Wednesday

He's Old Enough to Be Her Dad

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
Some of us grew up during a time where dating a man, notice I didn't say boy, while you were still in high school was nothing out of the ordinary.  The girl knew that the man was quite possibly old enough to be her father and the man knew he was robbing the cradle.  It didn't help that the music and movies perpetuated this awkward and downright illegal relationship.  There were rappers singing about older men and girls dating one another. The girls were "loving" these men, lying about their ages, sneaking out of their parent's homes to meet older men, etc.  Although people knew this sort of behavior was wrong, they still encouraged it by bobbing their heads to the drum beats and making jokes about those celebrities who participated in pedophilia.  A man dating a girl or even a young woman 20 plus years younger is no laughing matter.

In many communities around our country, there is some young naïve or "fast tailed" girl or woman who has serious childhood issues that she doesn't recognize or can handle.  So when an older man comes along with his false promises of caring for her, she goes along with whatever he says just to get along.  To her, romance is nothing more than a movie complete with sex and dinner.  In her mind, she has never been treated like a lady by her younger boyfriends.  The older man holds her hand, brings her flowers, writes her love notes, takes her out to the mall, and buys her the things she wants, and much, much more which is usually taught in the bedroom.  Meanwhile, those boys or young men around her can't fathom what she sees in a wrinkled, grey haired, overweight older man who walks slow and talks slower.

There are so many young women who have so much potential to be something great without the need for a father figure, but that is exactly what her subconscious mind tells her when she looks at the older man.  "He will take care of you...he will buy you nice things...you don't have to worry about him playing head games...he loves you..."  But many older men do just that, play mind games.  They know how to take a younger woman and mold and shape her into what he desires (at least for a time--that is until she acts up--then on to the next one.)

Feel free to share the information on this site with those younger women you may know who are currently dating all sorts of men.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

Friday

Independent Woman: A Blessing & A Curse

Oh, how could it be that an independent woman could be both a blessing and a curse!?  Well nowadays this is just what she is.  You see, to an older man who grew up during a time when many women depended on a man to be both the breadwinner as well as drive the family from point a to point b, he is use to seeing men be the head in the family.  So he may think that he should take care that his partner is never without money and/or his service.  However, independent women of our present day actually frown on relationships like that.  They wonder what is wrong with a woman who relies on a man to drive her around or requests money from a man.  "She can do those things herself!"  They cry.  Sure, but if the partnership is working, who are we to judge? 

When the independent woman contributes to the relationship her finances or other material things, she is considered a blessing to a man.  However, when she expresses independent thoughts or ways that seem to overlook or overshadow her man, she is considered a curse.  The older man enjoys the fruits of her labor, but doesn't want her to control anything, because he feels like a leadership role is his proper place in the home.  Yet, independent women (especially those who have attended college) are very much like men, they are taught to not only service the people, but lead them too!  Great mentality for the workplace, but not so great for intimate relationships!  Too many leaders anywhere can create problems. 

Independent women everywhere are doing well for themselves there is no question about it.  There are both young and older men who take notice too!  Some think, "Well, what can she do for me? I mean, I could use some help in my finances and in my quest to get ahead.  I could use her to help me get where I want to be."  This is where being independent can also be a curse.  A successful woman is an easy target for men who aren't so successful; therefore she can easily be taken for granted. 

Couples must get an understanding, before they start seriously dating exclusively on what kind of relationship they hope to have with one another.  If the older man is the type who believes that a man should be king over his castle, then the two should talk about that.  If the woman believes that she should be treated equal or even treated like the head in the relationship, then the older man should take note.

Both mentalities will lead to future problems if neither aren't willing to reach compromises.

There are many young independent thinking women who consider men to be icing on their cakes (so to speak) similar to how men have long thought of women.  They don't see men as an important foundation in building up the relationship; rather these woman of today want to not only plan the cake, but also cook it and if a man comes along and wants to decorate it, that's okay, but it's not a requirement.  An older man who doesn't have this understanding with his younger partner on what his role is in the relationship will have problems with a younger women!  He should never assume that he knows younger women and how they think.  Just like most clothes, one size doesn't fit all.  She may remind you of someone and may even look like that person, but you must remind yourself that she is not!

Young women must also respect older men and their views about relationships--a man 10 plus years does have a different mindset than a man who is the same age as a young woman.  As mentioned in this blog before, a considerably younger woman can't teach a considerably older man new tricks especially if he is too tired, too busy, too stressed or simply too old to do what she asks. 

Far too many women, both young and old, desire to change men, and as we all know from watching other people go through bad relationships, it just doesn't work!   Couples, the ones that last, know when to just wave the white flag and say, "I surrender!"  An independent young woman who has her sights on her ambitions is not about to raise a white flag for anyone unless she sees some kind of benefit.  The older man must ask himself, "What am I willing to put up with?" 

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
Remember a young woman and an older man come from two different mindsets, possibly cultures, ethnicities, and the like.  Neither should expect to dance by the beat of each other's drum without giving up something.  The problem is an older man who is set in his ways isn't about to listen to someone younger and possibly inexperienced unless he sees some benefit.  A younger woman most likely had problems listening to her father or some other older male relative growing up, so the last thing she wants is another father figure. 

Both the younger woman and the older man will want to seriously evaluate the relationship and what exactly are the pros and cons to being with one another. He or she may want to seriously handle "the issues" (whatever they might be) as they arise without having to deal with the age factor unless need be.

