Many women and men have what relationship counselors might call an "intuition," sixth sense or gut feeling when something isn't quite right with their intimate connections. How do you know that your sensibilities are being compromised by your lover?
There are ten things that your deceptive mate might do over the course of your relationship that will keep you guessing when it comes to a variety of issues such as: money, employment, cheating, family, past relationships, and children from the past. He or she already knows how you feel about any one of these areas, so to ensure that you will always see him or her in the best light, your lover will work hard not to expose you to his or her dark past, secrets, lies, or anything else that may harm his or her connection with you. So what exactly does this person say or do to try to throw your intuition off track?
1) Deny everything. It seems that no matter what you say to him or her about an issue, there is the common statement of "I don’t remember, I don’t recall, that wasn’t me, I don’t believe...It didn't happen like that...I never did...or I don’t know." One will usually respond to his or her mate, by not asking anymore questions about the matter. Meanwhile, he or she hopes you have forgotten about it.
2) Blame others. When your mate doesn’t want to be held accountable for anything, he or she will say, "Maybe you are the one with the problem…She said it not me… I didn’t do it, he did it…you know how he is…you know she doesn’t like you…" Your mate wants you to shift your focus from him or her and put it on someone else. A great distraction is to blame someone you don’t like, this way you both will start focusing on the ex, child, pet, job, etc. rather than on your partner who is causing you the most grief.
3) Cover up wrong doing with silence. You want your mate to address a problem or concern and he or she says nothing. For example, the individual may have done something like scratch the side of the car, break your treasured collectible from childhood, spent too much of your money, did something without asking your permission, or acted in ways when you weren't around that he or she knew you would be angry about. Rather than fess up, this person acts as if nothing ever happened. When pressed about the issues, your partner might become offensive and accuse you of wanting to start an argument, walk away or deny everything.
4) Make excuses. Ask your boyfriend or girlfriend why he or she was late or didn't answer his or her phone, "Did you have your cell phone turned on...Who was that in the car with you? Were you really over your mother’s house?" Your lover might stammer, stutter, get angry, look away from you or walk out. All of these behaviors are meant for him or her to buy some time to come up with an excuse. Some may already be prepared with a good story. If you aren’t convinced, check up on one's reasons.
5) Lie. When your partner doesn't want to face your wrath, feel as if he or she is backed up in a corner, or just want to be spiteful, this person will not tell you the truth. Instead, he or she will make up a story that this person hopes you might believe.
6) Find fault with you to digress from what they did or didn’t do. Ask your lover about a task that he or she said would be done or mention to your "Babe" that you noticed he or she hasn't bothered to spend time with you lately. He or she might have a reason why, but by the end of the conversation, you will find that you are defending yourself for things he or she brings up to circumvent the fact that this person isn't doing his or her part in the relationship.
7) Apologize. Someone told your lover that an apology goes far, so your "Sweetie" will attempt to make up for wrongdoing with a very nice "I’m sorry..." Meanwhile, you are still wondering if she (he) is being sincere and truthful. Actions speak louder than words, so observe how she (he) treats you afterward.
8) Beg. When they feel that you are about ready to end the relationship, your lover may talk about the years invested, everything you two have done together, what he/she has done for you, etc. When it comes down to it, the beggar is just saying these things, because you caught him or her off guard when this person wasn’t ready to break up with you. In the future, watch what this person says and does, if no changes and things get worse, he or she may be preparing to break up with you.
9) Cry. Tears are a good way to make you second-guess anything your partner says and does. He or she may be insincere. Don’t let your quest to seek truth be suffocated with your lover's tears. Act emotional right along with him or her if need be. Ask this person everything you have ever wanted to know. Frustrate him or her like a witness being questioned by an attorney, so that the truth will start spilling fourth. At some point, your partner will give up some details that will make you think whether he or she was ever being honest--connect the dots. This is also a good time to provide your lover with any proof you might have. When the emotional dispute is all said and done, your nagging gut feeling may begin to diminish.
10) Become controlling. Your girlfriend or boyfriend didn’t want you to find out about personal secrets, the lies told or anything else that puts him or her in a negative light with you, so if the individual suspects that you may be considering on ending the relationship, then be prepared for him or her to act controlling. The idea of you being with someone else is too much for this person to accept when he or she isn't ready to move on. Your lover will start wanting to keep up with you more than ever before, he or she will become very interested in what you are thinking, where you are going and who are you going with. Most of all, your mate will try to control the way you should be feeling about him or her by attempting to make you feel like everything you think, do, feel or say is wrong.
There are tricky men and women online and offline and they will not hesitate to use and abuse those who they think are naïve and gullible. Stay one step ahead and take your time before adding a lover to your bank account, letting him or her drive your car, cohabitate, get engaged or married to someone.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.