Wednesday

Test Whether a Date is Trustworthy

Sometimes dating is far more difficult than it should be simply because dates are not honest with themselves or others.  In order to learn whether someone is trust worthy, you will need to put them through some tests.

1)  Place money in a spot and notice whether your date will take it without mentioning that it is there.

2)  Share seemingly private information to a date and notice whether he or she will carry that information to a mutual friend.

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3)  Tell your date something strange or embarrassing and add, “I don’t want my mother to know.”  Then take your date to meet your mother.  Visit with Mom or parents for awhile and find out later if your date shared anything personal about you to them.  No matter how silly it was or even made up, your date has showed he or she can’t be trusted with valuable information.  You can test your date again this time visiting a chatty friend and notice whether he or she mentions something private about you.

4)  Leave your phone out with no privacy settings.  Will your date take a look?  Set up a hidden camera.

5)  Set one of your bedroom drawers in such a way where you purposely leave something hanging out.  Inside the drawer leave an old wallet or change purse and see if any of the contents were checked or removed.

6)  Set an envelope out in the open that says “confidential,” will your date ask you about it or wait until you leave and check it.

7)  Send your date to pick up something from a store using a debit card you don’t have much money on.  Specifically state a dollar amount your date is permitted to spend, will he or she spend more than what you told him or her?  Worse, will he or she fail to get you what you want and come back with something else for self!

With tips like these, you will easily be able to determine your date’s level of trustworthiness.  Most people who fail a few or more of these tests are usually selfish, dishonest and manipulative.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She’s Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.  

Friday

The Isolated, Controlled Young Victim (Woman)

She didn’t realize she had isolated herself from family and friends until she stopped hearing the phone ring.

The older gentlemen didn’t fully comprehend what he had done when he told his Significant Younger Other things like: “Stay home with me sometime…”, “You go out too much,” “Miss you,” “Can’t get enough of you…”  When the young woman dismissed what he had said, questioned, or ignored his concerns, he punished her with silent treatment for weeks.  He understood somewhat that his guilt-tripping her was upsetting.  However, he felt justified in doing so because he didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when she was gone away.  Further, he didn’t like her reasons for wanting to enjoy herself without him periodically.


In time, she learned how to do what he wanted to “keep the peace,” “to keep him from giving her the cold shoulder,” and “to get along, because the stress wasn’t worth it.”  The victim believed she was compromising and building a healthy relationship, but was she?

The controlling man had won!  Although at times the victim felt alone, confused, and didn’t feel like she could do anything right, she shrugged her emotions off.  The concerns about her leaving grew into other issues the older man felt he needed to manage.  He wanted her to be more generous with her finances.  Then the abuser expected her to meet household needs like: grocery shopping and cleaning.  While his demands increased, her self-esteem decreased.

Isolation keeps others from knowing exactly what is going on in one’s relationship.  A victim learns to grow dependent on her controller and less independent.  Insecure abusers, who also have low self-esteem, feel a sense of importance when they are able to manipulate their victims into giving up their freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Tuesday

Young Women: The Pretty Boy will Play You Even if He is Older

When will some young and old women learn?  The pretty boy (or once pretty boy) has been well-trained by other attractive individuals on how to benefit from those men and women who aren’t as appealing as he.  The strategy: to use his handsome appearance to get what he wants.  The unattractive targets need not be concerned about your wants just be glad you were able to catch his eye.  Terrible attitude the pretty boy has, but with such good looks why be concerned with attitude? In his eyes, you should be d@mn grateful to even be in the same room with him!  

When you come from a family of beautiful and handsome men and women, most likely those in the group have repeatedly encouraged you and other family members to connect with someone who is just as attractive if not more.  In so many ways, they tell you, "Don't bring any ugly people around here!"  So older might fall under the ugly category if you don't keep your looks up.  So shallow conceited people are, but you don't have to date/sex/marry them!

Let’s face it, stunning men and women don’t come around often, and when they do, oftentimes most not-so appealing people will want to talk, date, or have a fling with them.  This is why some older men don't care if a hottie has 10 boyfriends in addition to him, all some gentlemen care about is how "fine," "sexy" or "young" she is and when can they have sex.  Mature men know it isn't often that a young, attractive person comes their way, so when they do, "What do you like?"  Is one of many charming questions they might ask in attempt to get their needs met too.

If that handsome man, who knows he is fine, shows a little interest in someone who isn’t attractive, the individual receiving the attention thinks that he or she is on top of the world.  Desperation tends to come out with the dare I say it, ugly person to stay in that attractive person’s radar because he or she knows that there are many others they could be with instead of him or her.