In the heat of battle, no young woman wants to be called, "stupid, irresponsible or naïve" because she is younger and no older man wants to be called, "old, tired, forgetful or retarded" because he is older.  But when someone who thinks with an independent mindset feels like he or she knows better and really doesn't feel like his or her partner is an asset to one's life, he or she will act disrespectful, arrogant or downright ignorant.  Watch for these signs and more in your own relationship and be prepared to walk away when the time is right.

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

Love or Sex? Young Woman You Ought to Find Out What He Wants

Give it a little time, you know this dating relationship some of you young ladies might be in as I type.  He wants something from you, most likely if you ask your older man, "Do you want love or sex from me?" He will answer, "Both."  Nice response, but this isn't all you should be accepting.  Watch as well as listen.

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
There are older men who have everything planned out in terms of what kind of relationship they want, what they are willing to put forth, and what they will not settle for.  If he has been there and done that with marriage more than once, then he might not be interested in a serious relationship at this time.  If he is still wondering whether or not you are the one, he may not even love you, much less, like you.

You won't know what is really going on inside that man's head if you are not asking questions and observing his actions.  Is what he is saying, matching his actions?  Most older men know what to expect when it comes to dating and marriage, because they have years of experience.  They have been the player and been played.  They have watched their father, uncles, and others in their families play women.  So an older man, unless he has a mental handicap, has a plan of action when it comes to loving and sexing a woman.  He isn't interested in what she has to say if she isn't establishing boundaries from the minute he has laid eyes on her.

Men are attentive to women who not only look good, but have something between their ears (notice I didn't refer to that other thing--lol,) called a brain.  So some men like what is between one's legs as well, but is that going to keep the relationship going when he runs into some challenging times in his life?  What are you offering besides a pretty smile and a butt?

If you want love, Young Woman, then let it find and dine you.  If you desire a real companion, then put the breaks on all the romantic settings, and just allow you two to learn more about one another without the fluff like pretty hair, painted nails, a nice dress and a great restaurant.

Who is that man that calls you on the phone, really?  What is really going on between the lines of text and email that he sends you?  Does he really love you for always or does he just want to sex you today?

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Don't Believe the Hype: Not All Young Women Can Be "Trained"

I couldn't believe my ears, some years ago, I was told by someone, who had been around the block or two one too many times in life, that the reason why he specifically dated young women and others like him was because they were "trainable."  Like dogs, he believed that he could get a woman to act in a way he wanted.  Little did I know that later in life I would run into my share of men who thought that I was one of those "trainable" types.  They quickly got a rude awakening!

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com

It is so sad that there are men in this world who have been given such relationship advice when it comes to dating younger women.  They believe that if they can get young women (or any woman) to "go along just to get along" the relationship will work out in their favor.  Keep in mind the plan doesn't include having to give up anything that makes him a little bit uncomfortable or inconvenienced for a short or  long period of time. Maybe the older man is a father of small children and needs someone to babysit them so that he can have some personal time since the mother is no longer around, women his own age may not be interested in the role, but a young woman just might.  Although he may tell the younger woman, "I don't need you to raise my children, I just need a companion," if she is wise, she knows better.  How are you going to be in a serious relationship with any man who frequently has his children around him and you have zero influence on them unless you never interact with them?  The intention of the man is not to keep his new woman out of the loop, if anything, he is looking for a help mate or dare I say it, for the player type, someone he can take advantage of!

Now some women, whether young or old, fall for the niceties that mask one's true intent; however, others know better.  The manipulative older man is not going to get a young, wise woman to go along with anything without her questioning everything!  This is one of the main reason why some stubborn, settled older men will never get along with the independent, career minded younger women of today.  She isn't going to accept a simple yes or no answer from an older man when the question asked requires a full explanation.  She is going to be curious about public affiliations as well as private interests.  The wise, young woman has a "head on her shoulders" which makes her not trainable.  The manipulative older man should save some time and energy-- just move on!

Like young women who don't have much in life to start, the older man doesn't have much life left, so he is going to make the most of it!  "What can this young woman do for me?" He thinks.  "How can I get her to see things my way?"  The older man doesn't think he needs to do much compromising with the immature and youthful, because in his mind, he feels he has already paid many dues in life and besides he has been there and done that.

The older man has experienced long term relationships in the past, he knows what he has to give up.  He has heard the complaints and concerns from his previous sexual conquests.  So with a young woman (also known as a fresh piece of meat in the eyes of some lustful men,) he believes he can convince her that he isn't that person he used to be.  For some men, they do change, but not without sacrifice.  Some have lost finances, partners, children, homes and more to be that nice, humbled guy standing before you.  However, others will never change no matter what happens to them, if anything, things just might get worse for them and those who they choose to partner up with!  Would you want to be that young woman who comes into his life unsuspecting that he has a plan to train you, so that he can benefit in the short or long term?

Sometimes we have to put ourselves in other people's shoes when we come up with plans to try to make people do what we want.  That young woman is someone's daughter and that older man is oftentimes someone's father or even grandfather.  How would you feel if you were either or and along comes someone with a hidden agenda in your life?

Nicholl McGuire
Author of She's Crazy 

Wednesday

One of the Worst Mistakes a Young Woman Makes When Dating Older Men

I was thinking about one of the worst mistakes I made as well as other young women that I have known over the years who have dated someone older. The worst mistake we made was trust that everything an older, married man tells you is truth.

Gullible young women who want to be loved fall for the old, "I don't love my wife" trick.  They assume that the relationship between the older man and his ex is emotionally and physically over after 10 plus years and that somehow the once loyal, married older man is now in love with the younger woman.  Not so fast!  Even if he isn't sleeping with that older woman that he has left behind, doesn't mean that his heart is over her.

