn’t ordinarily do to impress a man. Those who know better would observe the seductive woman and her player for a date and say, “You both are running game on one another.” So who do you think would make the first move that would lead the two in the bedroom?

What might a man do to psychologically break a woman down so that arms, heart and legs are spread wide open? Well in order to know whether you (or that friend of yours) is a pawn in a player’s game, you have to understand it first.

One of the first things any man is going to do to impress the apple of his eye is start off being a gentleman. For example, he might open and close doors, spend a lot of money on the first date, and ask you if you need anything to ensure that you are comfortable being in his presence.

The next thing he may have done already in his mind is create memorable events that will keep you wanting to be in his presence. So he is going to create an atmosphere that keeps you entertained. He knows that some women can become easily bored and/or annoyed, so he’s going to ensure that everything he has planned for the date is in working order from his car to the waiter.

To make you feel good about being around him, he may also give you a small gift, something like: a rose, a gift card, CD, DVD, or book to show his appreciation and let you know he was listening to you when you two spoke over the phone. This small action will assist him in lowering your defenses of course.

He might turn up intimate moments with you by sharing flattering comments he may have thought of in advance or told others about you. Sometimes he may just say whatever he feels while hoping you will say something nice back. This is a test to see how willing you are to sleep with him later. A true gentleman isn’t focused on the sex and may even put if off for as long as you like.

When dates between you and he begin to increase and he is really showing an interest in you, he may ask to meet your relatives. This is just so that he makes you feel like he is serious, learn a bit more about you, and hopefully use your family to play a small part in encouraging you to keep him around. However, a player doesn’t care about meeting the relatives especially if you have a few clairvoyants around.

One way he makes you trust him is by providing you with details about his past. In your mind, you will reason that he is open and honest because he shared a few details about his life. (That is nothing to get excited about.) A man feels the more you trust him, the more likely you will want to do other things for him besides give up sex--more on this point later.

The compliments keep coming as days, turn into weeks of being together, but eventually they will slow. He will keep showering them in abundance if he has yet to experience sex with you. He may also keep with them if you are the best in bed he has had in a long time. But what goes up, will come down.

Now once he has you right where he wants you with your nose wide open, ready to defend him if anyone should say otherwise, he will then feel comfortable enough to walk away from the relationship, because he has already “broke you down.” But for some men, time is as valuable as money, so he just might stick around. Remember, the point about the more a man feels you trust him, the more likely you will want to do other things for him? Well those points are as follows when he wants to keep you around for awhile.

He may feel comfortable enough with you to ask you for money and help him with domestic tasks like cooking and cleaning. Did you think that you would always come to his place, ride in his car or take from him and not do other things besides have sex?

In time, he will tell you what he thinks about your appearance. This might be just before, during or after a disagreement. If you point out one of his flaws, like a child being teased, he will say something back negative. It may not be right at that moment, but one day he will.

Your date may start to criticize your actions or inactions when it comes to addressing his needs. “You said that you would be over at 8 p.m., but you are always late…I don’t like my food this way, I prefer it that way, I thought I told you that already. You don’t cook? I like a woman who can cook her man a meal.”

He may offer his thoughts about your family, hobbies, employment and other things in an unflattering way. Sometimes his bold comments might be hurtful, but you excuse them and reason, he is just being truthful.

Your date might share his dreams with you, and ask you to be a part of them. Meanwhile, you are putting yours off. On the surface, it seems nice helping someone accomplish their dreams, but what if his sole reason for doing so much for you in the past is to set you up for what he always wanted? You will one day ask yourself, when will you both work toward your dreams?

This man may act disinterested about your personal beliefs, but very interested in your friendships with the opposite sex, so much in fact that he doesn’t want you to have them. If this should happen, you might have broken him down in some ways to the point that now he is controlling. He may have went along with some of your suggestions and granted your favors over the course of the relationship, so now he feels like he has a say so on who you can and can’t talk to. For some women, they don’t recognize when they are being controlled, because most likely one of their parents or both were controlling, so it all seems comfortable to them.

