Tuesday

Why You Don't Get Involved with Someone Older, Younger

There are life lessons to be learned the hard way when it comes to dating older and younger.  Some things you simply don't learn by someone cautioning you, you end up discovering why they warned you in the first place much later in life.  You most likely heard the following:

"She is just too young for you.  What do you think is going to happen when you are like 50 and she is like 25?"  Life lesson:  She isn't that interested in you and thinks you are controlling.

"He is too old for you.  Besides think about how old he will be when your child is a teenager?"  Life lesson:  He parents more like a grandparent--he spoils the child.  He doesn't care much what the child does.

"Why would you want to date someone so young? Is it because you just can't seem to find anyone who will put up with your immaturity?"  Life lesson:  She is so immature.  What was I thinking?

"I told you not to get with someone older, now he can't do for you...he is boring and tired!"  Life lesson: Looks like you will be taking care of a senior citizen who has now retired from his job.

Those of us, who have dated older for decades and experienced our share of heartache multiple times, most likely wouldn't do it all over again if given the chance.  There is a delusion one has that he or she will always be young whether you are the older one or your partner is the younger one wishing you will always look like your younger looking self.

So you go all in, in a new relationship, hoping that it will work this time.  He is older, more patient, kind, considerate...than the last one but remember, he is older.  She is younger, sweeter, and more attractive than the last one, but she is younger.  What the aging process teaches us is what we see today is not what is going to be tomorrow.

The older gentleman may not be as attentive to you like he was in the beginning of the relationship.  He may not want to experience intimacy in the way you had envisioned it.  He also may not enjoy what you like because he doesn't have the energy like he once did.  The younger woman is not going to always be naïve, bubbly, and patient.  She also is not going to always be understanding about the older man wanting to "protect" his finances.  Her family is going to ask her one day, "What exactly does he want with you?  Why are you wasting time with him when there are so many more attractive men your own age out there?"

No one should get involved with someone older or younger for shallow reasons, but they do!  You know those reasons like, "She is so mature for her age.  He is so mature for his...not like those other guys."  Those reasons don't nurture nor sustain the relationship.  You have to be involved with someone because you genuinely like/love, respect, and see yourself with him or her for the rest of your lives.  You love through thick and thin. You teach one another how you want to be treated.  You communicate the good, bad and ugly and avoid the verbal or non-verbal immature attacks.  A younger woman is not going to keep stroking her older partner's ego especially if he doesn't have the time or patience to stroke hers.  There is more to a relationship besides fancy trips and cool gifts.  An older man isn't going to remain interested in a young lady if all he seems to get from her is beauty and sex.

You don't involve yourself with a younger or older partner if you know you just can't keep up with his or her pace whether that is in or out of the bedroom.  Lovers feel jaded when their needs aren't being met.  The excuses get old.  Conversation can grow boring and so can daily routines.  If you don't have the energy to spice things up, why are you in a relationship again?  If you don't have the mental capacity to take just one more thing coming out of your young partner's mouth?  Why are you in a relationship again?

Relationships don't get easier with age, they get harder particularly when you haven't grown old together.  This is why it is best to stick to your own age and settle down with someone you have more in common with and who understands what season in life you are in.  It is not fair to keep someone in your life just because he or she is older or younger.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and the owner of this blog.

Wednesday

Test Whether a Date is Trustworthy

Sometimes dating is far more difficult than it should be simply because dates are not honest with themselves or others.  In order to learn whether someone is trust worthy, you will need to put them through some tests.

1)  Place money in a spot and notice whether your date will take it without mentioning that it is there.

2)  Share seemingly private information to a date and notice whether he or she will carry that information to a mutual friend.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
3)  Tell your date something strange or embarrassing and add, “I don’t want my mother to know.”  Then take your date to meet your mother.  Visit with Mom or parents for awhile and find out later if your date shared anything personal about you to them.  No matter how silly it was or even made up, your date has showed he or she can’t be trusted with valuable information.  You can test your date again this time visiting a chatty friend and notice whether he or she mentions something private about you.

4)  Leave your phone out with no privacy settings.  Will your date take a look?  Set up a hidden camera.

5)  Set one of your bedroom drawers in such a way where you purposely leave something hanging out.  Inside the drawer leave an old wallet or change purse and see if any of the contents were checked or removed.

6)  Set an envelope out in the open that says “confidential,” will your date ask you about it or wait until you leave and check it.

7)  Send your date to pick up something from a store using a debit card you don’t have much money on.  Specifically state a dollar amount your date is permitted to spend, will he or she spend more than what you told him or her?  Worse, will he or she fail to get you what you want and come back with something else for self!

With tips like these, you will easily be able to determine your date’s level of trustworthiness.  Most people who fail a few or more of these tests are usually selfish, dishonest and manipulative.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She’s Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.  

Friday

The Isolated, Controlled Young Victim (Woman)

She didn’t realize she had isolated herself from family and friends until she stopped hearing the phone ring.

The older gentlemen didn’t fully comprehend what he had done when he told his Significant Younger Other things like: “Stay home with me sometime…”, “You go out too much,” “Miss you,” “Can’t get enough of you…”  When the young woman dismissed what he had said, questioned, or ignored his concerns, he punished her with silent treatment for weeks.  He understood somewhat that his guilt-tripping her was upsetting.  However, he felt justified in doing so because he didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when she was gone away.  Further, he didn’t like her reasons for wanting to enjoy herself without him periodically.


In time, she learned how to do what he wanted to “keep the peace,” “to keep him from giving her the cold shoulder,” and “to get along, because the stress wasn’t worth it.”  The victim believed she was compromising and building a healthy relationship, but was she?

The controlling man had won!  Although at times the victim felt alone, confused, and didn’t feel like she could do anything right, she shrugged her emotions off.  The concerns about her leaving grew into other issues the older man felt he needed to manage.  He wanted her to be more generous with her finances.  Then the abuser expected her to meet household needs like: grocery shopping and cleaning.  While his demands increased, her self-esteem decreased.

Isolation keeps others from knowing exactly what is going on in one’s relationship.  A victim learns to grow dependent on her controller and less independent.  Insecure abusers, who also have low self-esteem, feel a sense of importance when they are able to manipulate their victims into giving up their freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

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