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
Young women want older men who can love them the way they want to be loved.  These women have had bad experiences with young, immature men.  What a breath of fresh air when the young woman finds an older man who sincerely loves her even if he is still married!  However, beware that there are some married men who just need a temporary distraction, something that will make them forget about their future ex who just so happens to be the mother of their children, a business partner, or an on again off again lover.

Young women, don't allow yourselves to be caught in a married man's lies!  "I don't love her...we never have sex...I wasn't sleeping with her...I don't visit her...we don't talk on the phone...I'm going to divorce her and marry you...I love you...we have so much in common..."

The deceptive, older man manipulates his words to get you to perform in ways that he wants.  If he desires to date you and wants you to date him exclusively, then he will make himself more available to you and he might give you some money and gifts to keep you interested.  If he wants sex from you, then he will test you to see how much work he might have to put in to get you to go to bed with him.  Meanwhile, his heart may be reserved for that woman he left who helped him raise children, build a business, invest in property, and more.  You might recall the deceptive, older man say something to you like, "I broke up with the ex because we no longer got along, she was boring...didn't appreciate me...always argued...cheated."  Sure, and he never did anything wrong always said, "please and thank you."  Don't fall for it!

One day that older man is going to realize that he would have been better off with the wife of his youth; rather than try to get a new one to preserve his youth and that's when hearts will be broken.  Don't be gullible!  Young women, watch more and talk less when dealing with an older man and never trust everything he says as truth until proven otherwise.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Saturday

Trying to Fit In to the Point of Deceiving Your Date?

"Be yourself!"  You heard this phrase from people who give you advice on how to act around certain individuals and groups.  However, for the older man and younger woman dating one another, it can be easier said than done.

I have been the one who was trying to act older at one point to impress a man back in my early twenties, but I was also on the receiving end when an older man was trying to act younger than what he was.  Both of us were nothing more than deceiving one another, at least for awhile; however eventually, we were found out!  He says, "I enjoy traveling..." but he doesn't go anywhere on his off time.  She says, "I love going to jazz concerts..." and she has only been to one in her life-time.  Do you see the false fronts?

Someone is going to have a bad day while finding out the truth and that is when the cover is blown!  A younger woman finds out the truth about the older man, so, "You really don't do much at all!?"  The older man finds out the truth about the younger woman, "You aren't as active as I thought!  Heck, you barely have sex!?"  Neither is who they claim to be!  He may have initially thought, "She acts quite mature for her age..."  On the other hand, she thinks, "He is quite fun and youthful!"  After spending a little time with one another, they quickly learn there are problems and lots of them.  "You are just a daddy's girl looking for a sugar daddy, huh!?"  He yells.  "Well, what about you?  You just want a daughter to care for you in your old age!"
tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
What both the older man and younger woman must remember is trying to fit in with one another by talking or acting a certain way will not win one another over for long.  Unless you are a skilled actor or actress who can keep your role up all day and everyday, it is only a matter of time that you will slip up.

The old statement, "Be yourself," means just that!  Don't act any different than you do on a daily basis.  State what you like to do, but inform your date what you are presently doing with your life.  If you are embarrassed about a mediocre life, then start doing something to make it more interesting, but be genuine.  If you know that you tend to act quite immature, work on your short-comings.  Please note younger women, some personal issues will only go away with time and experience and an older man must be patient with you.

As much as we want to belong to someone that fits us like a hand in a glove, we must remember that no such person exists.  They may come close, but like hats and gloves, one size doesn't fit all.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues

Monday

When Young Women Love Older Men

There are older women in circles right now discussing why men in their age group go for younger women. They are usually angry, jealous, and bitter about the fact because they know that once they reach a certain age the pickings for men get a lot slimmer. That is why some older women will not move on or be content being alone. They will hold on to their unavailable ex, date a player, put up with a drunk, and use drugs with an addict or anything else just because they are so desperate to keep a man even when he doesn’t want them anymore. So when a younger woman comes along and the older man divorces his wife for her, cheats on his older girlfriend for her or does something else to be with her, some of these older women act like old fools! The younger woman isn’t to blame in most cases unless she deliberately went after an unavailable, happily married man. However, usually these older men are unhappily married, living separate from their wives, divorced, or dating other women but just haven’t found one to date exclusively yet. Whatever his issue, his wife’s issue or his ex’s issue, the point is the young woman has now fallen in love with him.

What does she feel when she is in love with her older man? What does her action or inaction in the relationship with him look like? Let’s answer these questions.

Since every woman is different it’s hard to provide specific details as to how she feels about him, but there are some basic things to look out for if you intend to make the relationship a happy one. Because she is younger, she doesn’t usually have as much life experience as you. Depending on her age, she may have just moved out of mommy and daddy’s home and is beginning to start a life of her own free of authority figures. So if you come along and try to tell her how to live her life like a parent, then she can very easily fall out of love with you and the idea of ever dating a man older and settle with someone closer to her age. However, if you act more like a friend and encourage her to live independently and enjoy her life, then she will eventually find her way to you because you are not stifling her from being the kind of woman she is destined to be.

Some younger women fall deeply in love with older men because her father didn’t show her the kind of love she wanted as a child. He may have been absent, physically abusive, or mentally unaware of her existence because he was too busy working. So here you are this wonderful, kind older gentleman with your arms open wide and she will not hesitate to jump in them and look to you to be a father that she never had. Now this isn’t always the case, some younger women had great relationships with their dad and wish to be with men who have similar attributes as their father. If their dad was hardworking, took great care of the family, honest, and church-going, then she may expect the same from you. This kind of thinking is not only with young women who date older men but any woman dating any man of any color, age, race, or creed.