Unattractive people with low self-esteem tend to put far more into relationships with pretty boys than most.  They even stick around well past the expiration date.  They know a relationship is unfulfilling, yet they try to make things work, because, "Well, he is so good-looking!"  They know they are gorgeous, have more opportunities, etc., yet they will go the distance with pretty boys if they can stand the pain of cheating, lying, power and control remaining with them.  Pretty boys who don't know they are jaw-dropping handsome tend to pick partners who may not even come close to appealing, but are "nice" or "easy to talk to." 

Of course, there is more than meets the eye in some of these relationships, but when exactly do you know that a pretty boy is merely putting on an act?  You don't unless you pay attention to signs that his mind is everywhere but on you.  He knows that he isn’t that into you, he thinks he might grow to love you, but the reality this might happen is dismal.  

A selfish, pretty boy always has it in the back of his mind, "I can do better.  Why do I bother with this ugly, over weight, unattractive, or crazy woman?"  The reason who puts up with whoever or whatever in the meantime is because he is getting one or many of his most important needs met: house, car, bills paid, clothes bought, travel, gifts, etc.

The pretty boys' women have money, a generous spirit, connections, and good credit while the women who might be equally beautiful don’t have as much.  Anyone with good sense knows you go where the opportunity is.  No matter how sexy someone looks, if he or she can’t keep a roof over his or her head, food in the fridge, and money in his or her pocket, then that person isn't worth anyone's time especially for the pretty boy!  Many pretty boys are also mama's boys and most likely were told to look your best and you will get the best!  Shallow-thinking moms raise shallow-thinking sons.

Pretty boys are use to being cared for and are typically the favorite in the family.  If they have used their handsomeness to get over on family and ahead in life, a less attractive partner will need to be aware that he will use his beautiful eyes, dashing smile, fit build, and charming words to control her too.  He knows that his woman feels insecure, threatened, and might even lose her cool around competition, so if he does have women friends or lovers, he is going to be careful to keep them on the down low.  He doesn’t want to mess up the money, gifts and other things he might be getting from his unattractive woman.

Some older men still think they are pretty boys even when beauty has long faded due to the gaining process and not taking good care of themselves over decades.  They may have received many compliments in their youth, but now that they are older, they simply aren’t nice to view especially for a long period of time or on a daily basis.  This is why their relationships with younger companions don't last over time.  

Older men who think they still got it are often frustrated when they see the truth for what it is.  There are far better looking men who are working hard to take care of themselves.  They are turning heads and find it easy to meet women.  But the unattractive men, who falsely believe they still got it, learn the hard way.  Most women, especially young ones, are really not interested in them unless money, security, power and fame are involved.  

Many selfish women look to the Internet to solve their problems with meeting "the right men."  It is then that the playing starts.  Both the attractive as well as the unattractive older men, who falsely believe they are something that they are not, sometimes operate like gold-diggers hoping to obtain not only sex, but fun times they don’t have to pay for with women--think: the attractive Dine and Dash type.  Meanwhile, these sex starved, desperate women will gladly welcome them not knowing they are being played even before these men’s dating profiles are fully completed.

Best advice: Don't date for looks or for money!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues. 

No Support for Underage Sex, Dating Minors

I understand that some men and women enjoy dating older and younger.  But how young are we talking?  There are laws in the land for good reason.  I know that some men and women have their attractions, preferences to certain age groups.  I for one had mine, older men.  For some older men, they absolutely love dating younger women in their twenties.  I was once in my twenties and dated my share of men in their 40s and one in his fifties.  However, I don't support dating/abusing/messing with children, seriously.  They are still developing mentally and physically, they have their lives ahead of them so why spoil them?  Yet, selfish predators will do just that!  Most likely they were spoiled by someone or a group who abused them and now here they go repeating the cycle.  Children don't deserve that no matter how much they think they are mature enough to handle someone older!

When I didn't have children I stayed away from topics like this because my thought was, "It's not my business."  But that was incorrect thinking, it is your business--it's everyone's business!  That is someone's child.  A child who can learn much about life in positive and productive ways that foster independence, raise self-esteem, teach them to be good spouses and parents without trading their innocence!  This is why there are functional caretakers, authorities and licensed professionals available who aren't the least bit interested in taking advantage of them sexually.  Yet, we live in a world of predators who could care less about anyone but their selfish needs being met no matter how dark, disturbing, or demented they might be!  For some sexual predators, as long as it isn't their child being abused, they don't care!  These same people will talk up a storm about what they wouldn't allow to happen to their mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces, etc.  But that victim, who is being used and/or abused, is someone's relative, friend, co-worker...!

