I was that relative showing up at
the holiday event with the old guy, seen walking with the old guy, and at the
club with the old guy years ago. So, the family didn't like that too
much. "Why are you with that older man? You are too young for
him. What do you see in him? What does he see in you? Oh, you
got daddy issues!" Wow! Thanks so much fam, for the
support!
It wasn't that the old guy or
guys (there was more than one) were seniors who were leaned over in walkers,
farting, and scratching their rears! They were in their 40s (one in his
50s), professionals, dressed well, and had all their senses about them. I
was in my 20s at the time and yes, a head-turner.
I liked dating those guys, I
liked their presence, the way they moved. They were mature, kind,
generous, and took their time about things. They weren't in a rush to do
everything under the sun, they weren't silly men, and they weren't ugly.
They were friendly and I liked friendly. I talked to just about anyone at
that time in my life. I like good conversation, so hey, they were around,
I was around and so let's get the party started! But that was then....
What have I learned since then
when one brings the old guy here there and everywhere? Your family has a
point. You weren't expecting that, huh? Do you really know the older
guy and what exactly he wants with you? Do you truly understand what
might the future hold if you should get pregnant, get married, and how deep the
rabbit hole goes with his past? Can you handle all of what comes with him
or many hims in your 20s? Looking back, had those men not shielded me
from their demons, the answer would be, "No!" They gave me the
g-rated version of themselves because simply put, they were involved with me
for a good time. I wasn't the future. I was in the meantime.
Let me say that again, in the meantime!
What I discovered in our talks
was that there was a wife, a mistress, ex-girlfriends, and women who had been
in their lives who had only wanted friendship and so those ladies got away
without giving them a single kiss. I would later discover for good
reasons. Those friendly, older men didn't want to be faithful, they
didn't want to spend money, they didn't want children, they didn't want to be
honest with themselves much less anyone else, they didn't want to be going
places, all they really wanted was a "I want it now"
experience!
Well, I was in my 20s (young, dumb,
and full of...) and I too just wanted an "in the meantime"
experience, because the truth was, I really didn't know exactly what I wanted
in a relationship. It just seemed fun shrouding my mind with mystery
about Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, and Mike--lol and I didn’t think I was
"Poison" at the time. I mean that
girl might be “poison,” because you couldn't get the upper hand on her and you
and the crew couldn’t do her, but I digress.
I just liked being in the
moment and guessing what was behind door number 3 back in the 90s when issues
with these "old fools" would arise as my family would put it.
Ignoring all red flag warning signs, operating on cruise control, I saw that
their traffic was showing up in my life, uh oh, turn off cruise control to
avoid a wreck! My turning off cruise control was just not calling back,
no longer accepting invites, declining gifts, and moving on to the next one who
might be better than the last.
I wasn't interested in learning
the answer to "why" I dated older in my youth, I just liked doing it
until I didn't. I started connecting the dots much later in life.
Since then, I wrote Say
Goodbye to Dad, Laboring
to Love an Abusive Mate, Socially
Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, and Laboring
to Love Myself for good reasons. I began to connect with my
spiritual self and realized the importance of having a faith and why it is
crucial early on in life to maintain it so that one isn't here, there, and
everywhere--no matter the age!
So, who really was the old guy or
guys who were either invited or randomly showing up in my life? They were
extensions of an old me, who wanted to become a new me, but wasn't quite sure
how to go about it between all the distractions.
Upon closer inspection of these
older men and what they had going on or not, they represented what I wanted for
me! I wanted a car back then, but I had no driver's license, so they were
all-too willing to drive me. But that's not what I needed--I needed a
teacher. I wanted money, lots of it, and they were willing to buy me a
dinner here and a movie ticket there, but they weren't going to pay my
bills. What I needed was a career coach. They were creative and
some were handy. Nice compliments to my lifestyle, but it didn't hurt to
learn a trade or two so I could fix my own stuff.
A couple of older men already
had families that they were supposedly responsible for (so why be out in those
streets)? I didn't need to involve myself in their family dramas, I just
needed to continue to read about marriage and family in the quiet of my
place.
You see, the dating older, at
least for me, was much deeper than it appeared to be. I hadn't put it
altogether at that time in my life because I simply didn't know what was
happening with me or them. Then I also learned they were having a
mid-life crisis even though they wouldn't dare say so. They were still
trying to figure out what they wanted at that time in their lives; oftentimes
they weren't all that happy about where they were in life. I was somehow
a vision/fantasy/a goal of what they had yet to accomplish in life or in some
cases they had not come to terms with their youthful passions were officially over.
My youth was still very much
alive and thriving and that’s what those older guys back then wanted for
themselves again. One said, "I made him feel alive
again..." Another one said, "I feel like I am back in high
school again." Another guy said, "I'll leave my wife for
you!" What!? My energy was what they remembered from
yesteryear. My drive to win at whatever I was doing professionally made
them feel like they could do some things differently in their lives including a
few pursuing other careers and making more money based on my suggestions.
They lived vicariously through me when I performed (I had my own poetry group
and I acted part-time). I talked about what my next moves were back in
college including moving out of state to pursue a career in journalism, and why
I enjoyed what I did at the time. So, I was not only "cute, beautiful,
gorgeous, energetic, fun, cool to be around," they would say, but I had a
lot going on in my young life.
So, the next time you or
someone you know starts that conversation with, "Who's the old guy?"
Just say, "He's a part of me in the meantime." If they don't
get it, no need to explain. Looking back at young me and giving her a bit of advice,
I wouldn't say why are you dating these old guys, rather I would say,
"Let's get this guy to either teach you how to drive or pay for
lessons. Let's get that other guy to hook you up with some names and
numbers to help you get a better job. And your other friend, well girlfriend,
don't continue to befriend him, he already got what you are trying to get one
day, marriage and family. Don’t waste
your time with people seeking vain pursuits!"
When you discover that the old
guy is you, it's time to rediscover who exactly you want to become by putting
off the old guy and putting on the new you!
Nicholl McGuire is the owner
and contributor to this blog. Learn more here.