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
When she truly loves her older man she will want to do everything for him and be the kind of woman he adores. This concept is no different if she was with a man the same age or younger. A woman who is treated with respect, admired, loved, and appreciated will react just like a man who feels the same way. She will go out of her way to make him happy when she is in love. However, if she isn’t she will grow distant and will start to think of what she may have missed out on by not being with a man her own age. Her family if they notice that she is not happy in the relationship will encourage her to break up with the older man and find someone more age appropriate for her. That is why some older men try to keep the family out of her life because they want to be the only ones who have control over her. Unfortunately, their plan of control usually backfires and the young woman who was once blind begins to see and realizes that the older man is just not for her.

Younger women can be a blessing to older men especially when these men reach an age where they can no longer care for themselves. She will at that point in their lives not only be their lover but be a trusted caretaker as well. An older man tends to have the best of both worlds when dealing with a younger woman (that is why his friends will envy him), he can be free to relive his youth again and he knows that if she is in love with him she will see to it that he is taken care of for the rest of his life.

By Nicholl McGuire
Author of She's Crazy

Wednesday

How to Know You Are Not Ready to Date an Older Man

You like the idea of dating someone older, but are you really ready? Article provides tips to help you answer that question.

He approached you whether in person or over the Internet, you know how old this older man is and you think you might take him up on his offer to go out, but do you really know what to expect? You may know enough about him that turns you off, but there are a few things about him that turn you on more. Questions come to mind such as, “What if I don’t like him? What would my family and friends think if I date him?” This is why it is important to seriously think through whether you want to date an older man. Here are some signs to watch out for that will help you determine whether you are ready or not.

One. You can’t seem to look past his gray or thinning hair, sagging skin, age spots, or deep lines and wrinkles on his face and body.

Two. You complain often about his choice in television and radio shows and would prefer he get more involved with your world.

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
Three. You find yourself wishing that he would change his wardrobe.

Four. You are often embarrassed being seen with him in public and can’t handle the dirty looks some people give you.

Five. When you communicate your thoughts or interests to him, you feel that he is more interested in having sex with you.

Six. You feel uncomfortable with the idea that his daughter or son is about your age and his ex-wife is about your mother’s age.

Seven. You enjoy his money more than his company.

Eight. You often struggle with trying “to fit in” with his family because of their age differences too.

Nine. When he asks, “Do you have a problem with our age difference, you find yourself lying.”

Ten. You can’t handle when he or his relatives make jokes about him being your “sugar daddy” and you being “a gold digger.” You are angry often and find yourself fantasizing about dating someone your own age.

Now that you have 10 tips to help you understand whether you sincerely want to date an older man, it’s time to put yourself to the test! If at any time you feel that a dating relationship with an older man isn’t right for you, be honest and tell him. He may not agree but at least he will respect you for your honesty.

By Nicholl McGuire
Dating & Relationship Advice

Sunday

How to Take it Slow When Dating: 7 Dos of Getting to Know Your Mate

You met someone that you really admire and you tell your family and friends about him or her. They will most likely caution you “to take it slow.” What exactly does that mean anyway? You feel almost offended by their remark, because you know that you are going to let love run its course no matter how fast or slow. However, you know from past experiences that their advice isn’t wrong, so how do you take it slow when dating an older or younger someone who knocks you off your feet? The following are seven dating dos that will help you take it slow:

One. Do go to plenty of public places together.

tipsdatingoldermen.BlogSpot.com
Oftentimes when age gap couples realize they really like being in each other’s presence, they abandon great opportunities to discover new things together outside of the bedroom. Then their relationship crashes and burns before it gets started. Remember to keep the relationship fresh by creating new things to do together.

Two. Do spend more time talking on the phone and using email during those early weeks of getting to know one another.

So many people miss signs that a person really isn’t their match, because they are often in a rush to get to the intimate stage of the relationship. Take this time to watch how they react when problems arise. Observe whether they keep their word about calling you on the phone or responding to your email.

Three. Do prepare questions to ask him or her prior to every meeting.

Have something to talk about every time you meet. Life is too short to allow opportunities to ask questions pass you by. You may be serious about getting married one day, having children, and buying a home. Why waste time by not asking what your potential mate wants out of life, what are the things that he or she values the most, and where does he or she see themselves in the future?

Four. Do participate in gift-giving.

Whether you are the one giving the gift or receiving the gift, expect or return the favor. When someone really likes you as much as they say they do, they will do whatever they can to make you happy and vice versa.

Five. Do date others until you are ready to commit.

You may not be completely sold on seeing this person so why prematurely commit to him or her. Allow yourself to get to know others until you are ready to settle down.

Six. Do explain to your new date that you are dating others.

Many May-December couples start off having problems because no one talks about the others that he or she may be seeing. Be honest about what you are doing. If you find that you have to lie or cover-up about these other relationships, then you may be ready to date this person exclusively. Find out how your date sincerely feels about you. If you both agree to date exclusively, cut the others off and update one another on your progress.

Seven. Do respect one another’s space and personal possessions.

When couples start getting serious about one another they falsely assume that they need to be around one another daily. They also think that they should share everything between one another because they are now a couple. However, it’s because of this kind of thinking that many couples go from being in love to falling out of love. Treasure your time apart and enjoy your things without feeling the need to have to share them all the time.

Now that you have seven dos to assist you with taking it slow while dating, read the article that discusses seven don’ts when taking it slow. These tips will help you get a better understanding of what it really means when people tell you to “take your time, take it slow, don’t rush…”

By Nicholl McGuire
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Tuesday

12 Signs a Young Woman is Being Played By a Dirty Old Man

What Some of Older Male Relatives May Not Have Told Young Women About Old Players

Your family and friends are concerned about your sudden interest in a man twice maybe even three times your age. They wonder what you see in him and secretly you wonder what he sees in you as well. You hope that this isn’t a fly by night romance for a man struggling with mid-life issues, but how do you know? There are 12 signs you may want to watch out for when relating to your older man. So put off the wedding plans in your head and the butterflies in your stomach for a moment while you read the following points.