As much as some men and women attempt to justify their dysfunctional relationships, those of us who know better just aren't buying it!  A young, brainwashed woman, who managed to get free from her abusive handler/lover, shared her experience--at the time she met him she was underage.  She wrote about it anonymously and spoke about her ordeal on television.  Some of you might be familiar with American R&B singer and songwriter R. Kelly.  She claims he allegedly abused her as well as many other women.  You can check her work out for yourself here.  If the 90 plus page book is taken down, look for it under this title, Sex Me Confessions of Daddy's Little Freak.  Funny, when I was about 19 years old, I looked at that CD by Aaliyah, "Age ain't nothing but a number" and in the background stood R. Kelly.  He looked suspect back then and I turned to my boyfriend and said something like, "Look at this title, he probably is with her."  Yep, he was.  Aaliyah was 15 years old when rumors surfaced about her and R. Kelly. 

It's unfortunate that I have to include a blog post such as this, but it is very necessary since some people just don't understand that age is more than a number when you are dealing with children not only are you destroying a child, but your life too when a person or group finds out, is it worth it?

Nicholl McGuire


Wednesday

You Can't Help Who You Fall in Love With...

You might not be able to help who you fall in love with, but you can exercise self-control through the process. Too many people claim to be in love, but are they really?  It looks more like falling head over heals in lust with others before they truly experience real love. 

You know that your "love" for someone isn't real when you are easily offended over the things they say or do no matter how harmless and you find it hard to forgive.  You know that you aren't in love when you are more concerned about one's appearance and less focused on how they respond to you.  You know that you are still getting over your past when you find that your emotions are not aligning with the person you are currently with no matter how much you convince yourself you love him or her.

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Love is active, peaceful, freeing, hopeful, caring, and considerate.  But what love isn't is unkind, rude, arrogant, and selfish.  You may love someone and he or she might be significantly older or younger.  Check whether you sincerely believe that what you are feeling for this person is indeed love.  Here's how...

1) When your partner is around, your thoughts are not often negative, but positive--you aim to please!

2)  You think twice about talking rudely to your partner like saying mean things about him or her whether in-person or behind his or her back.

3)  You often think of a future with your fellow or gal and you just can't see yourself living without him or her.

4)  You are determined to make your relationship work no matter how difficult it gets.  However, you have far more positive days then negative ones.

5) Any form of abuse is absent from your relationship.  You wouldn't even think of insulting or assaulting your loved one.

6)  You don't hesitate to help that special someone when called upon or even when there is no request.  You are conscience of your partner's needs. "Thoughtful and considerate..." are words that your partner uses to describe you.

7)  You don't mind proclaiming to the world that this person is your mate.  You will defend him or her no matter what!

Whether black, brown, yellow or white, you just don't care about what others think.  You love your friend and that is all that matters!

Learn more about Nicholl McGuire, owner of this blog, here: Facebook.

Tuesday

On Ending a Miserable Relationship

A man tells a woman that he is in love with her, wants the pair to move in together, and promises to marry her and have children with his special lady one day.  The woman is excited about the future.  She tells her friends just how much her new man has made her happy.  The two plan dates on when to move-in together and discuss a future date for a wedding.  It all appears normal, right?

As the relationship matures, the couple begins to notice things about one another’s personalities that turn them off.  The man is easily angered over small things like how his partner organizes things and how often she visits with her family.  The woman isn’t happy about the way her mate talks to her when he needs something and isn’t fond of how he smells.  In time, the little issues grow into bigger ones and the two break up.  The former couple moves on with their lives.

During the process of breaking up, like the couple described previously, many individuals don't do anything about the anger still within after disputes.  Communication might have left one another feeling disrespected.  Offensive comments said by relatives and friends might have caused conflict.  Bad relationships don't end up on any road toward forgiveness.  Unfortunately, future daters coming along don’t know about the rude awakening that is sure to come when one is still not over his or her ex or other past partners.

Ending a miserable relationship is not something that happens easily when feelings are still apparent between the pair, but it can be done successfully if one doesn't fall back into the arms of the one who is hurting him or her. 

1.  Find some time to be alone.  Ponder on the things that have made you so unhappy in the relationship.

2.  Talk with loved ones about how you feel in the relationship and consider their advice.

3.  Don't spend much time with a partner you are strongly thinking about breaking up with, this will only cause confusion.  You want to be clear with him or her that you are unhappy.

4.  Expect your date to act ugly during this time when you both aren't getting along, so be sure you safeguard your personal possessions and you alert necessary parties about a crazy ex.

5.  Whatever you do, don't play the make up to break up game because you will only prolong the break up process.

6.  As much as you want to believe someone has changed, the change he or she claims is temporary.  Most people are who they are and can't easily go from being a mean-spirited person to a sweetheart overnight unless their rage was substance induced.  

Working toward a happy ending for you is the best way to end a relationship.  You are no longer thinking of "We" but "I."  You recognize that a miserable connection is not what you want and so you do what it takes to free you of your mistake.

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