Now the once gentleman turned control freak has exhausted himself with you, he might find someone else or he may stick around if he sees that you are willing to go along with his program. Test him, find out if there is any room for you to feel comfortable being who you are in the relationship. When you notice that your suggestions or concerns are gradually being put off more and more and you excuse him for it, you may realize that he has broken you down like the woman in the Usher song. He has given you a false sense of love in so many ways. Maybe in the beginning of the dating relationship you were a challenge, but not after he has had sex with you, got you to perform household chores, assisted him with his finances, errand running and other similar things.

He might keep you around a little longer, because he sees how he can benefit from you or he might not. It all depends on the man. If he is sincerely in love with you, he will hear your protests and change his sneaky ways, but if he is not, he will only get worse.

Some men will become abusive when they are confronted about their erratic moods, selfish actions and more. They will hit, choke or grab their partners which further breaks them down mentally and physically. A depressed partner might stay in the relationship out of obligation and fear all the while thinking she could do better, but she wants to stay and help him. The abuser will apologize, then repeat the cycle days, months even years later. Their partners may cry, “I thought you wouldn’t do that again!” But they do! Cheating and name-calling is also abusive. Daily curses, lying and covering up questionable events – all break down people. An abused woman will defend her abuser. Some of these abusive men have drug habits. A woman who may have once objected to using drugs, may go along just to get along. Now she is not only mentally broken down, but also susceptible to becoming a drug abuser.

So there are many ways to hurt not love a woman and if she isn’t too careful she may be broken down to the point that one day she won’t be able to get back on her feet.

By Nicholl McGuire

7 Moments in Life When We Make Stupid Decisions

Do you sometimes find yourself thinking about "What if I hadn't..." if so, you may want to think about what you could be doing now that may repeat a regret. Although this article doesn't specifically cater to younger women dating older men or vice versa, it does offer some thoughts about your present lifestyle and whether you believe it may be the right thing for you.

Sometimes we look back on our lives and notice how stupid we were for doing some of the things we did that hurt us and others. However, present situations may also be called stupid as well because for some of us, we still have yet to learn from the past mistakes. If we are careful about the timing when we are most likely to make poor decisions, we just might escape years of pain, confusion, resentment, bitterness, and other emotions we may experience as a result of our repeated failures.

So what are some periods of life that we are more vulnerable to making stupid life decisions?

Just before a breakup.

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. She is no longer interested in him. Yet, the both still have some feelings for one another. So what do they do? Instead of leaving one another like they had hoped, they rather argue, fight, and do other things to keep emotions on high. They might even buy new furniture, a new car or truck, or make a financial investment together. As strange as this may seem, couples do this as a way to hold on to one another even though they know that the relationship has long expired. When they finally do break up officially, they find themselves in court arguing over their material possessions. The best thing to do is not buy, invest, save or do anything that will cost you later with a partner who no longer loves or trusts you or vice versa.

After a separation or divorce.

The first thing that most people want to do after being free from a bad relationship is to sit some time out, but never that long, before dating again. Then when they are ready to date again, they don’t necessarily go into slowly. They tend to rush to get their sexual needs met. Before long, they are on a pathway of break up to make up with a new partner. They also are very quick to accept this new person into his or her life without considering what their children from a previous relationship might think. They also don’t always handle all of their past business either, bringing drama into their new relationship. Consider taking care of any of your past business, so as not to bring it into any future relationships.

After becoming a parent.

Post-partum blues is nothing to take lightly! There is a lot of pain associated with giving childbirth and even more to deal with if the child is born with a health condition. Some people do fine with parenting, while others can’t deal with it. The crying, the financial challenges, family involvement, and more will send anyone over the edge. So it is best not to make any major life decisions at least a year after becoming a parent. This way you give everyone a chance to heal both mentally and physically and you allow for your partner to get readjusted to his or her life now that there is a baby.

Before a test or competition.

This is a regret that can easily be avoided if we just devote more time. It’s just as simple as that! Make the time to study or practice and you come out ahead. But what do some do, they stay up late cramming after doing other things during the day that aren’t as important. They spend hours chatting on the phone. They play Good Samaritan to other people when they should be at home hitting the books or out on the field practicing. The end result is low test scores that may lead to someone not getting into a college which just might affect this person for the rest of his or her life. Team members upset because a member failed to come through and now everyone is considered a loser.