One. He is adamant about no surprise visits at his home or work.

Now if he has nothing to hide why would he feel the need to tell you that?

Two. He will only see you on certain days of the week.

So there must be a schedule set to see one another?

Three. He often picks out places to entertain you that are far away from the city.

You may want to suggest places that are closer to the city then watch his reaction.

Four. He doesn’t share any information about his personal life such as mention conversations he may have had with family and friends.

He is often asking you questions about your day, but when you ask him questions about his day he is vague or unresponsive.

Five. He avoids spending holidays with you or comes by to see you very late in the day, during his lunch break, or early in the morning.

Once again, you should be questioning why?

Six. He is overly protective about his belongings especially his cell phone and computer.

Is it necessary to become angry if you just so happen to flip his phone back and look at the screen?

Seven. He often doesn’t stick to appointments with you because “something came up” which makes him late or causes him to cancel.

An occasional cancellation or an apology for being late is acceptable, but frequently – something is up?

Eight. He dresses nice on days when he is supposed to be casually dressed.

Did he tell you he had a meeting to go to prior to seeing you? He must have forgot to mention it or maybe he had another date before he came over to see you?

Nine. Whenever you try to change his routine or schedule suddenly, he is making up excuses.

Control freak or someone else is controlling his time.

Ten. He isn’t interested in meeting your family or friends and doesn’t offer to introduce you to any of his family or friends especially his parents.

He simply isn’t serious about you yet, give him some time.

Eleven. When you bring up marriage, children, or moving in together, he either smiles, avoids the issue, or jokes about it. Meanwhile, he is telling his friends, “Never again will I get married.”

If you want marriage and he doesn’t, what makes you think that you can change him?

Twelve. People in his neighborhood, especially women, look at you or him negatively and talk about all the women who come in and out of his home. They may even mention in so many words how they use to date him and make negative comments about him.

Women can’t keep a good secret, they will expose a bad person or bad behavior, and if she is a women scorned then she will let the cat out of the bag. Listen to what she is telling you in a round-about way—she is warning you.

If you have noticed all of these signs working together throughout the relationship then you are being played. Many young women overlook these signs because they don’t want to believe that their older men is betraying them, because they assume that because they look or act a certain way they can’t be played. Yet, if you were quick to give him your heart, plan your days around him, and believe every little thing that comes out of his mouth without paying attention to his actions, then you are subjecting yourself to his game. As the saying goes, don’t hate the player, hate the game.

By Nicholl McGuire

Monday

When an Older Man Denies He is having a Mid-Life Crisis

She didn’t accuse him of having an affair, because that wasn’t the truth; rather she accused him of having a mid-life crisis. Warning signs of what was ahead, she told him that if he didn’t start doing the following: eating right, exercising, seeing his doctor, following doctor’s orders, and taking his prescribed medicines that the relationship would be over. She hadn’t asked for much, at least so she thought, but he felt that she was being pushy, acting like his mother, and he wasn’t going to listen. In time the relationship went downhill. He stayed out all night at times with his friends. He didn’t bother to call when he would be late coming home from work. He wasn’t interested in having sex with her anymore. He wanted more out of life and so he quit his job and didn’t tell her until he got a new one months later. He took monies they saved over the years from a joint savings account and bought toys for himself and trinkets for his admirers. He hadn’t done the ultimate betrayal, as of yet which was have sex with other women, but he sure was thinking about it. Given all the porn she found in his computer. She had a crisis on her hands and he was in denial.


You may know of someone like this and you may have tried to speak some wisdom to him, but he refuses to listen. Experts say that when a man is having a midlife crisis you are to try to be supportive and don’t belittle him or pressure him to change his ways, rather go along for the ride because at some point he will come to his senses -- easier said than done. The truth is that many men don’t come to their senses until it’s too late. They move forward into a life that was directed by their hormones and then when they look back they see a trail of tears, broken hearts, debt, and other serious errors. As old as they are, they refuse to take full responsibility for the mess that they caused.

We make jokes about the man who has his shirt unbutton; wearing a toupee, driving a sports car with a young woman by his side, but it’s no laughing matter. His cloudy brain has made him indecisive, irrational, illogical, and at times downright strange. What can we do when he says that he isn’t having a mid-life crisis? We don’t deny the truth; instead, we just call his attention to the foolish decisions he makes and pray that he sees the light. We provide him with choices and make him think that he came up with our ideas. For instance, if we want to go somewhere or eat something different, we recall a time when he may have said something similar and then attribute the idea to him. “I only cooked this because you said….” Now this man in a midlife crisis has an attitude that changes from one day to the next. What he use to eat it he doesn’t eat anymore. What he use to wear he doesn’t like anymore. The places he use to frequent are not as exciting as they once were. He often forgets what you have told him and thinks that you are the one losing it when in all actuality he is losing it. But you don’t argue and you don’t challenge him. Instead, you keep the peace by being selective on what is worth fighting about and what isn’t. Everything is not up for debate unless you want to run him out of your home.

You always want to take the time to listen to his complaints and concerns and try to make the atmosphere livable. No, you can’t prevent him from cheating, lying stealing or doing anything else that makes you and the family look bad, but what you can do is have a faith. Look to something greater than yourself to see him through. Believe that God is watching and that he will help him through his crisis.

By Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Young Woman: What to Do When Breaking up with Older Man

You want to an end a relationship with an older man without making him feel that it’s his age that is an issue. You don’t want to have to hear, “I told you so!” from family and friends, but they told you so. Now you want to get out of this relationship that you feel is going nowhere so how do you do it?


First, take the time to plan what you are going to say. Be sure you are speaking from the heart. Meaning that everything you feel, you say. In this way it’s a clean break without any question; rather than coming back repeatedly to your ex with statements you forgot to say the first time.

Next, don’t say anything to your older man about breaking up until you are certain that is what you want to do. If you are still indecisive about being with him, you don’t want to say something before you are ready otherwise you will appear as if you are playing games.

He may already think you are too young for him and at times immature, but don’t confirm his thoughts by talking in circles when you are ready to make that clean break. Be direct, straightforward when you speak to him. Tell your older man friend that you can’t see a future with him and that is the reason why you must end it now. If you choose to get into details, don’t tell him things like, “Well I was thinking about what my mother said…” Even if your parents influenced your decision don’t tell him so. Grown women who make life decisions don’t make them based solely on what people say, they evaluate the situation, they test it, and they see how it works for them. Then they either embrace the challenge or dismiss it.

Now he may be critical of you and say mean things. Expect him to behave like a child because you were his prize trophy. He may even tell you, “I can find another one like you.” If so, he will be another woman’s problem, but be grateful that you are free.

You will most likely feel like you made a mistake especially if he supplied you with cash. He may even use it to keep you under his control. Tell him you don’t need it, even if you do. When making a clean break, leave the cash behind too. Otherwise, you will only make it harder to rid yourself of him and if you should date someone new they won’t like the idea that another man is taking care of you and he won’t like the idea that you are taking his money and buying another man gifts.

Lastly, don’t get his family involved in your break up. Let him tell them whatever he is going to tell him about the break up. If you must share any information with them, do it when you are over him. The last thing you want to do is appear like you are a sniffling little child who is lost without their beloved.

There are older men who will attempt to make you feel small for breaking up with them because their ego is wounded especially if he is one of those who are having a mid-life crisis. In their minds they are thinking, “Who does this stupid, young girl think she is?” You see, some older men pride themselves on being one step ahead in relationships and business and if they feel like they are being undermined, deceived or rejected, they will have temper tantrums just like children. You aren’t a child, so don’t act like one even if he does accuse you of handling matters like one. What else is he going to say? You are breaking up with him and if he carries on in the way that was described, be glad you are so over him!

By Nicholl McGuire

Dating Stubborn Men: Personal Experience

They are hard of hearing. You have to tell them repeatedly what you want and even with all the requests, they either still don’t do what you ask, do what they feel like doing, or only do things partly. They are the biggest excuse makers and defenders of their own faults using statements like, “I didn’t know…no one told me…I would have done...but…there wasn’t enough time…You should have told me…I never said that…I never told you that…You are wrong.” Everyone else is always to blame. When they are approached with an error, they look around and say, “Who me?” Who else would it be? Stubborn men should live alone.

I know there are just as many stubborn women too, but if there is any truth to the old adage, "Opposites attract" then what kind of woman is a stubborn man attracting? One who isn’t like him that’s for sure. I have personally dated just about every one of my opposites in my short life including stubborn, unmovable, unshakeable, may I add, angry men. After awhile if you date long enough, they all start acting and sounding the same. “I’m not like your last boyfriend,” they say. Yeah right.

So here’s a list of things that I noticed about these knuckle-headed men. I understand why they are handsome and still single. They were acting stubborn with the last woman, and now here they are available to me.

Children from a previous relationship

You may tell him what the boundaries are with the ex and he may tell you his, but then you notice some behaviors that are obviously inappropriate whether it is how he talks to his children or what he says or does with the ex regarding the children. Either way, if he can’t get it through his thick skull to stop what he is doing, you will have to resort to some serious measures. Whatever you do, don’t do anything that will cost you your freedom or put you on your back in a hospital somewhere.

Now let’s say his stubborn behavior has nothing to do with the children, but how he reacts to your ex. Maybe you don’t want him to be too friendly or, too distant, whatever the case may be, he needs to act in a way that is also in the best interest of the children. Too friendly with the ex, could cause problems for you in the courtroom one day if your man should happen to tell your ex something he shouldn’t know. Acting too distant will also cause a problem, because he will say that he has every right to know who will be around his children. You will need to find out what kind of relationship you both will have with the children’s father or mother that will bring you both peace. This is not the kind of situation where being stubborn is okay, it may cost you your children, so stress that to this man's hard head!

Yours and his children

You tell him that it would be better if he handled the children in certain ways regarding caring for them and providing for their basic needs, and he starts behaving like a teenage girl who was told someone doesn’t like her hair. “This is my way,” he says. “Let me do it…” Meanwhile, the children are spoiled rotten because he still hasn’t let go of the child who is almost two that he still rocks to sleep. The other child who will soon be three who still receives presents like it’s his birthday every day, while the other children just watch.

You give him some tips on how to get something done faster, easier, or with less headache and heart ache and he doesn’t want your advice until he has spent hours on a project that could have been done in 10 minutes. Can we say, stubborn!