When intoxicated from drugs and/or alcohol.

So we “got our party on,” as the street says, some years back and now we have memories from the past that come and go. For some of us, those memories may still haunt us. A person might think, “I should have never…I wish I hadn’t…” Some people seek professional help to make the pain go away, while others continue to abuse alcohol and drugs in the hopes that one day they will just find their peace in the grave. Anyone who is under the influence will make stupid decisions resulting in: bad health, lost jobs, family and friends, freedom, and more. Common sense says, “Avoid the alcohol and drugs.”

After having sex.

He made you feel better than any man you have ever encountered! She did things in the bedroom that made you feel like flying to the moon! Before long, you are opening a credit card line in your name for your partner, paying her bills, buying him gifts, and telling him or her how much you want to get married or have a baby! Unfortunately, what goes up must come down, and now some of you reading this are stuck in a marriage or have children that you secretly wished you never had. You have just given some of your best years to someone who is now undeserving of them. We make our beds then we try to fix them so they are comfortable enough for us to lie in them for the rest of our lives. You can continue to be in a relationship you don’t want until you are ready to go or you can make the best of it.

Soon after receiving additional monies.

Whether an opportunity or blessing comes in the form of a promotion, membership or a position of authority, some people are receiving more money, fame or power than they have ever had in their lives! It would make any of us feel real good—real special. However, what usually happens is that the ego is puffed up with all the flattering statements, “You are so smart…you are great…wish I had a son like you!” Before long Mr. or Ms. Ego is saying and doing things she has no business doing. The “Big Boss” may use the company credit card for things other then what is allotted. This person may give employees the pass on things corporate management would possibly fire him or her about. Sometimes leaders will be-little others or boast about their fortune. All of these things and more will catch up to “The Man…The Woman…” sooner or later. If you are a spiritual person, you know that you are to remain humble and obey your superiors. You also are to treat your workers well.

When we are experiencing moments in our lives such as the ones explained in this article, we should avoid making decisions that only require a simple yes or no. We should make the time to sit quiet and contemplate how our action or inaction might affect us and our family later. Is this a good time to end a relationship or start a new one? What might be the immediate impact? How might your decision to pick up and move somewhere affect you and possibly children long term? When do you think will be a good time to come back and re-evaluate your dilemma? What does your family think about your current situation and how might they help or hurt it? There are so many questions that we could think about each and every situation we are currently facing, but the point is a sudden decision without thinking about all of the details will cost you sooner or later. Think everything through!

By Nicholl McGuire

Your In Love, He's In Love, So What Seems to be the Problem?

You might have been one of the blessed ones who found someone who honestly cares about you. Age has no bearing on your relationship. He is comfortable in his skin and so are you. Yet, something bothers you about the relationship, but you can't seem to put your finger on it. Know that your odd feelings are natural and will not go away until you are completely fulfilled in the relationship.

Material wealth, conversation, and sex sometimes isn't enough to feel at peace in a realtionship with anyone, much less an older man or younger woman. The human spirit is always in need of something more, especially if you have no spiritual foundation.

Sometimes couples in love (or in lust) must allow for some distance from one another to sort out their emotions. We must be sure that the relationship we so desire is in fact meant to be. It doesn't matter how financially secure your older partner may be or how much nicer he is than your past lovers, you have to know that you know that you want to be with your partner forever! This same concept applies to the mature man dating a younger woman. She looks good, feels good, and acts mature for her age, but she has to complete you! Like you, she has feelings and with each passing year, she is steadily growing into an older woman who has goals, the last thing she needs is a broken heart so young.

We all must be mindful of people's feelings as well as our own in any relationship. When we are not, someone most likely will get hurt. Too many "settled" people are also selfish people. They expect others to revolve around their worlds and not the other way around. Too many young people are too carefree, to the point, that they don't see beyond the material. When no one wants to share their lifestyle or has a myopic view on how to relate to one another, there will be an unsettled feeling somewhere deep within one's heart. And because of that feeling, one will not marry, will not trust, will not give up his or her space, and will question the future. Until you know that you know, take one day at a time before committing.

Nicholl McGuire