Communication

So you decided to sit down and talk with your man friend about the things that bother you in your relationship. He seems willing to listen to your gripes, complaints and praises. So he tells you what is on his mind about you, but rather than his complaints sounding reasonable they are looking more and more like attacks, because he didn’t like what you told him. After years in a relationship, suddenly he is telling you things that you never knew bothered him. You come away from the conversation almost heartbroken because the certain food you cooked, the way you clean the home, care for the children, shop etc. was all wrong. This conversation was not two adults talking; instead you may have said something that rubbed him the wrong way and now he is on attack mode. I learned to ignore the snide remarks, eye rolls and heavy sighs. The things he really has a problem with you will know about it the instant you do it, just look at his face. As for the other things, he lived with it then and didn’t leave you; he can continue to live with them. Chances are if you go back to doing these “sudden complaints” he has, he won’t say one word and that’s how you know he was full of you know what!

Time

Stubborn men think they have all the time in the world. They go about their days taking their time doing everything without regard to deadlines. It’s rare that a stubborn man will show up on time for the things that matter to you. You will try to tell him how important certain things are to you and he will just act as if he is listening while doing what he wants to do which leads me to the next point.

Doesn’t follow instructions

When you provide him with a list, you can almost bet that he will not buy what is on the list. When you ask him to do something around the house, tell him about a certain store, ask him to help you with something, or offer to go to the store with him to shop, he will find excuses so that he is in control at all times. He wants to spend the money his way, he wants to buy what he thinks you want, and he wants to go without having to listen to you and the children and so on. Notice it is always his wants first and maybe he might think about everyone else.

Stubborn men are also selfish men, they appear as if they are men of service, but the reality is they don’t like doing much of anything. But just so that they don’t have to hear your mouth, they will do just enough to appear as if they are so “nice, so kind.” But if you have been around them long enough, they are just stubborn.

They are right, you are wrong

You have made plenty of good points, suggestions, and ideas. You are often right and the stubborn man knows this, so he will look for an opportunity to say, “You are wrong.” You might not have been wrong, but he is getting tired of you being right. You were right about the children, the relationship, the money, and other issues and so he doesn’t want to accept any more responsibility for his own action or inaction that has caused problems for you and him in the relationship, so his quick rebuttal to everything is, “You are wrong.” The truth of the matter is he was wrong for getting involved with someone thinking that he never had to compromise even a little bit of his stubborn ways.

Selfish

Earlier, I mentioned that stubborn men are selfish. Let me further explain. Stubborn men and selfish men are birds of a feather they flock together. Stubborn men stick to their ideas, beliefs, principals, etc. no matter how bizarre, ridiculous, simple, foolish, or harmful. Here is an example of a stubborn man doing something that will cost him his relationship and material possessions. His former wife tells him that he is behaving in ways that is causing her to think that he is cheating on her. He tells her that he isn’t cheating. But he continues not to be available sexually, emotionally, and oftentimes disappears without telling her where he is going, when he will be back, or even offer to take her along for the ride. His idea of a good time when he isn’t out running the street is seated in front of the television barely touching any of the food she has prepared in the refrigerator. He doesn’t show her any affection except on those few occasions they have had sex. She tells him how his behavior is causing her to think about divorce and dating again. Rather than, acknowledging the damage by his actions and inactions that have contributed to her feelings of insecurity, lack of love, and appreciation, he continues to do these things anyway. This is a stubborn man who is also acting very selfish. Even more bizarre, this stubborn man will confide in his friends and tell them she is to blame. Meanwhile, the friends don’t know the truth; therefore, they will side with him and give him the kind of advice that would be shared with a man who wasn’t stubborn and he will try to implement something that he doesn’t understand nor does he know what to do with, because he can’t see his true self. He is the problem. But if he assess the situation from the outside looking in honestly, he will try to make a difference. As for the selfish man, he may act just like the stubborn man, but the problem with him is he isn’t going to even try to look at what he could be doing to cause the demise of the relationship. Either way, both men need to find whatever they need whether counselor, book, teacher, or foe to help them learn from their negative behavior.

By Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

A Kiss and A Promise: What The Other Woman Should Know About The Married Man

Whether he is currently with his wife, plans to divorce her, separated from her, or says he doesn’t love her, whatever his issue he is married and there is nothing you can do about it. Now you may say that you could tell her about the affair, send some photos, write an email, or arrange to meet her, but why? It’s not like she will leave him alone, for some women they enjoy the challenge, the fight, and the drama. She is his wife, she is conditioned by the vows she took to be with him in sickness and in health and until death do they part, what vows have you taken to be with him? What support do you have while being in this relationship? Who will defend you when he, she or they have wronged you? No one likes the “other woman,” no one. She isn’t invited to the family meeting when there is a crisis, included in the family events that matter, called when her man is in trouble, or updated on the latest family happenings. This is only the short list of what the typical “other woman” experiences.

Most women never intended to be “the other woman,” she came into the relationship with an open heart and mind, willing to embrace her man’s shortcomings, and socialize with his family whether they liked her or not. However, someone tells her about his past or she finds out about his wife in a way that hurts like a bad cramp in the pit of her stomach. Her world comes crashing down, “he’s married!” It doesn’t matter that he is separated, it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t slept with her since 88…he’s married, she thinks. So she wonders when will he get a divorce, or will he ever get one. She nags, pleads, begs, manipulates, cries, loves and anything else to get this unavailable man to reassure her that everything will be okay, but he doesn’t. Rather, he defends his actions, assumes she already knew, or makes it seem as if it isn’t any big deal.

She has arrived at a crossroads in her life, one where she will walk right to dismiss this unavailable man or left hoping for the day he will marry her. If she chooses to turn left, she will cry many tears, deal with emotional and in some cases physical abuse and never come to the place of peace she so desires. It’s time for the other woman to realize her worth to become number one! She will have to begin taking small steps until her sentences are no longer “we” but “I.” She will begin each day not with “he,” or “him,” but “I!” She will declare, “I will love me whether I have a man or not!” She will plan her life according to the new “I” she has met. When she speaks with family and friends gradually she will remove the “ he” or “him” in her conversations and state the “I.” Those around her will be relieved! Finally, a conversation without discussing “him” or “he,” they will think.

As she realizes what she must do to be in love with “I,” she will need to take the time to evaluate whether this man is serious about a divorce, making false promises to keep her, or is strongly considering on getting back with his wife.

I wrote this article because I have been the wife who knew and didn’t know, the potential other woman, the woman who didn’t know I was the other woman, and the other woman. Get ready to agree to disagree, be offended, or set free from your situation as you continue to read – it’s all up to you.

I experienced my first wake-up call in my early twenties when I was approached by a man who didn’t care that he was married. I say didn’t care, because later I learned that the man I exchanged numbers with was married and he put his sister up to calling me. His reason, because he couldn’t call me at the time he had promised, “he was busy doing something for his wife.” Imagine the shock I must have felt, I asked her, “Why would she agree to contact me knowing her brother was married?” She attempted to assure me that their relationship was ending. I had enough sense in my “terrible twenties” to politely tell her to tell him not to call me anymore. I say terrible twenties, because far too many unavailable men in midlife crisis were approaching me attempting to make my twenties terrible and a few actually succeeded. I told her that she shouldn’t be doing any “favors” for her brother. To that she said, she loved him and wasn’t bothered by what she was doing since she didn’t like his wife. I had learned young that sisters will go to great lengths for their cheating brothers if there is something in it for them. I guess later on her brother owed her a favor.

There were other married men who I would later encounter in person, over the phone and via the Internet and all of them would say the same things “my wife and I are separated, I am filing for a divorce, we can’t get along, she is such a b*tch,” etc. However, they could only make false promises to keep me interested. Their actions regarding their involvement with their wife didn’t provide me with the security I needed that said they were over the “wife from hell.” So I managed to stay clear away from these men for years. Each one of them still communicated with their wives, went out on dates every now and then and some still slept with them, invited the wives to family functions, and most of all, there was never any final paperwork of their divorce settlement. So that’s when it hit me, these men aren’t interested in nothing more than a midlife crisis fling since most who approached me were between 40 and 55 years old. A couple of these conniving men who claimed they were divorced, I did date, and unfortunately learned the hard way that they still had very real feelings for their wives that they simply couldn’t get over. I say learned the hard way, because you tend to learn more about a man the more you give of yourself and I gave far too much of myself, mind, body, money, and time to find out about these “feelings” they still had for their wives. I guess they realized the grass isn’t greener over on the other side and maybe they came to the realization that they really were in some sort of crisis.

I have read stories of men leaving their menopausal wives for younger women only to discover later, after the fun died down, that they should have never left in the first place. Unfortunately, there are those men who learned too late, after they created midlife babies with “the other woman.” For many of them, there is no going back to their wives. So they lean on their children, hoping their existence will make up for the mistakes they made when they left their wife and ease the guilt within. Others don’t even bother to analyze their actions they just, ignore the wife, take the bitter with the sweet, and either stick it out with their younger sweethearts or find yet another young woman to have fun. Then there are those who do return home to their wives only to end up cheating on her yet again since her acceptance told him “it’s okay, I still love you.”

When I questioned other married men, those who were too young for a midlife crisis, on why they were no longer with their wives, they usually answered with, “I fell out of love with her” or “I was bored with her. We grew apart. She was insecure.” They always seemed to place blame on the wife and the only time they would mention taking any accountability for their part in the broken relationship was if their wives caught them in a lie. They may have lied about money, another woman, unemployment, children, or some other issue, so when they couldn’t get around the truth they had to fess up.

Married men have a bad habit of stringing the new women in their lives along. They “kiss and make promises” as one married man told me. Although living separated from his wife for over 18 years and living with “the other woman,” he explained to me that he had never got a divorce because he knew that one day his wife would die and everything that he invested in the relationship would ultimately be his one day (he was speaking of material wealth of course.) He reasoned his actions by asking me, “Why would he marry the woman he was with that had already waited for him for 18 years, she could wait 18 more? That’s why I gave her a kiss and a promise. ” She doted a promise ring for about ten years with no promise of a wedding date. I felt obligated to sound the alarm on this issue of a “kiss and a promise” for those women who think that the married man will divorce his wife of over 10 years plus and then marry you. The likely hood of this happening is slim. There are too many men looking at the financial stakes involved when one has been married for over ten years. Why marry you with nothing, when he can stay married and have something? The choice is ultimately up to you, stay and be miserable as the “other woman” or be with someone who will love and respect you as “the one and only woman.”

Although it takes time for any relationship to come to an end, if you are with a man who is married, separated, or waiting on his divorce to be finalized, consider the following: if he hasn’t done it when he said he will do it, he won’t be doing it, if he is 40 plus and you are ten years younger or more then, most likely you are a product of his midlife crisis, if you don’t have as much or more than his wife to offer financially then he isn’t in any rush to divorce, and most of all if he has children with his wife and none with you, then he may fear what would happen if he does divorce his wife and losing the children is not an option for men who sincerely love their children. There are many other things to consider when dealing with these married men who have not resolved their past issues, including dealing with his family who isn’t interested in accepting you because you are “the other woman” and they rather settle with what is familiar “the wife.”

So to the young women in their twenties and the old women who should know better, I say, listen to that voice who says “he is too old, he is married, he still loves his wife, he and his wife are very good friends” that is all you need to know to make a wise decision, “Run, look the other way, he isn’t my type.” And mean what you say. As for those in it, as someone once told me, “You have a choice.” What’s yours?

By Nicholl McGuire

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...